


Scars of a Troublesome Mind

by mattyandmells



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alive Matt | Mail Jeevas, Alive Matt | Mail Jeevas & Mello | Mihael Keehl, Alive Mello | Mihael Keehl, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Mello | Mihael Keehl, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mello | Mihael Keehl Has Issues, NSFW, Original Character(s), Trauma, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:41:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 72,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28950597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattyandmells/pseuds/mattyandmells
Summary: Mello and Matt have known each other their entire lives. Burdened by his past, Mello struggles to feel like he is deserving of Matt's unwavering love. His mental turmoil causes him to wander down the path of monsters similar to those in his buried memories, giving up his mind and body.
Relationships: Matt | Mail Jeevas/Mello | Mihael Keehl
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Remorse

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: coercive touching, attempted r*pe, physical violence, & alcohol consumption
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

Matt couldn’t breathe.

Cold air stung his lungs as his heart beat against his chest frantically. He tried to keep a steady pace. He couldn’t have his heart slowing him down now. His sneakers slapped the wet sidewalk as they flew with purpose to an impossible destination. He couldn’t find him. 

It wouldn’t be long before the city was plunged into darkness. His eyes could barely adjust to the fading light, but he could focus on it now. The door to the corner store. He said he would only be a few minutes. Maybe it was an hour. He couldn’t remember. 

Fluorescent light painted reality in a harshness that turned his stomach. Aisle after aisle with nothing. No one. No blond in sight. Before he could register another thought he was back out again. Adrenaline powering his body on. Retracing steps he had never known. Fellow bodies on the streets blurring into the night. 

He said he was going out, but what for? His mind begged for anything to go on. Anything he could recall. 

Mello had been distant lately. Darting blue eyes had told him that he was keeping something bottled up again. Protecting him from the truth. As if the truth would hurt him too much. 

Matt broke his pace and stopped to catch his breath, fingers grabbing bunches of auburn hair as he turned to take in the dark streets and alleyways. His urge to stop and smoke a cigarette was buried deep beneath his panic, but he could use one to try and keep calm. 

The corner store was suddenly blocks away. He was getting to the center of town where the nightlife was taking over. Where Mello seemed to spend a lot of his time lately. Steady bass tones thumped and colored lights pulled him in; the kaleidoscope of neon signs an invitation. 

The sloshing green river sprinkled his face from where he ran along its railing. He quieted the thought that he could be trapped under its current.

Matt flipped open his phone and dialed Mello’s again. And again. Passing full clubs and bustling bars. The droning dial tone triggering an urge to vomit. He would look all night if he had to. 

Call after call. Soon the clubs were few and far between and the other side of the city was quiet. The population was resting their heads. Secure from the streets. Oblivious to his state of emergency. 

He could smell the garbage. Piled up and ready to be picked up. Lining the streets like decorative bushes. Dumpsters reeking from their hidden caves. 

His phone dialed on and on. It was getting louder now. The drilling finally breaking into a headache. No. There was something else. Matt slapped his phone shut and listened. He was just approaching another alley. 

Scuffling, grunting. An animal? It sounded like there was something in a dumpster. A loud rattle echoed. A person? No, at least two people. At least one man talking. Matt couldn’t make out what he was saying. 

He called Mello’s phone again. This time he could hear it better, but he didn’t want to believe it. A vibration. Buzzing against something. Coming from the same alleyway as the voice. Drilling, echoing.

Matt turned the corner, stomped into the alley and saw red. 

* * *

Mello stared into the tiny screen on his phone. 

_Now or never._

The message taunted him, providing the ultimatum that the sender intended. It was going to be quite the walk, and he would have to leave now to make it in time. 

Matt had been so occupied that he didn’t even notice that he’d prettied himself up. It was becoming easier and easier to step away without questioning. He went for many walks and trips to the store. When recounted, these events tended to be relayed to Matt stripped of their key details. He wanted Matt to know what he was up to, but he didn’t know how to tell him without hurting him. After all they had been through together, he didn’t want him to be disappointed. But the two of them had grown so distant lately that Mello couldn’t know for sure how Matt would react. 

_Now or never._

This man knew the power he had in this situation. He could feel his coldness through those words. He wasn’t going to be one of the men who just liked his company. He knew Mello needed money and this man would want it to be well spent. Even so, he couldn’t imagine having to do more than just kissing him.

He stood up. Black jeans clung to him, drawing attention to his lithe figure. His most expensive red blouse with a dipping v-neck paired nicely. 

Thick blond hair brushed his shoulders as he pocketed his phone and padded out of the bedroom. 

“I’ll be back soon.” He opened the door to make his escape, feet slipping into black boots. 

“Where to?” Matt asked distantly, his back to Mello as he played his videogame. 

“Just the store, I’ll only be an hour or so.” He shut the door and took off down the three flights of stairs to the ground floor of their apartment building. He almost wanted Matt to stop him, but he knew he wouldn’t. He had him fooled and it made him sick. While leaving their place got easier overtime, lying to Matt never did. He smiled weakly as he stomped down the stairs, thinking of a time when he would kiss Matt’s lips on his way out the door for work or errands. Or when there wasn’t a thought about it when one of them would go out; the other would come no matter what. He hadn’t tasted Matt’s kisses in months. Reunion had finally come and their energy for one another had faded soon after. Mello blamed it on himself, because it was true that he was driving a wedge between them on purpose. He had to protect him from the truth of what he was doing for financial support.

He had to distance himself for Matt’s sake. He loved Matt. Matt was all he ever knew. No one would ever know him like Matt did. But Mello felt that he had run him ragged. He was too messed up for him now. He was draining him. Matt was the most important person to him, and his body ached when he lied to him, but he had gotten himself into a big mess. A mess that was providing for them. 

He caught a glimpse of his warped reflection in a window as he walked out into the early night. His phone buzzed again. 

_Waiting. In the back._

He quickened his pace and sighed. 

Most of the men he had spent time with just wanted to buy him things. They just wanted to spend their money on him and give him more to take home. Pay him for his time. But as time had gone on, some of them had started to expect more from him, as if he were supposed to be in some kind of relationship. As if he owed them more for all they had done for him. 

He couldn’t keep this man waiting much longer. All he knew of him was that he was a businessman visiting from out of town, and most importantly, that he was a good friend of his boss, Roger. He felt pressured to meet him and make a good impression not only to expand his venture, but to please Roger. He wondered what Roger had told this guy. He hoped he didn’t promise him anything that he would be too hesitant to deliver. He found comfort in the fact that Roger didn’t have any special instructions for this appointment, though at the same time, he couldn’t know for sure what was to come.

Mello was still getting used to the expectations that shackled him to the desires of these men. Roger had gotten him on his knees before. At the time, Mello really did think that he owed him that. He’d given Mello this speech about everything he’d given him, and he couldn’t even get the one thing he needed. Roger liked to use force to get him to do a lot of things when he didn’t want to. A close friend of his could be granted that same advantage.

House music began to join the nighttime ambiance. He just kept thinking of the hundreds of dollars he was promised and how much it would help him and Matt. They were all alone now with nothing to fall back on. No family to support them. Just each other.

When he reached the door he didn’t give himself a moment to hesitate before plunging into the waves of bodies. The floor was sticky under his boots. He made his way to the back of the club where the private lounges were. The spaces were big enough to be rented for parties, but this guy had spent the money on it for just the two of them. Usually, he preferred to spend time with new clients out in a public space, but he didn’t want to go against this man’s wishes. Especially if that meant angering Roger.

When he pulled back the curtain, he was there on one of the couches. He was tall in stature, his figure filled out in what couldn’t be determined to be muscle or fat. His black hair was short and gelled paired with neatly groomed stubble on his pasty skin. A tailored gray suit jacket lay abandoned. He sat there, legs spread apart, staring at him.

The man was a striking shadow of a person he once knew and feared. Mello found himself unsettled.

“Come in and let me see you.” He didn’t move a muscle as he watched Mello come closer. “Gorgeous.”

“Thank you...nice to meet you, Jason.” Mello stood in front of him, relieved to have remembered his name. He was ready to know what this guy wanted from him. He could feel his mask coming on. He knew too well how to become a shell of himself. 

“Very nice to meet you…Mihael…you kept me waiting so long…your seat will be right here,” Jason said, never breaking eye contact, large hands patting his own lap. 

“Yes, sir.” Mello knew how much these men liked to hear that. As he straddled him, the hands moved over his bottom, feeling and squeezing. It made his belly hurt.

He was so close to Jason now. It was apparent to him that he was much older. More so, the sheen of sweat and under eye bags made it clear that he had already been drinking a lot. Not to mention the whiskey on his breath. He knew well what that smelled like.

“These are for you, I hope you’ll drink them down nice and good for me.” Jason smirked and took a shot glass full of vodka, or what appeared to be vodka, off the tray next to him. He brought a hand up to Mello’s neck and used his thumb to trace his bottom lip, opening his mouth before tipping the liquor inside, keeping his hand at his neck to feel him swallow. Jason was clearly not going to waste any more of his time. 

It stung his throat, but Mello stayed put where he was. Below him, he could feel a tightness building up that sent a pit into his stomach. Things were moving quicker than Mello was used to. He’d had drinks with clients before, but not in such an intimate way. Jason was feeling him up more than any of the other men had. He wasn’t used to this. He didn’t know his role.

“Good boy…very good boy,” Jason whispered, tipping another glass behind Mello’s lips. Mello obediently took two more shots and began to cough. Jason’s hand patted his bottom as he cleared his throat. Mello could feel his face getting flushed and hot. Little tears pricked his eyes from the sting, making Jason’s face blurry, “I’m sorry…” he said softly. 

“Nothing to be sorry about, you took those beautifully…” Jason hands were roaming his body now, taking another button out of his top to feel his chest, slipping back up to his neck to hold his face. Mello didn’t dare move. 

“A friend of mine told me all about you. He says you love to kiss him. I would hope that given all this time I’ve been waiting for you, you would give me the same luxury.” Jason looked right into his eyes. “Beautiful blues...”

Mello could barely hear the words on Jason’s tongue. He was too compliant even to break their eye contact let alone deny his request. Jason’s hands were in his hair now, gently tugging and smoothing before holding his head back, exposing his neck. Cold lips kissed his neck hungrily. Mello gasped, his muscles loosening, causing his body to sink lower into Jason’s lap where he was certain now that he could feel something hard and firm. 

“What do you say?” Jason spoke right into his ear. 

Mello closed his eyes. All he could see was Matt. His heart ached thinking about what he would say. If he bailed now, he wouldn’t have anything to show for it. No money to bring home to help the man he loved. Matt deserved so much more than him. 

He slipped his hands up to Jason’s grizzly face and planted his lips over his mouth. He couldn’t give himself a moment more to think about it. He didn’t want Jason to sense anything was wrong. 

He kissed him deeply and gave it his all. Breath rushed out of his nose as he smacked and sucked. It wasn’t long before Jason’s movements took control, forcing his tongue into Mello’s mouth, his hands groping him again. Time blurred into a dark, cold, wet mess. Mello fought the urge to gag and just let Jason have his way. The man was an animal.

He tried to block it out, like with Roger, like with the man whose car always smelled like mold, but he was stirred from his dissociation. Jason was grinding up into him, his hands latched to Mello’s hips pushing his body down into him against his own thrusts. Mello braced himself in preparation for Jason to flip him over and push him into the couch, but instead his low voice spoke, “Let me take you...”

“Huh?” Mello replied, his throat so dry he could barely speak. 

Jason stopped moving, his grip on Mello’s hips suddenly much tighter, fingers plunging bruises into the tender skin. He pushed his hips down over his erection. “You must know how big you’ve got me...Let me see...” Jason relieved one hand from Mello’s hip and grabbed him in between his legs. Mello winced. “Ah...you’re a little bit of the way there...” Jason chuckled. Mello was ashamed. 

“Come with me now and I’ll take you in my bedroom...I’ve waited all this time. I’ve taken good care of you tonight, let me continue to do so.”

Mello’s heart raced. He couldn’t go anywhere with Jason. He had to get home to Matt. He must be worried by now. The realization hit him that Jason probably wouldn’t pay him anything unless he agreed to go and let him have him in bed. 

“What are you thinking?” Jason asked, his hand still over Mello, squeezing like a cruel puppeteer. 

“I...” Mello could feel his stomach swooping. A familiar, hot wave rushed over him and stopped in between his legs. His hand flew over Jason’s and held it. His weak attempt at getting him to take it off. 

Jason smirked and groped him harder, “I think someone wants to come out...”

Mello pulled on Jason’s stubborn hand, “Please stop. Please...” Mello knew this feeling. A fear so familiar washed over him. Visions of his past that had been buried deep came to light.

“You like it...can’t you feel how much you like it? Tell me...”

It was getting hard for Mello to breathe. He had to find the strength. He had to stop this. 

“...I asked you to stop.”

“Why should I stop if it’s getting you so excited?” Jason was relentless. He was pushing him. 

Mello took a shaky breath, “Because I need a minute. I just need a minute. Please take it off of me. I’m begging you.”

Jason stopped, Mello was relieved at the loss of pressure on his body, and at the same time, felt sad for Jason. He didn’t get his way. He often had confusing thoughts that he couldn’t explain…

“Disappointing...where will you go?” Jason frowned and looked away from Mello for the first time.

“I’ll just be in the restroom. I’ll be right back.” Mello was finally able to get up on his shaking legs and turn away, but Jason’s hand slapped over his wrist, “Don’t lie to me,” he ordered. 

Mello was shocked, “I promise that’s where I’ll be,” he spoke up. Jason’s hand slipped off of him and he could finally get some space.

Suddenly, his heartbeat was in his ears. The crowd had grown in the short amount of time he’d been there. He weaved his body through tables and dancers to find the restroom. His throat was sore and his lips were cold. The body he was moving felt used, like a husk that needed to come off before he could be in control of himself again. It was a feeling that he could never grow numb to.

The bright lights behind the restroom door brought his attention to a headache that had been building up. He carefully turned his head as he checked to see if anyone else was in the room. He was surprised to find it so quiet. 

He stood at the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. His persona was shedding away. Smudged eyeliner, tussled hair, opened shirt. He wouldn’t let his welling tears release. Every time he closed his eyes, falling leaves danced in his head. He had to get home to Matt. He’d put him through so much already being out so long.

It had only just occurred to him that he had the free will to flee. He would get nothing for what he had already gone through, but Matt was more important to him. Mello needed Matt to know that he was okay. The sooner he left the better, but a part of him that he had tried to repress and ignore knew better than to make a man like Jason mad. Especially not a man like Roger. While he told himself that he had his own best interest in mind, he had grown used to obeying others like them, and there was a security in knowing that as long as he listened, it was hard to go wrong. 

Still, Matt’s brown eyes were all he could see. Freckles poking out underneath them as they smiled. He wanted to choose him and make his escape; he just couldn’t find the courage. 

The eyes vanished into darkness as the door swung open behind him, briefly letting in the booming music and storm of voices. 

Mello’s eyes stayed glued to the mirror as he watched Jason walk up behind him. His true stature could now be measured; he really was a large man. 

Hands grasped his hips once again as Jason pressed himself against Mello, pushing him down over the counter. Mello’s throat felt like it was closing up.

“You don’t want me to do this here…Or do you?” Jason pinned him down, making his strength clear, “I’ve done well to control myself up until now, but you make it quite difficult…Especially when you don’t resist…What do you have to say?”

Fingers dug into the sides of his jeans as Jason pulled him flush to his erection. 

“I won’t hurt you...just come with me. No need to be scared.” Jason slipped one hand in between Mello’s legs and the other over his chest, standing him back up. Long fingers slowly climbed up to grab his chin, forcing him to look in the mirror. “I’ll be so quick you won’t even have to put your pretty mouth on me.” Mello didn’t recognize himself. Jason reeked of alcohol. His eyes scanning all over his body, like he was already fucking him in his head.

Mello had to try. He didn’t want to believe that he was so far gone that he couldn’t even try.

“...Okay,” he spoke. 

“You’ll come?” Jason looked into his eyes through the mirror. They were like little black holes. There couldn’t be a soul behind them.

“Yes...just please give me some time. I just need one more minute.” Mello couldn’t look away from him. 

Anger flashed over Jason’s empty eyes, “There will be consequences if you’re lying to me.”

“I’m not.”

“Very well.” Jason released him, his hands hesitating before he silently exited the room. The rest of the club ignorant to what he’d just done. 

Mello waited a few beats before taking a deep breath. The quiet room was buzzing. He was shocked to realize that his phone had been vibrating. He knew it must be Matt. He couldn’t answer now. He would have no time to explain. He didn’t have much time at all. He kept thinking about what Matt would do in this situation. Matt would never put himself in this situation. 

A spot on the floor provided him with a constant to focus on as he allowed enough time for Jason to make his way back to the couch. He prayed that he wouldn’t be waiting right outside. Either way, now it was time to run. He could picture the exit doors down the short hall from the restrooms. He could imagine what the wet night air would smell like, his boots stomping through puddles as he ran home to Matt. 

His feet flew under him, shaky legs pumping as he dashed out the door and turned down the hall, pushing his body into the bar of the door, the steady vibration in his pocket acting as a compass to freedom. 

“ _Stop!_ ” Jason’s voice commanded. Mello’s exhilaration was very short lived. His mind spun as he realized that his body had actually stopped moving. He had listened to Jason. The alley that was his passage to home was now a dark tunnel, the perfect place to conceal whatever was coming. Another call buzzed in his pocket. Once again, Mello didn’t dare move. He was victim not only to Jason but to his own learned behavior. 

Jason grabbed him, a hand clamping over his mouth, but Mello wouldn’t scream. He was losing himself. His body fell limp in preparation for what was next. The familiar rush of terror that took over his body caused him to shut down. He felt like a teenager again.

“You brought this on yourself. I told you there would be consequences,” Jason spoke through gritted teeth and pushed Mello over a dumpster. The cold metal against his skin did little to stir him from his state of shock. His arms felt like jelly where Jason held them against his back, restraining him. One hand over his wrists and the other working at a jingling belt buckle. 

Mello could feel his phone vibrating in his front pocket. It was as if Matt was here with him too. A piece of him was close by to comfort him.

Soon, Mello couldn’t hear much of anything anymore. He closed his eyes tight. There were the falling leaves again. They brushed the ground softly. Caressing him in the wind…

Jason’s hand grabbed his jeans. He was going to rip them off, but Mello was safe in his own head. He was far away. He could feel nothing but the tears rolling down his face. Waiting for the moment that was coming. 

“ _HEY!_ ”

Mello’s state of shock shattered. He gasped and tried to look up. He knew that voice too well. He loved that voice.

Jason was still holding him down, but Mello could see someone barreling down the alleyway. Fluffy red hair.

In an instant Jason was on the ground, Matt’s body ramming into him like a ton of bricks from the momentum he’d built up. Matt didn’t waste a second before bringing his fists down over Jason’s face. 

Mello sank to the ground and tried to pull himself back into the moment. He couldn’t let Matt get hurt. 

“ _Fuck you!_ _FUCK YOU!_ ” Matt could barely suck in air. Rage had consumed him. All the energy in his body channeled through his veins and into his arms as he pounded on the scumbag’s face.

But Jason couldn’t be defeated so quickly. He grabbed for Matt’s neck and squeezed, sitting up and slamming him into the ground before getting back on his feet. 

Matt got up and ran back over to him, Jason’s fist smashing into his face, knocking him down once more. But he sprung right back up again. His switchblade clicked open as he slipped it out of his back pocket. He sliced it in the air against Jason’s punches, licking the big oaf’s wrists. Jason tripped backwards over garbage and Matt pounced on him, the tip of his knife sticking into Jason’s neck. 

“ _Never again! Never again! I’ll kill you I swear to fucking god! I’ll kill you!_ ” Matt choked on his words. His anger brought a sob into his throat as soon as he felt Mello’s arms wrap around his waist. 

“C’mon Matty,” Mello pulled him to get up. His legs shook and he stumbled as soon as Matt stood up and held onto him. 

Matt’s arm wrapped around Mello tightly. He turned his head and spat on Jason before walking back out into the street. 

Mello’s legs felt paralyzed. He didn’t know if it was from the drinks or the shock his body had been in. He stumbled, leaning into Matt as they walked into the silent night. Realization hit him and he slipped his hand over Matt’s chest and pressed it into him, feeling for his heart. 

“I’m fine! _It’s fine_.” Matt shrugged his arm off. For once his heart was cooperating and he was concentrating on the numbness that consumed him. He was absolutely disgusted. He couldn’t believe what he had seen. What Mello had gotten himself into.

 _“You are so fucking lucky I found you!”_ Matt screamed, his furious eyes stabbing right at Mello’s face. He looked so scared and exhausted.

Matt felt sick hearing the words come from his mouth and he stopped himself from saying anything more. Even in his state of anger, he couldn’t say something he would regret.

Mello was ashamed. Once again, Matt was breaking in front of him. Breaking apart to hold Mello together.

They walked far from the alley. Far from the garbage. Far from Jason. The closer to home they got the guiltier Mello felt. He was dragging Matt through his shit yet again.

“Matt...”

He looked at the man he loved. His face was bruised, his lip still curled in disgust. No answer. 

“Matt I’m sorry.”

Matt kept walking, quickening his pace, eyes trained on the path ahead. 

Mello tried to keep up with him. He couldn’t hold onto him anymore and he let Matt trudge on ahead. Mello walked quickly behind him but soon met some uneven pavement and lost his already compromised balance. His body slapped onto the cement, triggering more tears.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry...” Mello was disoriented. His palms and chin felt ripped after the impact. He could feel the cold air rushing over his wounds. 

Matt stopped immediately, spinning back around to help him up. Mello’s hand shook as he held onto him. Matt was pulled from his state of outrage. It had just occurred to him that he had never checked Mello out. He held his face, wiping his tears with his fingers, looking all over him for signs of abuse. Delayed relief flooded into his chest; he had been there just in time.

Careful hands opened his shirt and traced over purple fingerprints on his hips. The man had marked him. Matt could feel his teeth gritting. He shook his head and buttoned Mello’s shirt back up. 

Matt didn’t want to believe it. It was like high school all over again.

Matt sighed and took off his jacket and helped Mello into it, quickly rubbing his hands over Mello’s arms to warm him up, pulling him into a hug. He squeezed him tight. He thought he’d lost him. He was so close to losing him. Mello sighed in relief into Matt’s neck. 

“‘M sorry...” he heard Mello squeak. Matt shook his head again. 

Slipping out of the hug, Matt put his back to Mello and held out his arms, letting Mello lean onto him, elbows locking under Mello’s knees.

Mello held Matt’s shoulders, feeling his muscles strain as he took them the rest of the way back. Tears stopped flowing from his eyes for the first time since he’d been thrown over that dumpster. Matt smelled like home. 

* * *

Matt rubbed a towel over his head, drying his wet hair. He looked over at his bed and saw Mello’s back rise and fall. Finally at peace. Matt had cleaned him and dressed him in his own boxers and black t-shirt. He knew Mello liked to wear his clothes. It made him feel safe. 

Matt had taken the time to brush through his pretty blond hair. Mello had been half asleep as Matt took care of him, and it didn’t take long for him to completely nod off once he’d helped him into bed. He always slept on his stomach. 

Matt padded over to the bed and climbed onto his side next to Mello. He was resting for the first time that night and Matt could finally breathe too. He used his fingers to comb Mello’s hair off of his face, his eyes focusing on his rising and falling back once again. He could feel a weak smile pulling at his lips. It was so good to see him home. 

Timid fingers slipped under the hem of Mello’s t-shirt and pulled it up, revealing the soft, creamy skin of his back. Gently, Matt grazed over Mello’s spine, fingertips brushing over empty markings up to his neck that had once been tender, painful bruises and gashes. Now they served as a reminder. A memory of one of the hardest moments of their life together many years before. 

Mello’s head turned toward Matt. This time, he brushed his own hair off his face. His tired eyes simply looked up at him, saying more than words could. There were never words for what Mello wanted to say to Matt in these moments. At least, he could never find them. Matt’s brushing fingertips became a warm, gliding hand that slid up and down his back. A gesture that was once the only way to get Mello to relax into sleep. It was having the same effect now that it had been so long since they had reached this level of intimacy, but Mello fought it. He pushed his chest up from the mattress and wrapped his arms around Matt’s waist, burying his head into Matt’s hip. Matt continued rubbing his back. It was quivering now. He knew Mello was crying again. Somewhere in Matt’s chest he could feel an ache that triggered a tug at the back of his throat, but he ignored it. Soothing fingers slipped through Mello’s hair. It would be completely dry soon.

Matt’s own fatigued eyes strained to close, but a muffled noise that caused vibrations against his hip stirred him. 

“...Sorry...I’m sorry I’m sorry...” Mello’s head was full of worries. Too many to be resolved. All he knew was that he was sorry. That was what he knew to say. Little did he know, deep down, Matt didn’t think he had anything to be sorry for. He knew now what was happening. He hated himself for not being there for Mello. For not preventing this.

Scooting under the covers, Matt gently pulled Mello onto his chest, arms wrapping securely around him. He assumed a position that they had slept in countless times before, but it had been so long that Matt had forgotten how natural it felt.

Mello was overcome with a calmness that made it easier to breathe. He could hear Matt’s heart. He loved his heart so much. He had missed it. Matt’s hand kept stroking his back, lulling him into sleep. His mind raced with troublesome thoughts, but they faded and faded away until all he could hear was the steady thump behind Matt’s chest.


	2. Hunger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: explicit sexual content, smoking, & suicidal thoughts
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

The sheets that once cooled his warm, showered skin now clung to him, sticking to the sweat on his lower back, stirring him in and out of sleep. The busy streets floors below filled his ears with traffic. Mello tried to keep his eyes shut, but he was painfully awake. His mind raced through images from the night before. Or was it two nights ago now? He could remember sleeping on Matt’s chest more than once. It had to have been a few days, but he could see Jason just as clearly as he had the night when he did nothing but listen to his every word. He felt sick thinking about how easily Jason could have gotten all that he wanted. How he almost let that happen to himself again.

He finally gave in and opened his eyes. The blinds were shut but Mello could tell that the city was restless under the bright sunshine outside. A stale grilled cheese sandwich and warm glass of water sat on his bedside table. Rather than feeling revived, he felt like he had wasted time. 

A lazy hand searched for Matt on the other side of the bed, but the space was empty. 

Mello sat up and sighed. His head spun. He was still wearing Matt’s black shirt and boxers, but he wanted Matt’s body wrapped around him instead. He immediately felt guilty that the thought had crossed his mind. Matt had just gone through so much for him and all he wanted was to take more from him. At times like this, Mello tended to conclude that Matt was better off without him. 

He’d spent countless hours in bed, buried under the covers, letting time go by. When he was safe in bed, he didn’t have to kiss strangers and be humiliated. He didn’t have to feel discomfort or pain that he wasn’t the source of. He had control of the situation. He could limit and deprive himself.

Mello’s stomach ached for food, but now that he was upright, he could feel bile crawling up his throat and took off to the toilet in the hallway to vomit. As his lungs heaved over the bowl, he could feel that the pressure that had once tugged at his bruised hips had lightened. Jason’s rough hands had made his body so sore. Mello knew it could have been much worse, but the damage that was done was enough to confine him in bed. Embarrassment and shame holding him prisoner. 

His legs still felt so weak, but a wave of relief washed over him now that his body had finally rejected what little was in his stomach. The whole encounter had made him sick and he was desperately in need of something to eat. He couldn’t starve any longer.

Matt appeared at the door, his gaming headset around his neck. He immediately bent down and collected Mello’s hair in one hand and rubbed over his sweaty back with the other. 

Mello leaned back into his hand as he quickly stood up, “I’m okay! I’m okay.” He didn’t need Matt wasting more energy on him. 

“You’re up now?” Matt felt childish once the words came out of his mouth. He didn’t want Mello to sense his distress and impatience. He cleared his throat to save himself, “Feeling better?”

Mello chugged some mouthwash, spit it into the sink and drank water from the faucet, grabbing his toothbrush. His knees still felt weak, but he just let them be. He wanted to be out of bed already. He couldn’t imagine how long he had kept Matt worrying.

“Mhm,” he hummed to Matt, brushing his teeth. He couldn’t remember if he ever got to wash Jason out of his mouth. 

“...Well when you’re done in here how about you get dressed and I’ll take you to get something to eat?” Matt stood up and slipped his arm around Mello’s waist from behind, resting his head against Mello’s back for a moment. He almost kissed him there before walking away. He wished he had. He didn’t care that he smelled like sweat or that it had been months since his lips touched his body.

Mello rinsed the toothpaste out of his mouth, hiding a smile, “Sure,” he said to Matt from the doorway before taking off his shirt. 

Mello couldn’t have gotten into the shower quicker. He was pleased to have snapped out of his bed ridden state. It was nice to feel okay. He hoped that the feeling would stay with him for a bit longer than usual this time around. Unfortunately, it tended to be inevitable that he would shut down again. 

Matt had a smile on his own face as he picked something comfortable out for Mello to wear, but it faded as he saw some of Mello’s most beautiful clothes. They were much nicer than the t-shirts he could afford at the corner store. It all made sense now that Matt had stumbled upon Mello…

Matt knew that he had to be getting them from men, but what was he doing to earn them?

He brushed his fingers over the smooth fabrics, his eyes falling to the red shirt on the floor Mello had been in when he found him. Such a beautiful shirt was to be worn on Mello’s body with respect and awe. Not tarnished with greedy hands that harmed and abused. The shirt had scuffs and rips that couldn’t be fixed to the point of returning it to its original, untouched state. He cringed thinking about what the encounter had done to Mello that he couldn’t see; what memories it must have stirred up for him.

He reluctantly snatched up the shirt and decided he would throw it away before Mello was done in the bathroom. He didn’t want him to see it. He wanted him to forget it.

Matt sighed and rummaged through his own clean clothes on the floor. He settled on a long-sleeved sweatshirt and jeans much like the ones he was wearing himself. His clothes always fit just a bit too big on Mello. He wanted him to be warm. 

* * *

The day that was once alive and vibrant had fallen into a quiet night by time they were ready to catch a taxi and ride to the small diner Matt wanted to eat at. It was as if the day calmed itself to invite Mello into it tenderly.

It was nice not having to walk for once. Mello felt secure in the dark back of the taxi sitting next to Matt. Out the window the damp night sparkled as they drove through the streets. The last time he had been out, he was much too distracted to admire the city at night.

Mello turned his head to look at Matt, who was looking out his own window, his jawline catching the city lights. He remembered when he had a red beard. It had been just enough to scruff up his face. Mello had always thought it was cute. He missed how it scratched him gently when Matt would kiss his lips. And how it would tickle his body as Matt’s head bobbed between his legs, stimulating his sensitive skin, making his back arch...

Mello’s stomach growled loudly. Matt’s head quickly turned to him, his teeth appearing as he gave him a surprised smile. Mello’s heart ached now that he was able to notice how Jason’s punch had bruised his cheekbone. He hoped it wouldn’t leave a scar. Matt already wore one on the bridge of his nose.

Matt chuckled and stretched his arm around Mello. “Don’t worry, we’re right around the corner.” His arm had moved on an instinct, but he didn’t pull it away. Especially not when he could feel Mello’s shoulders relax. He smelled so clean. He didn’t smell like sweat or a stranger anymore. 

It wasn’t long before they were climbing out of the taxi. Matt thanked and paid the driver before putting his arm around Mello’s waist. He decided he wasn’t going to stop himself anymore. He wanted Mello to know he was present and in the moment with him. It was such a different night from the last one that they walked in together. He had to do more than ignore him when he walked out the door and into a world of danger.

The restaurant was quite empty for the time of night. Usually the early evening brought everyone out to the city, but they had lucked out. They were seated in a booth by a large window, and now Matt could see Mello clearly under the glowing light above their table. His baggy eyes, pale lips, and scratched face barely distracted him. Even now he thought he was beautiful. 

Mello didn’t pay much attention to what Matt was ordering from the waitress. He trusted him to get something he’d like. He’d like anything at this point. His body felt so weak. It begged for something to fill his stomach. Little drops began sprinkling the window, shining as they slid down and out of sight, picking up the neon colors of the city. They had just missed the rain. 

“Mello?”

“Hm?” Mello looked at Matt, a tired smile naturally pulling his lips. All his brain could register was that he was looking at Matt’s face. Now that he could smell the fried food in the air, he felt like fainting. 

“I got you a cheeseburger. You didn’t say anything when she asked.” Matt returned his grin. 

“I’m sorry.” Mello looked away. The rain was suddenly heavy now, making little streams that flew down the streets. Rushing into the drains. 

The last thing Matt wanted to hear was Mello apologizing again. The words echoed in his head. He could still hear Mello’s voice straining as he cried. As he broke.

“Hey,” Matt said softly. Mello’s head looked back at him quickly. Too quickly for Matt’s liking. It was disheartening to see Mello in such an obedient state. More concerning was the fact that he looked like he was going to pass out at any second. “Stay with me now. How are you feeling?”

“Just hungry...God…I don’t know why I do this to myself...” Seeing Matt’s face so clearly, Mello couldn’t help but think of how angry he had been. How he had thrown himself at Jason and gotten him home safe. And to repay him, Mello had stayed in bed, keeping him lonely. He was the worst.

Matt frowned. Mello had been in bed for almost three days, but Matt had never pushed him to get up. Matt was a seasoned witness to Mello’s behavior patterns, but that still didn’t stop him from bringing him food that he knew he would never touch. All he could do was keep a close eye on him and wait. It wasn’t the first or last time he’d wait.

“...A lot happened, and you just weren’t feeling good. And that’s okay.” Matt chose his words delicately, “I’m happy you’re up. I’m happy you got your rest and now you’re here.” He wanted to tell him that he missed him too. That his hands stung like hell, the light made his eye throb, and he could barely bend his little finger. But it was pain he would endure if that meant he could look across the table at Mello.

Mello didn’t know how to respond. He almost wanted to apologize again. The love that throbbed in his heart felt like it was going to burst. He didn’t deserve Matt. Matt deserved someone who wasn’t an erratic mess. Someone with a backbone who didn’t let himself be thrown around. 

Their waitress was back already with their burgers. Mello did all he could to contain himself. He could barely wait for her to place it on the table before he grabbed it to sink his teeth in. 

Matt opened Mello’s straw and stuck it in his lemonade. His eyes were glued to Mello as he indulged. His blond hair fresh and shiny from his shower. Long and wavy just to his shoulders. He could already picture how the rain would make it frizz up. It was so nice to see him eat something. To see him awake.

“Thank you, thank you,” Mello mumbled, coming up for air and sucking up some lemonade. 

Color was returning to his face now and Matt just wanted to move next to him so he could kiss his cheek and nibble on him as he ate.

“...You’re so pretty,” Matt couldn’t help himself. He shot Mello a smug grin before picking up his own burger for the first time. 

Mello gave in to a bout of laughter. His body reacted too quickly. He didn’t get a chance to stop himself, but it felt good to giggle at Matt’s words. Men complimented him all the time, but it meant nothing to him. When they said it, they wanted to take advantage of him in return. When Matt said it, butterflies flipped his stomach, and he couldn’t help but smile even though it was still hard for him to believe. When Matt showed his affection, Mello’s neglected, youthful spirit possessed him and he felt happiness. Happiness that was always followed by guilt.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Dead serious,” Matt clarified. “I know there’s a lot of shit going on…but I just wanna kiss you. Like all the time,” he exhaled into an unexpected laugh at the look on Mello’s face. Blushing from ear to ear. Mello snatched a handful of Matt’s fries in retaliation. He was finally able to eat something and Matt was messing with him. He felt like a teenager again.

They ate in silence for a while. Simply enjoying each other’s company and the greasy food. Mello’s eyes kept going back to Matt’s lips. While it had been a long time since they’d kissed, it had been even longer since he’d kissed Matt’s clean-shaven face.

Matt’s coy words replayed in his mind. Being able to kiss Matt all the time was what Mello wanted too. The urge had been so repressed that his first instinct was to feel shame.

Mello finished the last of his lemonade and folded his arms. All the nausea had been satisfied by a full stomach. Matt’s shirt was so cozy he could fall back asleep in it. 

“Well…Your silence isn’t a no,” Matt pointed out, sliding out of his side of the booth and scooting his way into Mello’s. He put his arm around him and moved his head in close, their lips nearly touching. “Did you like it? Are you full now?” he whispered, the smile on his face making it hard to speak. It felt good to smile despite the troubles that ate at him inside.

“Yes. You’re an asshole,” Mello whispered back. Matt’s brown eyes were so close to him. They were lit up with Matt’s playful energy. It had been so long since he’d seen him so silly.

“Okay...we should go now before I get hard,” Matt whispered back. Mello pushed his chest, laughter taking over him again. 

Matt slapped some cash on the table and then they were back out in the night. It was still slightly drizzling but the fresh air brought with it a comforting breeze. Matt’s arm found its way around Mello’s waist again. Mello felt so safe. He could still see Jason and Roger in his head, but the visions were drowning and silencing. Being in the moment with Matt made it easier not to think about the fact that the body he walked in felt foreign and used. And that if Jason were here with him instead, he could only imagine the things he would let him do now that he didn’t get what he wanted the first time. 

They walked through the darkness together, their pace relaxed, unlike several passerby who made haste to get out from under the drizzling sky. They walked until they reached the end of the street where the city was broken up by the frothy green river that splashed against its barriers, making it hard to determine if it was still only the rain wetting their faces.

Matt stopped at the railing overlooking the water and leaned on it, the wind rippling his shirt as he fumbled in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes and lighter. Mello leaned on the railing too, his shoulder right up against Matt’s. Not only because he still wanted to be close to him, but because the air was a bit chilly now that they were by the water. Matt was sure to turn his head away as he exhaled each drag, but the wind made it difficult. While Mello had tried smoking in the past, Matt knew he didn’t care for it. Mello only liked the stale taste in his mouth when it came from Matt’s tongue. There was something soothing to him about the smell. It reminded him that Matt was nearby.

The water sloshed and moved with natural intention, blanketing whatever lurked below. Mello wondered, just for a brief moment, what it would feel like to give in and let his body fall into it. The cold air would rip past his face. He would keep his eyes shut and pretend it was a dream. The icy water would shock him and stun him from what would come next...but his vision inserted Matt into the scenario jumping in after him, his limbs fighting against the current to find him. To save him.

Mello’s eyes stung with tears that threatened to drop down his cheeks. He didn’t want Matt to save him after he had thrown himself away. After he’d thrown himself to a stranger. After their past should have taught him better. He took a deep breath and wiped his face with his thick sleeves. The hardest part was that any damage he did to himself always hurt Matt more. 

“Sorry Mello, I’ll put it out,” Matt broke the silence. He didn’t like the way Mello looked at the river. 

“No, you’re fine,” Mello fought against the knot in his throat threatening to expose his teary-eyed state. The water was ominous to him now, like it sealed a reasonably possible fate. 

“Hey, Matt?” Mello looked for his eyes. The city cast shadows over their faces, but he could see them returning his gaze, brown like dark honey as they looked into him with patience, “Will you hold me again tonight?” He let the words fall off his tongue without holding back. It felt like a weight off his chest. 

Mello’s face said so much and yet nothing at all. There were too many things Matt wanted to ask him. To tell him. Something was upsetting him. It had to be the same thing that weighed on Matt’s heart too.

Matt dropped his cigarette on the ground. “Yeah...And I can hold you right now, too.” He stood behind him and wrapped his arms around him. His body swayed gently as he rested his head on Mello’s shoulder.

Mello closed his eyes. With Matt around him, it was harder to believe that the haunting images in his head could be a reality. But the reality he did face was too confusing for him to navigate. He was in a mess. A mess that he had to claw his way out of or remain compliant as it ran its course.

A buzzing sound suddenly broke through his brimming mind and pulled him back in as quickly as he had separated himself. Mello slipped his phone out of his pocket, Matt’s arms falling away so he could move. Mello could feel his mouth going dry when he saw who it was. 

“This will be just a minute,” he muttered to Matt, walking over to a streetlight. If he missed this call, he could only imagine the consequence. His employer. The man who had helped him build his contact list. Jason’s friend, Roger. 

He flipped open his phone and held it to his ear. As much as he didn’t want to hear what he had to say, he couldn’t risk ignoring the call. 

_“Are you fucking stupid?”_

Mello’s nausea had come right back, washing over his body so quickly he couldn’t speak. 

_“You must be because you’ve got yourself walking on thin ice, boy. Jason told me what you did. I’ve got a cab coming to pick you up in the morning. You better get in it and have a good explanation for the shit you pulled, or you’ll be in even more trouble. Am I clear?”_

“Yes.” Mello could barely think. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

_“Excuse me?”_

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry.” Mello almost wished Roger were there, his body stomping toward him down the street. Then he could get whatever was coming over with. 

_“You better have a lot more to say than that. You get in that cab or you’re done.”_ The line clicked and went dead. 

Mello closed his phone and stared at the river again. What had Jason told him? What was Roger going to do? Maybe if he told him his side of things, he might see it differently. Maybe Roger only cared about his friend being satisfied. 

While his mind raced, he felt warm arms wrap around him again and it suddenly became a lot easier to breathe. 

“Sorry,” Mello whispered.

“So...” Matt knew what must be going on, but he needed to hear it to be convinced, “You’ve been seeing men?” As much as he didn’t want to upset Mello, he couldn’t hold in his question any longer.

They had spent their whole lives together. Even when they weren’t together, they were never truly apart. This was the only corner of Mello’s life that Matt wasn’t an expert in, and it created anxiety for both of them.

“Yeah.” It felt like the knot in Mello’s stomach had been let out a bit, “Matt… They give me so much. It’s how I’ve been getting money for us…”

Matt sighed. The silence that came after Mello’s answer seemed to last several moments too long, but Matt never stopped holding him. His own way of earning money had gotten out of hand as well, but he could only imagine what Mello was going through. What he was doing with these other people. 

Mello slipped his arms over Matt’s, squeezing his hands, “Who knows what we’ll have to do about your heart. I want to be able to give that to you.”

“I’m fine...I swear I’m fine.” Matt was grateful that he didn’t have to look in Mello’s eyes. He knew he wouldn’t have been able to get those words out if he could see his face. 

“You’re not.”

Matt gave an evasive chuckle that blended into the rushing water, “...Mello, you know I would never tell you what to do. All I can ask is that you please be careful. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I find you like that again...If you’re ever in a tough situation please just call me. I will come no matter what. Will you promise me?”

The last thing Mello wanted to do was burden Matt any more with his own problems, but he knew the answer Matt wanted to hear, “Yeah.”

Matt squeezed him, his heart racing now that he had the chance to speak about this, “No matter what. I promise you. And...you can talk to me about the other night if you need to. It won’t change anything.”

“He wants me to go see him tomorrow morning.” Mello admitted, not wanting to hold all of it in any longer. 

“The man at the dumpster?” Matt struggled to sound calm. Immediately, he regretted the tone of his voice, as he could feel Mello tensing against his chest. 

“No no no this guy...This guy is Roger.” All Mello could see was Roger’s face now. Blood boiling up to the top of his bald head. “He’s different. That wasn’t him that you saw.”

“What does he want?” Matt hated the thought of a stranger getting to tell Mello what to do or where he had to be. He hated that he didn’t know what could be happening to him.

“Just to talk to me and set up some more meetings.” Mello couldn’t know for sure what Roger was going to do. He felt helpless but he believed that Matt getting more involved would just make things even messier. 

“What do you do with them?” Matt couldn’t stop himself. 

Matt’s warmth around him suddenly felt like a trap to Mello, but it was a welcome one. He couldn’t avoid what was coming, but he could still choose what to share with him carefully.

“…They touch me and kiss me. Sometimes a little rough but then they pay me for it. The man the other night...he wanted sex but I tried to leave...that’s what he was trying when you found me…I can’t believe you found me…Thank you.” He wanted to tell him how sorry he was for worrying him. He was sorry that something could have happened to him and it would have devastated Matt.

Thunder cracked above them as the rain threatened to dump down from the sky once again. Matt flipped the hood on Mello’s sweatshirt over his head and pulled him away from the river, his body tucked under his arm. He didn’t want him to get sick from the rain.

Matt was so used to taking care of Mello that when these dwindling opportunities arose, he couldn’t help but fall back into that role. Even if he didn’t know what to say to him, he always seemed to know what to do. 

Matt couldn’t let go of Mello. In his heart he could feel him slipping away, but at least for now he could hold him. The fact that this could be temporary killed him.

He kept him warm even as he flagged down a taxi and climbed the stairs. Even as they crawled into bed.

Matt pulled Mello onto his chest and stroked his back, stress keeping him awake. 

They had ditched their wet clothes and kept on nothing but their underwear. Mello loved the feeling of Matt’s bare chest, but he could sense his worry.

Mello lifted his head and scooted up so his face was right over Matt’s. He knew Matt was thinking about it, but he couldn’t tell him anything more. He couldn’t bring himself to make Matt’s heart any heavier. 

He looked into his brown eyes and gave him a weak smile. Matt was so beautiful. He couldn’t stop himself from getting closer to his face, lowering his lips just under his eyes. Mello lightly kissed the bruise on Matt’s cheekbone, Matt’s hands sliding over his hips, gently rubbing over them before holding him there softly. As he should always be held. 

Mello couldn’t put his head back down. He didn’t want to yet. His mouth was so close to Matt’s. To the only person that never abandoned him. The boy he loved.

“I love you,” Matt whispered before bringing his lips even closer. Mello’s heart throbbed as it pounded in his chest. Hearing those words never failed to devastate him.

All the space between was gone. It was painful to hold back much longer. Mello gave in and met Matt’s lips. The feelings he’d been pushing deep down and rejecting bubbled to the surface. Their small kiss turned into a hungry release, Matt’s body sitting up underneath him, his hands holding his face. Mello always felt so special no matter how many times Matt’s hands held him so kindly. 

They kissed each other deeply, their bodies finally able to obey their hunger and desire. They had missed each other so much. 

Their kisses had broken the silence. Matt planted them all over Mello’s face, making them both giggle in the darkness, Matt’s lips trailing down Mello’s neck. 

“I promise I’ll be careful,” Mello spoke softly, his stomach fluttering. It was hard to think about the mess he had plunged them into when he was so close to Matt like this. In his mind he could see Matt’s head between his legs again…

“I’ll keep saving all of their money and one day I’ll never listen to them again...just you.” Mello found Matt’s lips again, their wet kisses smacking. Mello’s back met the bed and Matt never stopped kissing him. Matt was greedy, his warm tongue lapping over Mello’s nipples. Mello’s little moans became louder as he arched his back. Matt wanted him so badly, but he would force himself to calm down if he had to. He could always go to the bathroom to take care of himself.

Matt was always so good at these things. Possibilities flashed through Mello’s mind and he decided to continue releasing his repressed urges.

Their closeness sparked the need for friction. Mello’s legs locked around Matt’s hips, their underwear lame barriers between their desperate flesh. Matt surrendered, his hips grinding down against him. They’d fallen into a nearly forgotten rhythm.

Mello loved being under Matt. When he was under him, he knew he could trust him to take good care of him. He pulled at the hem of Matt’s boxers and not long after he could see Matt. Swollen and twitching for him. He could feel himself clench at the sight.

“Are you sure, baby?” Matt’s voice was an eager whisper. He couldn’t believe how quickly things had escalated, but he was dying to fill Mello up. 

“I want you inside.” Mello felt alive with Matt so close. “Please.”

It was a relief to feel so safe. To be this hard and not have to be afraid. Matt was the only one to show him these feelings. He couldn’t stop kissing him. 

Matt broke away and looked down at Mello. His blue eyes pierced through the darkness, his hair laying around his head like a wavy, bright halo. A smile broke over Matt’s lips, “Okay.” He quickly leaned over and fished in the drawer next to the bed.

“ _Matty_...” Mello whined at the loss of Matt’s warmth against him, but he returned not long after, his eager hands slipping down Mello’s underwear. 

“Gotta get you ready,” Matt assured him, Mello’s arms pulling his head down to his again to keep sucking at his lips. Part of him wanted Matt to just force himself in, but it had been so long he didn’t object as Matt’s fingers slowly teased over his quivering skin.

Matt felt Mello gasp against his mouth as his slicked fingers began working him open. 

“That’s so good, Matty.” Mello’s legs strained as they stayed open for him. His fingers searching in between Matt’s legs, grabbing and stroking. 

They kept working at each other. Matt found it hard to keep his coordination. Mello’s hand was quickly pulling him right to the edge. 

“You’re so big...hurry...” Mello couldn’t wait much longer. He was so stiff himself, his body begging for things to speed up. It had been too long. Their endurance had waned.

The feeling of Matt inside of him caused Mello’s eyes to water. He moaned right into Matt’s ear, his breathing becoming shaky, legs holding onto his hips as Matt began to thrust. He wanted it so badly, but he could feel himself slipping into uneasiness.

Matt could see Mello’s eyes closed tight; his body locked around him becoming stiff, his breathing becoming jagged. 

“Hey,” Matt put his hands on either side of Mello’s face. He could feel the sweat just under his hair. He could tell that Mello was panicking. “Is it too fast? You need me to take it out? We can stop just tell me,” Matt kissed his head. 

“No no it’s so good Matt...I’m sorry.” Mello felt all over Matt’s torso, running his hands through his fluffy hair, feeling up his arms. His body wanted to shut off and block everything out. It wanted to protect him from the pain. But with Matt, he had to remember that there wasn’t any.

Matt realized what he needed to do. He kept thrusting his hips and never stopped talking, “It’s me baby. I’m inside you, can you feel me?”

“Yeah...Yeah…You’re so big,” Mello whined as Matt sped up his movements, not before placing Mello’s hand over his heart. Focusing on Matt’s words made it easier to stay in the moment. Tension gathered in his groin as Matt pumped, his movements steady and fervent.

“I’m right here baby, I won’t hurt you, I’m right here,” Matt tugged at Mello in between his legs, “Mello you’re so warm inside.”

 _“Matt!”_ Mello couldn’t hold on anymore. Matt’s heart beat strong and fast above his hand, his skin smooth and warm. It was undeniably Matt making him feel this way. He felt so full, but it didn’t hurt. Matt always made sure he never hurt him. 

Soon he could feel a release coming. Mello slipped his arms up around Matt’s neck and held him tight. He could feel Matt’s muscles working as his body never stopped bringing him up to his breaking point. 

For a few moments, there was nothing else in the world but the two of them. Mello’s mind physically couldn’t fit another thought other than Matt pumping him up to relieve the tightness that strained between his legs.

Suddenly, with a shaking gasp Matt was letting go too, filling him even more. He loved the feeling. 

Matt sank down even closer to him, his muscles weak and spent, his chest heaving as he panted. He kissed Mello’s neck as they breathed. It had been much too long since they were this vulnerable together. Mello felt protected under the weight of Matt’s body. He was all over every inch of him.

Mello closed his eyes, his nose buried in Matt’s hair. He smelled like the river. The damp, sandy air had followed them home, the scent laced with Matt’s cigarettes. He had jumped in and pulled him out after all. 


	3. Compliance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: coercive touching, heart arrhythmia episode, drug dealing, smoking, homophobia, & explicit sexual content
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

Matt stood waiting, smoking a cigarette. The alley he found Mello in several days prior stared at him from across the street, haunting him with images of what he could have seen had he arrived only a few moments later.

He could see that man’s face and his lip curled in disgust. What had he done to Mello that night? He couldn’t even walk on his own. He couldn’t get out of bed. He couldn’t imagine how broken Mello would be after another encounter with him.

He wished Mello would just let him come on these dates or meetings or whatever they were. He wished Mello would just realize that he was going to be there for him no matter what. No matter what he was hiding or doing with these other people for money. Matt wanted to believe that he would stand by Mello forever. He didn’t want to be one to judge him. In his own way, Matt was also taking risks for a big payout. He just couldn’t stop himself from feeling helpless and angry when he thought about what Mello could be doing. It made him sick that he couldn’t be okay with it.

It was the early morning just before the sunrise. Matt had slipped out of bed and texted Mello that he would be right back in a few hours, but he knew there was a chance Mello would be gone when he got home. He would be on his way to meet the man who had called him last night. He hated the stress and pain that these men caused Mello. He wished he could take it all away. Matt wanted to know more, but at least they were making progress. The last thing he thought he would be doing yesterday was having sex with him, but it was a very welcome surprise to the end of the night. Matt felt special to be the one Mello felt safe enough to fall apart underneath. 

Matt could see someone approaching down the sidewalk. A young man that he recognized as one of his customers. He slipped his hand into his pocket and found a small plastic bag. A couple grams of weed between his fingers.

Matt walked toward him and they passed by each other. The transaction had been seamless, and he walked on, never looking back. The corner of the street appeared, and he turned at it, pushing the rush he got down where it was unnoticed. Not even a smirk on his face. 

His cigarette was a tiny stub now. He stepped on it as he kept walking toward a green sedan. The car rolled to a stop and the back door popped open. Matt obediently crawled inside, the other seats occupied by other men, his boss DeAngelo in the passenger seat. They pulled on deeper into the city, the sun warming the steamy car. Matt could feel sweat just under his nose. 

“Welcome...Freckles, how’s it goin’?” DeAngelo’s low, raspy voice questioned. 

“All is good,” Matt responded, “Yourself?”

“I have to say I’m a bit confused...None of your customers have tried the new product. They don’t even know we’ve got it.” DeAngelo turned to Matt, his beady eyes locked onto his as if he could find out what he was needing to know just by looking at his face, but his expression changed to a look of surprise, “Jeez man, where’d you get the shiner?” The others in the car looked at Matt’s face as well, low chuckles filling the tiny space.

“It’s nothing,” Matt replied, trying to hide his annoyance at the question. He was still so emotional about that night.

“Alright well if that’s nothing then let’s get talking about what I need from you.” DeAngelo seemed disappointed that he wouldn’t get to find out what Matt had been up to.

“The amphetamines,” Matt supplied, clearing his throat. 

“Yeah. What happened to all of them that we already gave you?” he asked, shifting his tone. DeAngelo was always irritable.

“I’ve got them. All of them. I just haven’t pushed them.” Despite all of the moisture in the small car, Matt’s throat had gone dry. The other men in the car gave disapproving groans. 

DeAngelo sighed and wiped his hand over his face, “Listen, if you’re not pushing the new stuff I’m gonna have less and less to give you. Everybody’s got weed but this could be our chance to come into some real money. People can’t stay away.”

“Do you know that it’s safe?” Matt was nervous but not nervous enough to stop himself from asking. He had been skeptical the moment DeAngelo had lectured him about selling their newly acquired product to his regular weed customers. While they talked it up, Matt never saw DeAngelo or his collection of guys take any of it. 

“Don’t you have that boyfriend to take care of?” DeAngelo’s voice had adopted a tone of seriousness despite the snickering from the others in the car. Matt knew he couldn’t ask any more questions. 

“Yes.” Rumors about Matt’s personal life seemed to be all the men could talk about. They tended to not be ambiguous when it came to their opinions about Matt living with a man. There was a word they liked to use to describe him.

He could picture Mello now, getting out of bed and finding something to wear to his meeting. Even with the low laughter that filled the backseat, all he could think of was that he wanted to kiss him goodbye. 

“Then push the product. You’ll be earning like you wouldn’t believe, Freckles. I can’t give you shit you don’t earn.”

Matt didn’t say anything. He could see that they were far from the area of town that he was most familiar with. 

“You’ve gotta just get it out there, okay?”

“Sure thing,” Matt replied. He felt sick now, his mind wondering how much worse Mello had felt when he was throwing up yesterday. 

“Now it’s really no big deal. We can show you how it’s done and get you some practice, okay? But if it is a big deal, we’re gonna have a problem.” DeAngelo had finally turned, his eyes no longer boring into Matt. Matt felt he was finally able to look elsewhere. 

“Understood.” Matt couldn’t hold back on selling their new drug any longer. It was clear he would lose this opportunity if he disappointed them. Maybe this could be his chance to bring in more cash. Maybe he could convince Mello that he didn’t need to see men. 

Their hot car pulled on. The homeless and empty storefronts lined the streets. He wished all of those months ago that when he had that job at the gas station he ignored his coworkers when they offered him to join in on their business opportunity. These guys didn’t care about him, but he knew too much for them to kick him out of the operation. He wondered if it would be just as difficult for Mello to back out of his own mess of a job. For now, Matt would just have to listen to what they told him to do. He would just have to watch as Mello left and came back, not knowing exactly where he had been or what he had been doing with someone else. He hated not having enough control in any situation, but he wanted think that he had enough patience to go on without completely losing it for the time being.

His cellphone vibrated in his pocket. It was a text from Mello. 

_Leaving now. See you later._

Matt smiled. There wasn’t any joy behind it, but it was there. At least he was letting him know when he was leaving again. For now, that would have to be enough. Even though he could feel his anger rising up through his chest, as if it were the heat source producing the sweat lining his brow.

* * *

The taxi that Mello rode in now felt torturous compared to his ride with Matt the night before, like it was only bringing him closer to danger. He could only imagine what Roger was going to say. Much like this new Jason, he could be a very aggressive person. 

The worst thing about Roger was his yelling. He could get physical too, but the yelling tended to be enough to spook Mello into doing what he wanted. He was like a child again. 

Despite the context of this visit, Mello still showered and put on something nice. He wanted Roger to know he was serious about his business. A lot went into what Roger did for him, and he had screwed up. He wanted to tell Roger he was sorry, even though he wasn’t exactly sure where he had gone wrong in Roger’s eyes.

He didn’t understand why Roger didn’t prepare him for his friend. Did he know that Jason would come on that strong? It was hard for Mello to remember specific details. Maybe he shouldn’t have tried to run from Jason. Maybe it was only the fact that Matt had shown up, though Mello couldn’t imagine that Jason would relay that to Roger. It would surely damage his ego. Mello still didn’t understand how Matt had been there to save him yet again. He could sense that his mind was blocking things out from that night. In terms of feelings, all he could remember for sure was that he’d been afraid for his safety. Maybe he had to work on letting that go. It was something he didn’t have the luxury of worrying about anymore.

He could recognize that the taxi was getting close. They were right in the middle of the city’s club scene. It was always strange seeing the sidewalks so empty when he had to be there in the mornings. 

He thanked the driver even though he would have done anything to stay in the taxi if he wasn’t so worried about what would happen if he missed the meeting. 

He walked up to Roger’s club and stepped through the door. The building was huge. At night, it was like a different world. It was where everything happened. At dawn, the vacant floor and tousled furniture told the story of the night before. Staff were still cleaning up and girls were lingering on the stage, practicing and rehearsing for the fresh night to come. Mello always admired their small, tight outfits, beautiful hair, and glamorous makeup. Sometimes there were boys who danced, but they were full of muscle. They were best at bringing in women. None of them were like Mello. Roger never wanted him on display.

He made shifty eye contact with some of the girls. They knew him as Roger’s boy but never talked to him much at all. Mello didn’t know if it was because they didn’t like him or if they weren’t allowed to. 

Roger’s office was all the way in the back behind a door with thin excuses for walls. He could always hear him yelling at whoever was inside. It was never a good thing to have to go into Roger’s office. He was an intense man with a temper, and Mello knew he was not going to be happy to see him. Mello felt sick with guilt.

He knocked on the door, but it opened almost immediately, Roger’s hand grabbing his wrist and pulling him inside. 

“Now when I took you on as an escort you knew what that meant right?” Roger’s head was red just like in Mello’s vision, his eyes nearly popping out of their sockets. He was heated as he backed Mello into the lame wall, his hand never leaving his arm. Even with what he knew about his anger, it was shocking to see him so intense right away.

“Yes sir,” Mello responded quickly.

“Then what is this bullshit? You just some boy slut who won’t put out?! Jason is one of the biggest clients I’ve ever been able to book for you! You keep this shit up and you’ll have nothing! I’ll drop you! You and your little boyfriend will be living on the street!” Roger’s body was right up against his, the heat of his anger seeming to make steam, “What do you have to say?!” His spit sprinkled his face.

“He...”

Roger shook his arm, impatience consuming him, “What?!”

Mello lost his voice, his mind replaying Roger’s words. If Roger was only concerned with the fact that Jason’s advances made him try to flee, he wouldn’t care what means Jason went to trying to get his way. 

Mello found Roger’s eyes, his own becoming blurry with stinging tears, “I’m sorry.”

“You better be sorry. You’re an embarrassment. _Why would you run away?”_ Roger couldn’t possibly grit his teeth more. 

Mello took a shaky breath, “You…You didn’t tell me he would want that.” Roger moved like he was going to slap him across the face. Mello flinched so hard that it didn’t land. His sudden movement pulled a vision deep from his memory. He was reminded of a time when he was too small dodge a blow.

Roger’s eyes looked him up and down, “You see there’s something I don’t think you’re understanding Mihael.” Roger pulled him to the middle of the room, standing behind him by his cluttered work desk, his hands moving to grab both of his arms as he walked him forward.

“I have made countless sacrifices for you. When I tell you that I got you a meeting with a personal friend of mine...” Roger pushed him down over the desk, his groin up against Mello’s bottom, “This does _not_ make you run. This is what you do! This is what you are there for! Do I have to show you how to take a dick?!”

Mello felt completely powerless. He wanted to be angry, but the humiliation made his muscles limp under Roger’s weight. 

“I will ask again. Do I need to fuck you over this desk?!”

Mello could hear the door open and another voice made his stomach turn. A deep one with a familiar, professional tone. 

“Roger, there’s no need for all of this.” Jason had entered the small room. Roger’s weight suddenly lifted off Mello’s body. The hand that took his arm next was bigger but it held him kinder as it helped him up. Mello’s eyes were wet, his cheeks flushed with shame. Jason shot him a smile, his once clean face now decorated with Matt’s knife cuts and messy punches. Regardless, he was well put together and reeked of fine cologne. 

“There’s really no need for this,” Jason spoke confidently as he repeated himself, “While I was disappointed by how our first meeting unfolded, I can’t stand here and say that I was perfectly decent that night. I believe my actions were not excusable either.” Mello’s eyes widened in surprise.

“If he’s not good enough for you I’ll get you someone else, Jason.” Roger liked to speak of Mello as if he were livestock. It always made him feel so pathetic.

“You don’t understand, Roger. That’s not the issue. He’s perfect. He’s everything I could ask for. I think we just need to try again. Start things over. Wouldn’t you agree Mihael?”

Jason looked at him, a calm smile on his thin lips. 

Mello was not expecting to be part of their conversation. He wasn’t expecting to ever see Jason again. He looked at him in bewilderment. He couldn’t believe the nerve of the man standing next to him. His energy was much more relaxed than the night they had first met, but he still felt like something bad would happen if he disagreed with Jason. Perhaps Jason wouldn’t be the one to deliver the consequence if one was waiting. Flashing a glance at Roger made him make up his mind quickly. “...Yes,” Mello spoke meekly. Despite his hesitation he felt it was clear that Jason was sober now. He was undoubtedly the man he had been with nights before, but there was a more calming air about him, which did give him some hope to hold onto. Hope was all that he could keep for himself.

“Roger are you done here?” The way Jason asked made it clear Roger had no option. He had complete control of the room. 

“Yeah of course, Jason. I was just trying to loosen him up for you.” Roger’s eyes shot over to Mello. Mello felt sick with embarrassment thinking about what Roger had intended to do, but he knew that’s how Roger wanted him to feel. He didn’t want to anger him ever again. 

“I think he’s got the idea. I could hear you yelling as soon as I walked in the front door.”

Mello felt even more exposed. He couldn’t stop himself from wiping his tears. He felt so broken. He wanted Matt. Thinking of his kind, beautiful face ate him up inside and he couldn’t help but let tears slip down to his chin. 

Jason turned to Mello and began fixing his hair, thumbs brushing under his eyes to wipe them. His large hands held his face tenderly. 

“Mihael, I wasn’t myself that night. I was so drunk. I should have just cancelled our meeting. Will you give me a chance to show you who I really am? I can take good care of you.” Jason straightened Mello’s clothes and stepped back, holding out his hand.

Mello looked in Jason’s eyes. He was caught off guard. It was hard to determine but he seemed genuine. If Jason tried anything, he might at the least be a bit gentler. Even though doubts swirled in his head, warning him away from danger, rejecting him wasn’t an option.

Mello took his hand, “Okay.”

Jason beamed at him and Mello’s stomach lurched with a feeling he didn’t understand. What was so special about him that this man was continuing to pursue him? Jason could have easily joined in on Roger’s demeaning display of dominance, but he had stopped it. The look on his face made him feel in the very least at ease. If he could just keep Jason happy, his life wouldn’t be so hard to navigate around him. 

“Take care, Roger,” Jason spoke, his body turning to leave the office. 

Jason’s arm wrapped around Mello’s waist, his fingers gripping his hip. It wasn’t like Matt’s careful hold, it was more purposeful and grounding. Mello didn’t have to think about where he was going, Jason would walk him there. 

The girls whispered and stared as Jason walked past with Mello tight at his side. Mello almost felt like a prize. He was the one Jason had come here for. The one that Jason had rescued from Roger’s cruelty. He wasn’t just another dancer. It was an honor he wore with trepidation.

Jason’s long fingers fit snugly into the markings they had previously pressed into Mello’s skin. It was like they were always meant to return. 

Mello’s head rushed with emotions. He couldn’t believe he was with this man again. He couldn’t believe this man had come to his aid. Jason was huge, rich, and powerful. He could have easily just given up on him, but instead he had humbly asked him for another chance.

They walked down the sidewalk to a sleek limousine that looked starkly out of place for the early morning. Jason stopped and took off the long black overcoat he wore, placing it over Mello’s shoulders, “Just in case you get cold...I like the temperature chilly.” There was something oddly comforting about the weight of Jason’s coat over him.

Jason opened the door and let Mello scoot inside, his large body no more than six inches behind him as they settled into their seats. The limousine pulled away from the curb and in the direction of the edge of the city. Mello knew they must be headed to Jason’s home. 

The silence between them ate at Mello’s insides. He didn’t know if Jason wanted the silence or if he should say something. He didn’t know how he could be sitting in Jason’s car. This was the last thing he could have imagined would be happening. He had prepared his mind to deal with Roger, but not this.

“You know I haven’t stopped thinking about you,” Jason spoke after a while, his hand sliding down Mello’s thigh, “I was so angry with myself for getting so drunk. I was angry when I talked to Roger, too. I almost wanted him to punish you…but I misunderstood you. I don’t think you were ready to be so intimate…In my state I admit my frustration got the best of me…I am honestly very sorry.” Jason’s fingers tightened their grip, Mello could only look at his hand and how it effortlessly covered his knee, “Your redhead boy got me good. He seems to be really protective of you. It’s a shame he obviously doesn’t have the means to take care of you...I’d like to introduce myself properly to him...Make amends.” Jason shot him a smug grin. Mello wasn’t sure what Jason wanted him to say. The last thing he wanted to do was tell Matt he was seeing the same man that had taken advantage of him. That he was betraying him. Mello could only nod his head. 

Jason’s hand glided up Mello’s body and held his jaw, turning his head, “What’s this?” he asked, tapping his thumb on Mello’s chin. 

“I think I fell.” Mello didn’t like the feeling he got when he thought about that night walking with Matt. Especially now that he was in the presence of the man who had been with him then. He couldn’t let himself be consumed by his worries. He just had to try to get through the day. 

“You seem so timid…If that boy took his anger out on you, you can tell me.” Jason kept Mello’s head turned to look at him. 

“He would never do that,” he said quietly, “I fell.” The idea that Matt would ever do anything to physically hurt him was disturbing, but he couldn’t let Jason sense any discomfort in his tone. 

“Hm,” Jason released his hand from Mello’s face and squeezed his thigh, “We’ll be arriving shortly. I hope you don’t mind spending the day with me. I have a meeting right in the middle of our time together.” 

Mello didn’t want to be away from Matt for the entire day. They had fallen back to each other again. Mello could feel happiness when he was around him. Matt took care of him in ways that money never could, though they definitely could use some. Even with his reservations, he knew that he couldn’t screw this up again. This was his chance to make things right. If he failed, he couldn’t imagine what these men would do to him.

“Wow...” Mello gasped, looking out the window.

Jason chuckled, “Beautiful isn’t it? Roger recommended I rent here while I am living in town.”

“Yes.” Mello agreed. 

Jason’s penthouse was a spectacle of luxury from where they were on the road floors and floors below. Mello had expected it to be a sight, but he couldn’t help but be genuinely impressed. From where he lived, the penthouses were just faded elements of the horizon line, but now that he was right under them, he could really see and understand Jason’s wealth. He was somewhat eager to see it from the inside. 

The limousine pulled up by the entrance to the building. 

“Wait here,” Jason said as he exited. He swiftly appeared at Mello’s side and opened the door, holding out his arm. Mello took it and pulled himself up, standing by him outside. The sun was fully shining now. It was warm on his face. A kind welcome into the uncertainty that waited for him ahead.

Jason collected his coat from Mello’s shoulders and draped it over his arm. He grabbed onto Mello with the other, his hand feeling over his bottom before holding his hip.

Jason walked him inside to the massive elevator that took just the two of them all the way up to the top. Mello couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in an elevator. He leaned into Jason as it pulled them up, the force making his head feel cloudy. Jason’s strong arm around him kept him steady on his feet.

A soft ding signaled that they had arrived on the top floor. Jason led them inside and Mello was overwhelmed by just how grand Jason’s home was. Everything was uniform in design in several shades of gray paired with modern accents of navy blue. The sunlight seemed to bring life to the monotonous decor as it beamed in through the large windows. Mello’s eye was caught by a tall white vase on the kitchen table that was full of delicate forget-me-nots perking up in the light. He walked closer to them and brushed his fingers over the soft petals. 

“I think of you whenever I look at them. They match your eyes perfectly.”

Mello’s stomach knotted as Jason’s body was suddenly right behind him. The closeness made him tense.

Jason’s newly gentle hands held onto his waist. Mello turned around and slid his hands over Jason’s big arms, resting them on his shoulders. He felt like he was seeing Jason’s face for the first time. It wasn’t like the version in his memory. It was relaxed. Mello couldn’t help but admit that he was quite attractive for a middle-aged man. Jason’s dark eyes were fixed on him. His smile was kind, but his eyes had a hunger about them. His body was leaning in closer, his rigid nose brushing against his own. Mello knew what he wanted. 

Mello pressed his lips on Jason’s gingerly. He didn’t like how they felt. Even when they weren’t kissing him until his lips felt sore, they were too thin and slimy. They were nothing like Matt’s. 

Jason lifted him so he was sitting on the table, his mouth bumping into Mello’s, his hand holding Mello at his chin, keeping him in place as he deepened his kisses. Mello closed his eyes and tried to focus on what little breathing he could do as Jason smothered him. 

The table creaked as Jason pressed Mello’s back flat against it, his body between Mello’s legs, never breaking away even for a moment. 

Mello knew he was testing him. Testing things out to see how far he could go under this new gentlemanly guise. He felt sick when the realization hit him that he would have to have sex with Jason at some point. There was no way he could appease him and avoid it. It was all part of Jason’s second chance. His belly was sour with nerves but at least he wasn’t afraid. When he could see Jason and what he was doing it wasn’t so bad. He didn’t have to fear what was coming, but he wouldn’t let Jason do it on his kitchen table. 

Jason’s impatience was evident. His hands traveled down to the backs of Mello’s thighs where he squeezed. Mello’s skin tingled under his jeans. He felt disgusting. 

“Hey,” Mello softly spoke up, “Jason.”

Jason’s movements halted and he looked into Mello’s eyes, “What’s wrong?”

“Are you going to..?" Mello whispered. He wanted to ask but he couldn’t say it.

Jason laughed with his mouth closed, a smirk on his face. His hands slid up just behind Mello’s knees and pushed down, Mello’s legs opening wider under him. Mello winced and turned his head away. 

Jason lowered his head, his words tickling Mello’s ear, “You don’t even know how badly I need to fuck you.”

“I…” Mello couldn’t find the words he needed to say. How could he bring himself to reject him?

“I’m ready to go.”

“The...” Mello began, but Jason’s fingers plunged into his jeans, tugging at them, “The table hurts my back,” he said a bit louder, putting his hands over Jason’s. 

“I’ll flip you over,” Jason supplied, his grip tightening on Mello’s hips, forcing his body to turn around. Mello was flipped before he could process it. This wasn’t working. 

The table was cold on Mello’s face. He could see the dark alley. He could smell the garbage. He could hear Jason’s belt jingling. Matt wasn’t going to show up.

“Please no.” He couldn’t tell if his words were audible, but he couldn’t speak any louder. He felt so foolish.

Mello squirmed under him, Jason’s arms pinning him down. This must have all been a trap. But unlike Jason’s first attempt, Mello found himself able to move.

He managed to wiggle one arm free. Without thinking Mello pushed against the table with all his strength, Jason’s body stumbling backward.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Mello was mortified at his own actions. He backed away as Jason grabbed a chair to steady himself, a bulky fist slamming onto the table out of frustration. Flower petals sprinkled down from their elegant vase.

Mello’s hand gripped onto his chest. He could feel his heartbeat all over his body, his breathing slowly returning to a manageable pattern. 

Jason fastened his belt. Mello thought for a second that he might take it off completely and charge at him. But he sighed instead. A disappointed sigh.

Jason finally looked at him, his eyes burning a pleading look into him, as if they were trying to understand. 

Mello had screwed things up a second time. The least he could do was find it in himself to explain. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I...” Mello cleared his throat, “...When you flipped me, it felt like the last time...and I got scared. Jason I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

Mello looked down at Jason’s shoes. He couldn’t look in his eyes anymore. He didn’t know what Jason was thinking. He just wanted him to say something. 

Jason’s feet stepped even closer.

“Mihael, I apologize once again. I didn’t care to consider anything but my own urges.” Jason took Mello’s hands, his thumbs stroking over them, “It was me who pressured you that night. I was there when Roger humiliated you…I shouldn’t have been so forward. Look at me.” Mello’s eyes shot up to obey. Jason was still visibly distressed, but it was clear now that he was ashamed of his actions, “Mihael that will never happen again. I see now that you really aren’t used to this…I admit I can’t seem to control myself around you. That’s something I’m willing to work on if you’ll let me.”

Mello nodded. Once again, he felt pressured into compliance, “Please just do whatever you want. I’ll try harder to be good for you. We can try again if you have to do it here...Please just don’t tell Roger.” At the very least, he could be thankful that Jason wasn’t Roger.

A sudden knock at the door made them both turn their heads. 

Jason checked his watch, “My partners are arriving early for my meeting now. Come, I’ll show you to my room. You can lie down for a while.”

Mello’s legs felt like he had weights on his ankles as he let Jason lead him up the stairs. 

The second floor was just as impressive as the first, with a balcony that overlooked the living space below. Straight down the hall Mello could see a set of double doors that appeared to lead into the master bedroom. Mello could feel Jason’s hand sliding down the small of his back, guiding him through the door. 

Jason’s bed was massive. It was the biggest Mello had ever seen. Once they were closer to it Jason stepped in front of him and began unbuttoning Mello’s top, helping him out of it before doing the same to his jeans. He didn’t touch Mello’s black briefs. 

Once he was stripped of his clothes, Jason just stared at him. His eyes glided up and down his body a bit too long. Mello wondered if he was disappointing him yet again. He had always had a smaller build. His skin was smooth where it should be defined. His posture was poor due to the scars that lined his back. And he was too pale. He looked like he could be ill. 

“You’re a beautiful boy.” Jason said quietly, holding out his hands again to help Mello climb into his bed, “I will learn how to treasure you.” Mello couldn’t look at Jason’s face.

The bed sheets were soft on his exposed skin, but Mello wouldn’t lie down. As Jason moved to walk away Mello took his hand. 

“Whatever you want to do to me, you can do it.” Mello didn’t want Jason to give up on him. Roger’s words echoed in his head. He wanted to be the boy that Jason needed. He wanted this money to bring home to Matt. 

Jason turned around and took Mello under his knees, pulling his body so he was lying down. He hovered over him and planted a long kiss on his lips. 

“You just rest. I’ve got to go.”

The air around his head seemed to lighten and Jason was gone, the click of the doorknob the last noise in the quiet room. 

Mello felt like he was marinating in Jason’s cold bed. The inevitable events to come swirled his stomach and dominated his uneasy mind.

* * *

Matt threw his keys at their tiny kitchen counter, the door slamming loudly behind him. The thought that the sound might disturb his neighbors was plucked quickly from the part of his head that worried. He wanted it to shut up. There were bigger things to focus on. Bigger worries. 

He’d been so hot for so long that he ripped his shirt off of his head now that he could, his bare chest heaving. He had to think. 

The guys they sold the new stuff to were too young. They had to be younger than him. He felt ashamed. He felt like he had no control. He felt angry. 

The thought finally crossed his mind that Mello could be home. His body shot up and over to the bedroom. He could see him again, buried in their covers, barely breathing...but it was all in his mind. If Mello wasn’t there then he wasn’t back yet. His gut felt hollow when he saw the plate of grilled cheese he’d put there days ago now. He had been so gentle with him while it absolutely killed him inside to see Mello so broken. It ripped up his heart. Matt could finally feel it. 

He snatched the plate and stormed out of the room to the kitchen. He wanted to place it with the rest of the dishes, but he slammed it down instead. It shattered against the sink, a sharp piece slicing his palm. It wasn’t deep but it hurt his sore hand. He wanted it to hurt. He had barely protected Mello. He could have been better at taking down that man. He should have been better. His fists were sore but for what? Mello was still putting himself in danger. Mello was all he had. Who he had. 

Matt’s face was wet. He could finally cry. His lungs heaved out a sob he’d been holding back for too long. He let himself feel it all at once, focusing on nothing but his blood running down the sink drain. He was buried in his rage. His helplessness. His heartache. 

Realization hit him and his hand shot up to his chest. He could feel it tightening. It was going to happen. He knew this feeling well.

Suddenly his heart was racing. Racing so fast that he felt sick. His knees felt weak and he began to sweat. His heart banged against his hand. It was like someone was inside his chest, rapidly knocking, trying to break free. He knew the speed his heart could get to was not normal. He felt dizzy. 

All he knew to do that worked was to breathe. His body sank to the floor, his teeth gritting as he sucked in air as slowly as he could, exhaling even slower as he forced his heart to slow down. He couldn’t even cry without fucking up.

* * *

Jason felt too big inside him.

He was nothing like Matt. Matt felt like he had been made to fill him, but Jason was too much that it was almost painful. Mello couldn’t decide if it was a good or bad thing. He didn’t want to like sex with Jason, but he could do without the roughness.

Jason’s sweaty hands held his legs open wide, his body truly smothering him now, his weight keeping him in place. 

Mello couldn’t do much but lie there, his knuckles whitening as he gripped the pillow under his head. Jason’s movements were snappy and calculated. Mello felt small under him, but at least he could see what he was doing. He felt awful, but at least he didn’t feel like panicking. He let little moans escape his lips that he knew would fuel Jason’s enjoyment. He’d learned from his mistakes. 

“...You take me so well,” Jason groaned, his head was wet and sweaty as he sucked Mello’s neck, “You’re doing good, Mihael. This suits you.”

“Harder,” Mello whined. He wanted Jason to be satisfied with him. He needed Jason’s money. He needed to make things better. He had run away and ruined everything, and this was his repayment.

Jason pounded into him with what seemed like merciless strength. Mello could do nothing but keep his eyes closed, his moaning cutting off in a squeaking sound. 

“I’ve been hard all day thinking about you. Every day since you got away,” Jason growled, his nails sinking into the skin on Mello’s thighs like claws, “I’ve been dying to fuck you.”

Mello could feel tears rolling into his hair. He didn’t realize they were there. His body had to react somehow to the pain. He hoped it wouldn’t be like this every time. 

“Begging for it…You must like it hard like this don’t you?”

He couldn’t even try to think of Matt. Matt always fucked him so sweetly. He could see Matt’s face in his head reacting to all the new markings he would have from Jason. Disappointment. Worry. Helplessness. Guilt crawled up from his stomach and pinched in the back of his throat. He was dirty now. Dirty and used.

Mello understood Jason better. He was a harsh man after all. Harsh in sneaky ways. It was like he was being punished. Like he was trying to put him in his place. Like he was incapable of realizing his own narrative of conniving hypocrisy. Mello couldn’t disappoint him ever again. He must be capable of even worse things. He couldn’t bring himself to process the fact that as the day had gone on, it was becoming clear that Jason wanted more from him than just a do over of the other night.

Jason had Mello’s knees up to his chest. It was harder to breathe, especially when Jason kissed and sucked at his lips until they felt raw. It was like he wasn’t alive. Just an inanimate object that could feel nothing. He couldn’t tell him how much pain he was in. He didn’t want Jason to get angry with him. Not again.

Mello just kept his eyes closed tight…

Matt’s little head was above him. His brown eyes were giant and his tiny nose dripped. 

_“Mello wake up!”_ he screamed from the bottom of his lungs, his little voice frantic, terror evident in his sobs. 

_“Please wake up!”_

Mello could feel the earth beneath him, leaves dancing around Matt’s head. His back in such unbelievable pain that he felt like dying.


	4. Terror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: child abuse, physical injury & heart arrhythmia episode
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

FIFTEEN YEARS AGO

The walls always seemed so thin. Like they could crumble at any moment if Mr. Jim yelled loud enough. They did little to protect him when he did. His arm still hurt from a few days before. He would have to write at school with his other hand like Matt always did but he knew everything would be too sloppy. He couldn’t tell his teacher; she would be so worried about him. It had been a long time since he’d seen her. He wondered if he ever would again.

A storm raged outside, its rain beating the house like it wanted to break through the roof. The sounds filled the tiny room, but it was so dark that he could barely see out the window. He squinted but he could only imagine what it looked like as it thrashed through the trees and soaked the grass, pooling it to mud.

He could only see himself staring back, big eyes shining. His blond hair was growing longer. Mr. Jim would have to cut it soon; he couldn’t go looking like a little girl.

He tried to stretch himself taller, but he was too small. It was hard to believe he would ever grow, but he wished he could be bigger. For now, he was only six. Just like Matt.

_“Mihael!”_

Mr. Jim’s voice boomed from downstairs, the roaring storm falling back into meager background noise. Mello gasped as he turned around and froze, terror washing over him. He couldn’t move even if he wanted to. 

_“Mihael what did you do?!”_

He didn’t know what he did. He almost never did. But it must have been something horrible the way Mr. Jim was yelling. Jim was always angry but something about his voice was new and dreadful. He must have done something. His head began to hurt as he tried to think of what he did. Maybe he could fix it. There wasn’t time.

_“Mihael you better answer me!”_

Heavy boots stomped up the staircase. He was coming. Mello was stuck where he stood.

Suddenly, the floor felt wet and hot. He could never stop it once it started. Especially when he wasn’t allowed to leave the bedroom. At school he made the same mistake. He would always forget that his teacher never got angry. She always reminded him that he could leave to use the restroom anytime. She never got mad when she had to help him get cleaned up. Her hands were soft and gentle. She had seen the marks on his legs from Mr. Jim so she knew how bad he was. She had gotten other teachers to come in to see him too. He could still see the look on her face as she asked him if his dad ever got angry. He had to tell her that Mr. Jim wasn’t his dad. He lived with a monster.

He could smell his accident. Shame fell over him and tears pinched his eyes locked on the door. This would make Mr. Jim even more angry. He couldn’t breathe where he stood rooted to the spot.

The door slammed open and there was Mr. Jim. Bigger and scarier than ever. He’d been dragging Matt up with him and pushed him into the room, his body sliding across the carpet. Matt got right back up like he always did and stood in front of Mello. He was small like him, but his muscles were bigger.

Matt didn’t care that Mello was wet. Mello’s arms clung to him, but Mr. Jim snatched him away.

 _“You answer when I call, ya hear?!”_ Mr. Jim hollered down at Mello as his belt hissed out of his pants. Mello hated the sound. He could hear it in his sleep.

But Jim hesitated, and Mello knew then that he had noticed his accident. 

“You dirty, disgusting, nasty little _sissy boy!_ This is the last fuckin’ time you ruin my floor!”

Mello didn’t remember falling down. He just kept his eyes closed tight. It always hurt so bad. Like huge stings that shut his body down as each one landed. 

“Go away go away _goaway goaway!_ ” Matt cried, pulling at Jim’s legs, _“You’re killing him!”_ Matt was frantic. He could barely see Mello with all the tears in his eyes. He had to get Mr. Jim to stop. He didn’t care if he got hurt instead. He rammed his body into the giant man over and over, but Jim ignored him. He wasn’t strong enough. 

Mr. Jim turned and kicked Matt in the stomach with his boot, the force knocking him down. Matt tried to catch his breath. It felt like all the air in the room had been sucked out. His chest tightened as he coughed. 

Mr. Jim’s rough hand grabbed Mello’s foot, pulling him closer before snatching his tiny arm. Jim dragged him out of the room before Mello could find any footing. A huge, sweaty hand clamped over his face so he couldn’t breathe. 

_“Don’t kill him!”_ Matt yelled as loud as he could, crawling to the door, but it slammed shut. He tried the doorknob every time even though he knew it would never open. It locked from the outside. 

Mr. Jim stomped down into the basement and pushed Mello on top of the drain on the floor.

Shock consumed him as Jim sprayed him with cold water from the hose. Mello knew better than to run. He had to stay right where he was put and let the icy water sting his wounds and freeze his flesh.

When his teacher had cleaned him, she used soft cloths dampened with warm water. She even wiped his face with tissues as he cried, telling her how sorry he was. 

He shivered violently in the cold water. All he could think about was the pain. He hated himself for always getting in trouble. He wanted to rip the hair from his own head. 

His skin was pallid and his lips were blue by time Mr. Jim was done. This was punishment just as much as it was to clean him. When the hose turned off, Mello sank to the floor. His legs so weak and numb. His body couldn’t stay awake anymore. He hoped Mr. Jim would forgive him.

* * *

When he opened his eyes again, his nostrils filled with the familiar, pungent odor of the room they lived in. The only room they knew now that Jim had kept them in the house for so long.

Matt was filled with relief. His head rushed as he finally took a deep breath. All night long he begged to see Mello’s eyes open. Even if they only opened long enough so he could see them one more time before he slept forever.

All Mello could see was Matt on top of him. Matt’s face was covered in dried blood. There was a huge welt over his cheek and nose, and his eye was swollen. Mr. Jim wouldn’t let him leave the house this way. He wouldn’t be able to go to school. He wouldn’t be able to get away. 

Any little cloth in the room Matt could find was wrapped around Mello, including his own shirt. He had tried his best to warm him up. His skin looked white, like he was turning into a ghost.

“You okay Mello?” Matt asked in barely a whisper. It was comforting to hear what he considered to be his real name; what Matt had called him before he could remember. His butchered version of the name he’d been given by the ghost of whoever brought him into this world. Matt was the one who had sewn life into his heart, not some parent. Even so, the name Mihael followed him on the tongue of everyone else.

“Mello you were so cold. You were freezin’ I thought you were dead.” Matt’s face felt like it was ripping as he spoke, but he didn’t stop himself.

“I’m sorry. I tried not to be bad, Matty,” Mello croaked out, his throat raw from crying. Fresh tears spilled down his face. His eyes stung as he cried, but he never stopped looking at Matt. He couldn’t see his freckles anymore. Just blood.

“It’s okay you had an accident. Mr. Jim was so mad. He was so mad Mello I don’t know why.”

“Matty your face is all bloody. He hurt your face real bad.” Mello’s teeth chattered. He tried to keep his mouth closed to make them stop. He couldn’t stop himself from crying.

“I’ll be okay...You gotta be okay too. Promise?”

Mello nodded and wiggled his arms out from under Matt, grabbing onto his back to hold him in a hug.

“I’m scared,” Matt’s voice broke as he let out a heaving sob. Mello squeezed him tighter. He would hold onto him forever if he needed to.

* * *

Matt stirred awake at the thumping of Mr. Jim’s boots as they pounded up the stairs. His face ached. He couldn’t sniffle or see much of anything out of his eye. He couldn’t tell how long it had been, but he was still on top of Mello, keeping him warm.

Matt put his hands over Mello’s face. He was still so cold. Matt had never seen him in this bad of a condition. The severity of his injuries was becoming clearer as the hours had gone on. He carefully shook him awake. It took a few seconds for Mello to open his eyes.

Mr. Jim busted the door open and slammed it closed behind him. 

“Get up,” he ordered. 

Their fear and fatigue caused them to delay their movements a moment too long. 

_“Get up!_ You stand _up_ when I’m talking to you!”

Matt leaped up and took Mello’s hands, helping him to stand. Mello’s legs still felt numb. They shook as he put his weight on them. He had to lean on Matt so he wouldn’t fall down. The pain he felt kept tears slipping down his cheeks. He wondered if his legs would ever work again.

“You two fucked up _real_ bad! The police are coming over because they found out what bad kids you are! Do you know what that means?” Jim was belligerent.

“N-no sir,” Matt said right away, unable to control the shake in his voice.

“That means they’re gonna take you away to where all the bad kids go.” 

“You’re lying!” Matt yelled before he could stop himself, fear beating his heart against his chest.

Mello squeezed Matt’s arm, his own heart thumping in his throat. His baggy eyes stared at Mr. Jim, pale lips quivering. 

“You listen to me! The police will take you away. They’ll kill you for being bad!”

Jim leaned in so his face was right in front of them, his greasy dark hair wet with sweat. He smelled of alcohol and body odor, his blackened teeth gritting, “So you will behave when they come. And you’ll stand up right!” His tone shifted to one of annoyance as he grabbed Mello, yanking him off of Matt, “You stand up _right_ now!” His spit flew on Mello’s face.

Mello tried his best to stay on his feet. His weak knees wobbled as he attempted to fully extend his legs.

“Stand up boy! Do I need to get my belt?!”

“Please no! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” All Mello could do was keep apologizing. He was in unbelievable pain.

Matt grabbed him around his middle. He couldn’t care less what Jim would do. He would rather get hurt in Mello’s place.

Mr. Jim pointed to Matt, “And you! You’re sick. When they get here, you stay in bed!”

“I’m not sick! Mello is sick! He needs the hospital!” Matt demanded. 

“Shut up!” Mr. Jim yelled, grabbing Matt’s arm and pulling him closer. “You’re sick. You got hurt playing outside. You need to stay in bed.”

“No!” Matt cried, shrugging Jim’s hand off of his arm. Mello couldn’t look. He couldn’t watch if Matt was going to get hurt. He was overcome with the urge to shut his eyes.

Jim moved as if to hit Matt, but something made him stop. “They’ll take both of you if you don’t cut this shit out!”

Mello’s knees gave out and he sank to the floor. Matt held onto him so he wouldn’t hurt himself more as he fell. Jim knelt down and shoved Matt away, grabbing Mello by his tiny shoulders before shaking him. Mello’s eyes rolled open. The sight of Mr. Jim made him feel sick. If it was even possible to feel sicker.

Matt glared up at Mr. Jim. He could feel his throat closing like he was going to cry, but he ignored it. “He needs to go to the doctor! He’s gonna die! Please!”

 _“Shut the fuck up!”_ Mr. Jim growled, his nostrils flaring, “You listen to me!” The large man was visibly distressed, “I’ll be back later before they come. You guys start cleaning this fucking room!”

Jim let Mello fall to the floor as he stormed out and slammed the door shut, the lock clicking like it always did.

“Mello, are you okay?!” Matt sat down and pulled Mello against him. He held his own breath as he listened to Mello’s chest. He could tell he was breathing. It was small and quiet, but something was still there.

Mello had never been in so much pain. It was difficult for Mello to even think about what he needed to tell Matt. He could hardly tell himself what he knew deep down might happen. All he could do was nuzzle his head into Matt’s chest. As long as he was close to him, he didn’t have to be afraid of what could be coming. Of the possibility that his body could give up beneath the pain that numbed his mind to any other thought.

“Just keep breathing Mello. Just breathe, okay?” Matt shivered, his tears pricking the lash wound across his face as they trickled down to his chin, “Please don’t die.”

Matt didn’t know what he would do if Mello stopped breathing. What would Mr. Jim do? Where would he take him? Mello had to stay awake. He had to keep breathing.

Matt couldn’t know for sure if Mr. Jim was telling them the truth. When the police arrived, there was a chance both of them would be taken away just like Mr. Jim had said, but something wasn’t right. He remembered that at school they learned that the police were there to help. Why would Jim say those things? Matt didn’t know what to think. Even if the police could help, would Mello still be breathing by time they arrived? His mind raced with uncertainty until spine-chilling realization washed over him; he would have to get Mello out of the house if he wanted him to live. He was the only one who could. Even if that meant Jim would catch him along the way, as long as Mello could get help everything would be okay. As long as he could find Mello a safe place.

Even if he only had one chance. One tiny, fast-approaching opportunity. He would take it and face the consequences.

“You need to go to the doctor, so I’m gonna get you out of here.”

Mello stirred, “No…nonono…” He couldn’t imagine standing up and walking, let alone leaving the house. He couldn’t imagine the danger Matt would be in.

“Don’t be scared,” Matt whispered, gently placing Mello down on the floor.

Mello reached out and took his hand, “Matty, no!”

Matt could barely feel Mello squeezing his hand. He was so weak. It only further strengthened his drive.

He sprung up and began cleaning the room. Straightening the few pieces of furniture and putting all of their clothes and blankets in a pile. Matt pulled a dirty shirt over his head and slipped on his sneakers. He carefully slipped shoes onto Mello’s feet.

After a short while it was a clean room by Jim’s standards. They had been desensitized to the odor that poisoned the air and occupied the stains in the carpet.

Matt flew to the door and pounded on it with both fists, “Mr. Jim! We’re done! We’re all done!” He didn’t stop banging into the door until he could hear Jim’s boots rustling downstairs.

The moment the door swung open Matt jumped up in front of Mr. Jim, “Let us help you clean downstairs! We can help!”

Jim looked around the room. Matt could see that he was sweating profusely. Something was really unsettling him. He could feel it. It was unclear if this was doing more harm or not. His mind was so foggy he couldn’t focus enough to think about it.

Once they reached the bottom of the stairs Matt went straight to the kitchen table to pull out a chair. He helped Mello sit down and tossed a rag in his hand.

“Pretend you’re cleaning, Mello. Mello! Stay awake, okay? _Please!”_ Matt begged him in a hushed whisper, eyes searching for where Mr. Jim could be.

Mello gripped the rag with what strength he had and swirled it around the table. All he could do now was listen to Matt. At this point there was no going back. The alternative would be getting sent back upstairs to the room that he feared would be the last place he’d take a breath. He felt so weak, but he fought himself from giving in. He had to hold on as long as he could. He had to find the strength for Matt.

Matt went over to the sink and began washing Mr. Jim’s dishes, his head jerking back and forth to keep an eye on Mello. He groaned as worry began to take over. He had no idea what to do next. Before long, the police could be arriving to take them away. Mello would already be gone and that would just leave him to be killed. He couldn’t fail. He couldn’t let Mello die in this house.

The floor shook as Mr. Jim approached. Matt spun around to look at him. He had gotten dressed up and combed his hair over. He looked even fatter and scarier than usual.

Mr. Jim’s nostrils flared at the sight of Matt’s face. It was like he was looking at him with disgust.

“You shouldn’t have made me do that to your face, boy,” he grumbled, grabbing up beer cans from the counter and shoving them into a trash bag.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Matt replied, turning his back to Mr. Jim. The back door stood tall like a beacon to safety. He needed Jim gone again. He just needed a few minutes to sneak them out. Worry was coursing through him, speeding up his heart and tightening his chest.

 _“Fuck!”_ Mr. Jim cried out suddenly, his large arms slamming the refrigerator door shut. Matt spun around and made eye contact with the frantic man. Matt knew there must have been nothing in the fridge, but he didn’t understand why that would make Jim even more upset. There never was.

“You just keep cleaning! You don’t stop boy, or I swear you’ll wish you were dead!” Jim stomped over to the table and snatched his keys, “I’ll be right back!” The large man stomped out of the room and through the garage door, the slam that followed his exit rattled the walls.

Opportunity knotted Matt’s stomach as he froze in place. His eyes shot over to Mello who was looking back at him with what consciousness he had left. The window pulled his attention next, the bright sunshine and autumn colors twinkling like a canopy of security.

Mr. Jim’s truck engine turned over from outside. Matt shut off the sink faucet.

His little red head bobbed over to Mello and he was suddenly right in front of him, pulling him up and turning around as he moved them to the back door. He couldn’t figure out if it was his head or his body that had decided to seize the moment.

The wind whipped through their hair as it seemed to carry them away in its current. Matt held onto Mello tightly as they ran the best that they could. Matt wished he could pick Mello up and carry him, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough.

The beaming light made their eyes water. Matt tried to watch his path ahead, but everything was blue and disorienting as his eyes adjusted. All he could do was keep moving them forward through the wet yard.

They were reaching the end of the lawn, that was more so just overgrown weeds, mounds of dirt and trash. A fleeting thought passed through Matt’s head that it was crazy how so many houses were around Mr. Jim’s, but none of the people inside could ever hear them screaming.

They were just to the edge of the property. Just at the lip of the last row of weeds before the tree line that would blanket them from sight. Just close enough to have been successful.

An abrupt crash sent panic surging through Matt’s core. He whipped around and screamed.

The metal garbage can lid had been hurled against the side of the house, sending a sharp crack echoing through the yard to where they stood. Disturbed birds flocked from trees, away from danger.

Mr. Jim charged after them like a bull gearing up to strike.

“Keep running!” Matt cried, grabbing Mello’s hand and pulling him as he flew into the trees, his feet barely keeping up with his pumping legs. Mello’s hand was slipping from his.

Mello could hardly hold on; he could feel himself trailing behind. His fear was outweighed by a contentment that came over him. Matt would outrun Mr. Jim for sure. He would outrun him and be free.

 _“GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!”_ Mr. Jim wailed, his heavy body slowing him down.

Matt nearly tripped as he flew over roots and brush.

Mello felt like a weight, dragging on him and holding him back. He couldn’t breathe very well anymore. He wasn’t going to see the front of Matt’s head again. He wasn’t going to see the end of this last, tortuous day.

_“STOP! YOU STOP RIGHT NOW!”_

Now was his chance to untether himself from Matt. Mello froze in his clumsy tracks. His knees immediately giving out as he obeyed Jim’s heated command.

The pulling always hurt, but this time his shoulder felt like it had been ripped. He thought it could have been the wind that sent him flying until his back slammed into what must have been a tree. Breathing was impossible now. Even thought was out of the question, as his head met the sturdy, harsh bark. He couldn’t hear Matt screaming anymore.

 _“NO! NO STOP IT STOP IT!”_ Matt screamed so loud it felt like his throat could be bleeding, _“HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY!”_

Shock temporarily rooted him to the spot at he watched Jim bash Mello’s body into a tree. He wasn’t stopping. He was going to kill him. Mr. Jim was evil, but never like this.

Matt ran closer to the houses and screamed as loud as he could. And he screamed again and again as he ran back to Jim. Rage was all he could feel as fear powered his calls. All of the blood in his tiny body boiled as Matt snatched the heaviest stick he could carry and beat Mr. Jim with it. Everywhere he could reach. Everywhere he thought would get him to drop Mello. To stop killing him.

_“Hey! You put him down right now!”_

Matt had barely noticed the stranger that appeared. All he paid attention to was Mr. Jim releasing his grip on Mello, his back hitting the ground.

_“I’m calling the police!”_

His back felt like ice was burning into his skin. Even when he was only laying on a cushion of leaves he felt the pain throbbing down his spine, constricting his breath. The leaves danced down from above. He wondered if he would be gone by time the leaves buried him completely.

“Please don’t die please don’t die!” Matt shook so violently he could barely stand up. He crawled to Mello and grabbed his face.

Matt’s little head was above him. His brown eyes were giant, and his tiny nose dripped. 

_“Mello wake up!”_ he screamed from the bottom of his lungs, his little voice frantic, the terror evident in his sobs. 

_“Please wake up!”_

His back was in such unbelievable pain that he felt like dying. He felt like slipping away, but Matt’s voice screeched like the sirens that approached.

Which leaf would be the last he could watch? Had he already seen it?

* * *

Matt jolted awake. His first frantic breath pulled at his aching lungs as his wide brown eyes searched the unfamiliar room, desperately trying to find blond hair; the first thing he could think of even before Mello’s name began to echo in his head like a radar. As he moved, his skin tugged uncomfortably in strange places; he was all connected to beeping computers and tubes. He didn’t understand.

His eyes finally fell on the only other person in the small, white room. A woman all dressed in black. She stared back at him as she stood up and walked toward him.

“Wh-where’s Mello?” Matt’s throat felt raw. He coughed as he tried to speak, “Where is he? _Where is he?!_ Is he dead?!” The thought immediately dominated his mind and turned his stomach as images of what he had just endured began to flood in. The woman said nothing. She just stared at him, a look of concern on her face as she moved to the door.

“Nurse!” she called, keeping her distance.

Matt couldn’t breathe. He was scared to. His chest tightened as he cried out weakly. He was buried in dread as he gasped for air. A panging, fluttering sensation came over him. His hands slapped to his chest; his tiny heart raced so fast he wondered if he was dying too. He couldn’t. He had to find Mello first.

Matt could barely hear his own screams as he pulled and yanked at the cords on his nose and wrist. He was panicking. His head felt fuzzy. The computer was beeping faster and faster. It seemed to match his heart as it pounded rapidly under his skin.

“Matthew! _Matthew!_ ” Another woman was suddenly right in front of him. She wore a lab coat that matched the empty walls, but she wasn’t scary. She smelled like flowers.

“Matthew! I need you to try to relax. I need you to catch your breath. I know you can do it!” Her hands were cold, but soft as she adjusted the cords all over him. Someone else new was in the room too. A man. Matt jumped as his large arms came toward his chest. He fell against the nurse, trying to get away from him.

The man tried once again to grab the blue smock Matt wore, but the nice nurse spoke up quickly, “I’ve got it!” She carefully opened it up, exposing his torso. Her gentle hand felt for his heart as she stared into the monitor. More cords were passed to her that she began sticking to Matt’s chest.

“Where is he?!” Matt pleaded to her. His heart felt like it was zooming, “Where is he? Where’s Mello?”

The nurse held his face. Matt looked into her blue eyes. They were like Mello’s. She turned to the woman in all black, “Who is he talking about?” The woman shook her head and waved her arms in exasperation. The nurse gave up on her quickly, “Matthew! Matthew please try and calm down. You need to catch your breath.”

“He’s dead?!” Matt could barely see her eyes anymore through the thick tears that ran down his cheeks and over the nurse’s fingers. _“Mello’s dead?!”_

“You mean _Mihael?_ The little boy who came with you?”

All Matt could do was nod as he sobbed, his throat tightening with every shake of his chest.

“Oh Matthew, he’s alright! He will be okay, dear!” The nurse wiped his tears with her thumbs, “He’s here too, but right now I need you to calm yourself down. You have to calm down so we can go see him.”

Matt grabbed onto her and held on tight as relief calmed his mind. He was so happy Mello would be okay. Now that he had heard the best news he could have received, the reality of the pain he felt in his chest quickly set in.

“It hurts,” he muttered, his fists still holding onto the nurse, “My heart hurts.” Matt didn’t want her to leave his side. He felt so weak, like speaking was enough to make him nauseous.

“I know, Matthew,” she stared right into his eyes, “I need you to breathe with me, okay?”

Matt nodded and tried his best to mimic her slow breaths. He wanted to be good. He wanted to make her proud, even though he felt so uncomfortable. He could finally feel the aching pressure on his nose. In his head he could see Mr. Jim’s belt flying at his face. Matt scooted closer to the nurse until he was right against her. He could match her breathing as he rested his head on her chest.

“We’re just going to keep on breathing, slow and steady,” she spoke calmly, her kind hand stroking his back.

Matt could hear the beeps gradually slowing down. His waning pulse pulling him out of his agitation and closer to Mello.

* * *

The nurse’s hand was just as soft when he held it in his own. Matt’s socks padded on the tile floor as the nurse’s shoes clicked and clacked, the woman in all black trailing behind them. Mello’s room was nowhere near the one Matt had been in. He wondered what he was going to look like. The nurse had said that he was not going to look like he remembered. He would have a lot of bandages and he might not be awake. Matt didn’t care, as long as he was alive. As long as he could see him breathing.

The nurse stopped at a large door and bent down in front of Matt, “He’s in here, Matthew. We will need to be very quiet and gentle. We don’t want to startle him.” Matt nodded quickly, anxiousness bringing a smile to his face that stung his nose as she carefully opened the door.

The only thing Matt could think of was how small he looked on the bed, his eyes searching for the pretty blond hair he knew so well, but something was different. He rushed forward to Mello’s bedside, eyes widening when he could see that Mello’s hair had been cut and even buzzed off in certain areas, his head tightly wrapped with a bandage. Matt’s stomach hurt as a vision of Mello’s head smacking into the tree bark invaded his mind.

But it was Mello’s middle that drew his attention next and caused tears to well up in his eyes. He wore a thick brace around his back that made him look even smaller, his tiny arm resting on top of his plastic chest in a sling. Mr. Jim had broken him.

Matt’s head turned to the nurse, “He’s broken? Can he get up?”

The nurse rubbed her hand over Matt’s back, “His bones went through so much, but he is healing. He will heal and be able to walk, but it will take some time.” She dabbed his injured face tenderly with a tissue, “I heard that it was you who helped to keep him safe. That was so brave of you, Matthew. Mihael is so lucky to have you.”

Matt nodded his head, his attention focused on Mello. Countless times he had stared at his body, watching to see his chest rise and fall as he breathed. Now it was hard to tell.

“He’s breathing?”

“Yes he is,” the nurse moved them closer. Matt peered over the bed at his most precious person. Now he could see his lips were open slightly as he took short breaths. He was so proud of Mello for holding on. His hand shook as he gently took Mello’s, the contact stirring him out of sleep. Slowly, his blue eyes opened. They were even more beautiful than the nurse’s.

 _“Matty!”_ Mello squeaked. Joy rushed through his aching limbs at the warmth of Matt’s hand. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tight, but he couldn’t imagine moving.

Even now there was a shining light of strength behind Mello’s eyes that sent Matt into a state of awe.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Matt whispered to himself just as much as to Mello, “You’re gonna be okay.”

Something new settled fondly in his heart. It was peace.

* * *

The dark room bustled quietly as the other children slept and whispered. Mello stared up at the empty ceiling, his head using the emptiness of the night to think. He often spent a lot of time thinking about whatever he wanted now that his fear lived tucked away in a desolate corner. It liked to show up when he didn’t want it to. Like when he accidentally dropped a glass pitcher at dinner. It had been months since the incident, but he was still so embarrassed. It had smashed on the table and ruined everything. The worst part of the memory was how he ran away sobbing, waiting to be hurt, his tender back straining from his own reckless movement. Even Matt had jumped to his side, ready to protect him. But none of the adults were angry at him. He still remembered how he couldn’t stop crying until he was held and rocked. The steady movement had calmed him as his tense muscles slowly relaxed. No longer anticipating painful blows.

His eyelids grew heavy, but his mind was awake. He could never find himself at ease unless Matt was close by, and it was nearing the time of night that he found himself needing to find his bed. Matt had moved into the home much sooner than he had while he lived in the hospital, so the only bed available for Mello was across the room.

Mello sat up and placed his feet on the floor. It still felt strange being able to move freely after he had been restricted for so long. His back had an ache to it, but soon he would be able to run and play with the other kids instead of having to sit out. He hoped the other kids would grow to like him as much as they liked Matt, though Matt almost never seemed interested in them.

He moved quietly to where he knew Matt to be and sat down at his bedside, a smile warming his face as Matt looked up at him, his nightlight making his brown eyes glow.

“It’s getting so long…” Matt whispered, reaching up his hand to touch Mello’s soft hair, “Pretty.”

It had grown back so long that it brushed his shoulders. The adults didn’t care that he was a boy. They never told him that it needed to be cut. Not only did Mello love his hair, but it covered the scar that he wore on the back of his head.

Mello giggled, happy that Matt wouldn’t be able to make out the blush that undoubtedly covered his cheeks. Matt was funny like this now. Mello was starting to catch on that Matt liked to distract him, but here was something Mello needed to ask him. He had been waiting for the right time.

Mello slipped his hand over Matt’s chest. A soft thumping met his hand. “What happened to your heart?” Mello had been wondering why the adults were always checking on Matt, putting their hands on his chest and asking him questions. It seemed that Matt was gone for appointments at the hospital even more often than he was.

“I’m okay Mello, I promise,” Matt just kept smiling. He didn’t need Mello to worry about him when he was still recovering himself. It had been a long time, but he knew that Mello found himself still in pain almost every day.

“You gotta tell me, Matty,” Mello dipped his head closer, his eyes boring into him, begging him to let him in to what he was going through.

Matt placed his little hand over Mello’s, “I’m okay, really…It’s just sometimes, my heart goes too fast. Way faster than it’s supposed to go.”

“Matty…” Mello crawled on top of Matt and rested his ear on his chest.

“But it’s okay cause the nurse taught me how to breathe. I have to breathe slow and my heart slows down too. It takes a long time, but it always slows down.” Matt’s words vibrated into Mello’s ear. The sound was comforting to him.

“Matty it sounds just right for now,” Mello whispered, “I’ll make sure it doesn’t go too fast while you’re sleeping.”

Matt smiled, “Thank you.”

A gentle hand stroked his tender back. Mello closed his eyes and focused on Matt’s pulsing heart.

“How’s your back?” Matt asked, fingers sliding over where he knew several gashes and bruises to be. Most of them were healed now, but the marks never went away.

“It still hurts sometimes, and it clicks a lot…but it feels good to lay on my belly like this.”

“Well I’ll keep it safe for you,” Matt promised.

“Thanks,” Mello nuzzled his head under Matt’s chin as he settled beneath the covers. Matt’s chest was his most treasured pillow.

They welcomed the silence of the night, the only sounds from the other restless children. Matt smiled when he realized they had begun to breathe at the same time. Mello was so calm, but he didn’t want him to go to sleep just yet.

“Hey…The other kids were talking about mommies…Do you think my mommy was nice?” Matt could picture her in his head; at least what he always imagined she could look like.

Mello yawned and turned his head. His other ear immersed into the sounds under Matt’s skin, “Your mommy was the nicest. And strong too…What about my mommy?” Like Matt, Mello knew nothing of his mother.

“I bet she was really nice…” Matt’s hand slipped up to Mello’s head, lightly twisting his fingers in his hair, “She had pretty blonde hair too.” 


	5. Yielding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: explicit sexual content, public touching, & smoking
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

The footsteps Mello took back up the steps to their apartment felt wrong. It was like Jason had only temporarily released him for the night. It didn’t feel right to be dictating his own path.

He tried to walk in a way that didn’t expose the pain he was in. It was embarrassing, even to himself, that he could feel everything Jason had put him through. He had only felt this way once before.

He wasn’t prepared to disclose anything more to Matt. He wouldn’t know where to begin. He couldn’t believe Jason had shown up again. He couldn’t believe how quickly things had escalated and that now he was left to feel it long after the fact.

Mello leaned into their door as he unlocked it, stumbling feet trudging into the kitchen. He was dying to rinse the taste of Jason out of his mouth. As he grabbed the counter a concerning sight caught his eye. A shattered plate; its jagged pieces covered in blood.

“Matt?” he called out hoarsely. He couldn’t try and keep his entrance a secret if Matt was hurt. He quickly filled a clean cup with water, tipped it to his mouth and spat over the sharp fragments. “What happened here?”

The bedroom door opened, and Matt was in the frame, his bare chest catching the streetlights from the windows, sweatpants clinging low around his hips. Mello stabbed his nail into his finger at the sight. Something tightened in the pit of his stomach even with his body in such a used state, but it faded when he could see Matt’s face.

“Are you okay?” Mello asked quietly, not sure how to read what Matt was telling him with his expression.

“Am _I_ okay?” Matt stepped closer and Mello could see that he had wrapped his hand in a bandage.

“Did you have an episode?” Mello questioned further as he realized Matt’s heart could have been causing him trouble. It wasn’t like Matt to leave a mess like that. Something was off about how Matt charged up to him. Mello tensed.

 _“Where have you been?!”_ Matt hollered suddenly. Mello jumped.

He could see Matt’s eyes now, bloodshot and baggy. He was in distress.

“It doesn’t matter what happened to me! You said you had _one_ meeting so where the fuck were you all this time?!”

“Are you okay?” Mello gave a final attempt, his spirit crushing at Matt’s belligerent energy.

“Stop it! Just stop!” Matt was right in front of him, his anger evident. Matt never directed his rage at Mello. He felt sick being so mean to him, but he couldn’t keep it contained anymore.

Mello wasn’t sure how to respond. His jaw clenched as Matt’s anguish weighed on his chest. He never got this uncomfortable feeling with Matt. He had just spent the day with an unstable man, and his actions were turning Matt into one.

“You look horrible Mello. He fucked you didn’t he? Who did this to you?” Mello could hear Matt’s voice straining as he held back from crumbling. It was rare to see Matt on the verge of tears.

“…Roger,” Mello regrettably supplied, looking away. He didn’t plan on lying. He hadn’t planned out how he would go about telling Matt who he had actually spent the entire day with. He had spoken in a dark retaliation against Matt and his sudden hostility.

Matt slammed his fist on the counter. Mello flinched; a new wave of embarrassment settling in his stomach at his reaction.

“How could you let him do that?” Matt couldn’t look at him anymore. He felt disgusting the way he was treating Mello. A heavy regret labored his breathing.

The question stabbed Mello in the gut. His choices were, once again, breaking Matt. He was sucking everything out of him to the point that Matt wasn’t acting like himself. This is what he had feared would happen. Matt couldn’t see that this wasn’t a big deal to Mello. That he was doing this for them. He had access to so much money, but it still came at a cost. A cost that hurt Matt more.

“…You said you wouldn’t tell me what to do,” Mello spoke softly as he looked up at the ceiling, keeping his own tears at bay. He sighed and fished his hand into his back pocket, pulling out a rubber-banded stack of bills and tossing them in front of Matt. It was his cut from the transaction that had taken place earlier that day. Jason had said that it didn’t even need to go through Roger first.

Mello stepped out of his boots and walked away into the bathroom. He couldn’t look at what he had done to Matt anymore.

Matt sighed and put his head in his hands. He just wanted Mello to be safe. He hated himself for yelling at him, especially after the day Mello must have had. Or that he thought he must have had. His worry had agitated his anger.

Why didn’t Mello see himself as something to keep safe? How could he let himself endure such pain? Matt wanted more than anything to follow him into the shower that had turned on, to clean him and care for him like he had the other night. But he would have to let him be. He had to let him be all day and he had made things worse when he finally got to see him again. He felt helpless.

The dollar bills seemed brand new, but they still felt of grease and grime as Matt counted them, hands slamming down on the counter after he reached one thousand. He didn’t want to know how much more there was. He didn’t want to know the price of Mello’s most vulnerable state.

Mello scrubbed himself harshly, tears rolling down his cheeks, blending into the steamy water. Jason was all over his body, crawling and lingering inside and out. He was gone now, but he was still suffering at his hands. And he knew he would have to suffer again and again. It was his fault for ruining things at their first meeting. If he hadn’t been so stupid, he could have gotten it over with and moved on. Now things were too complicated, and it didn’t seem like Jason was backing down. It was more like he was seizing an opportunity. A window that Mello didn’t know how to close. That he didn’t believe he could close. Pain that was rightfully his to endure.

* * *

The bedroom was quiet, but Matt could hear Mello as he breathed through his sleep. Matt’s paranoid ear had been trained to pick out the graceful sound.

He sat across the room on their secondhand armchair, smoking a cigarette by the cracked window. He smirked as he remembered the day the chair came into their possession. At the time, they owned next to nothing. He had gotten a call from an exhilarated Mello, a flare about his voice that he never heard anymore as he announced that there was a gift waiting for them at the curb next to the neighborhood garbage. They laughed until their muscles felt weak as they tried hauling the chair up the several flights of stairs, the force of Mello’s final, exasperated push chipping the doorframe as the chair finally crossed the threshold of their empty little space together. It had been such a long day for the both of them that the moment they were finally alone they wanted nothing but each other. The sweat that covered them under their clothes shed a new layer as they grinded against one another, laughing and moaning and kissing.

The chair was a ghost of what once had been. How did Mello get so lost?

The nicotine seemed to calm him down once and for all, and Matt could finally think clearly. He felt horrible. Even though his worry was all he could feel, he couldn’t project that onto Mello anymore. He couldn’t risk chasing him away. He needed to be there for him when he needed it, even if he didn’t understand his choices. It was hard to accept, but he loved him too much to walk away…

Mello’s heavy eyes opened as he felt Matt get into bed. He was surprised that he had actually been sleeping, but the guilt that labored his breathing set back in swiftly. He hated that he’d let Matt see him like that.

He could smell that Matt had been smoking. He wanted to do the selfish thing and crawl into Matt’s arms, breathe in the smoke on his breath and kiss his chapped lips, but he held himself back. He couldn’t take any more from him.

He could feel the pressure on his body to stay down and defeated, his misery like a weight on his limbs and heart. Now that he was in it, he could tell that he wouldn’t be leaving their bed for a long time. The realization sent a stale, familiar pang in his gut. It was almost comforting to know he wouldn’t be facing reality for a while.

Just as Mello closed his eyes again, he felt a gentle hand on his back, stroking his spine.

“…You have to care about protecting yourself,” Matt’s voice was groggy as he spoke kindly. He wanted nothing more than to pull Mello against his chest, but he just had to let him be.

Just the smallest touch was enough for Mello. Tears began to stain his pillow, his stinging lips pulling into a weak smile as he welcomed sleep once and for all.

* * *

Matt could tell from the first morning that Mello wouldn’t be climbing out of bed to greet the sunlight. His body stayed buried under his covers, his energy dormant and tucked away, unavailable to anyone; even his own consciousness.

He was sure to keep the blinds shut and make minimal noise as he cleaned up. He wanted Mello to feel peace in the quiet apartment, though he wasn’t sure what he was actually able to feel when he never got out of bed.

He kept no company but the occasional customers that came knocking at the door. Things had gone smoothly until one of them had called him something cruel on his way out. His snicker still echoed in Matt’s ears. It was clear that his personal life was still topic of conversation among the group. All of the knocks at the door since sent a pinching feeling into his stomach.

It wasn’t fair to say Mello never got up. Occasionally he had made his way on wobbling feet to the bathroom like an apparition, retching and gagging over their toilet bowl producing nothing but slime that oozed from his mouth, his blond hair becoming a curly, greasy mop on his head. Through it all Matt had remained painfully patient, until it had been a few days too long and concern tugged at any sense that hid beneath his need to let Mello be.

Mello’s phone had died not long after he had initially come home, but Matt plugged it in at his bedside in case anything were to happen while he jogged to the corner store. He needed Mello to get something in his stomach. He’d bustled into the bedroom with a shopping bag full of orange juice and sat down at his side.

“…Baby.” Matt had pulled the blankets away from his face and ignored his heartache at the sight of Mello’s sunken blue eyes, his cheek glued to their musky sheets. He looked like a husk of himself. “You need to drink this. It’s gonna be okay I just need you to try.”

But Mello had turned around at his words. His silence stabbed Matt in the stomach, but he couldn’t give up on him.

“Mello…It’s time to try to drink something.” Matt had wrapped his arms around Mello’s middle and sat him up, cradling him. His shirt was damp with sweat, but Matt had rubbed his back anyway and eased him into drinking most of the bottle.

Now, hours later, he was back to waiting, videogames helping to keep him awake.

* * *

Mello’s eyes could not close him off from the world anymore. He had tried for hours but Matt’s juice seemed to help him with the ache in his head and give him just enough energy to keep him up. Matt coming in to save him felt like a defeat; he wanted Matt to take the time to leave him alone and not worry about him. His shut down should have been a break for Matt after Mello had worried him over the edge.

His eyes fell to his cellphone on the table next to him, another bottle of juice staring at him like a reminder of Matt’s beautiful heart. His own heart sank as he hoped that Matt didn’t go through his phone. Not that he would know the name of the man who had attacked him in the alley, but it would hurt all the same to know that Matt had seen the messages and calls that had surely come in.

Mello rolled over and let his body sink down onto the carpet, a rigid hand grabbed his phone. The little screen stung his eyes when he flipped it open, texts and missed calls from Jason confirming his assumption. Seeing the name from the safety of his bedroom was like an invasion of privacy. Even so, he deserved the discomfort that weighed on his spirit.

_You need to call me._

_Did he hurt you?_

_You’re a smart boy. Call._

They went on and on. Mello didn’t know what to think. He downed some orange juice, but the thick drink slicked down his throat. He coughed so hard he thought it would pour back out of his nose.

Mello took a shaky breath and dialed his number. At the very least, the dark room was a veil he could cower beneath.

The line trilled for a few brief moments and then he could hear his voice.

 _“What’s wrong with you? Where have you been?”_ Jason was calm but his intimidating presence was apparent even through the phone.

“I…” Mello didn’t know what to tell him. Would he believe the truth? Did he owe him an explanation?

_“I’ve been thinking about you, worrying. You haven’t called. I give you my money and you’re gone. We can’t have that.”_

“I’m sorry, sir.”

_“I’ll have someone pick you up tomorrow. You can show me just how sorry you are then.”_

“No! I…” Mello had to try to explain, he couldn’t have Jason mad at him, “I didn’t mean to ignore your calls. I promise you.”

_“What’s that boy with the little knife up to?”_

“He has nothing to do with this…I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean to.”

_“Mihael I’m just curious as to why you’ve been avoiding me. If you need more payment all you need to do is ask me. The least you could do is keep up with my messages.”_

Mello didn’t understand why Jason was acting so clueless. It was clear that Mello had been left in pain after Jason had finally gotten his way. Maybe Mello should have considered how Jason would feel to be ignored. Maybe this really was what he deserved for worrying him. Maybe this was part of the punishment.

“I’m sorry I guess I’ve just been…” Mello had to think of something, “Been thinking about Roger and you and how I almost messed everything up again. I shouldn’t have stopped you.” Mello felt small and defeated admitting that to Jason of all people.

_“Mihael. Nothing is messed up. You’ve been on my mind all this time. How opened up for me you were. I’ve been wanting you again…but gentler this time…I want to see your face when you come.”_

Mello’s stomach dropped at the sudden turn in the conversation. He was beyond embarrassed, “…I was okay?”

_"Perfect.”_

Mello’s chest swelled at Jason’s praise. A silence came over the line. There was a sense of relief in knowing that Jason had been satisfied with him. It almost made him want to keep pleasing him.

_“Mihael, if Roger is causing you so much stress, then some changes need to be made. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”_

“…Jason?” Mello shut his eyes, what he could remember from their first meeting rushing into his mind. Jason’s rough hands, vulgar words, and stubborn strength. Could that person come out again?

_“Yes?”_

“I was…really scared the night we met…Do you always get like that when you drink?” Mello could barely breathe.

_“…I know I have already expressed my regrets to you about that night. I am doing everything I can to be kinder to you. Don’t bring that up again.”_

Mello nodded. He could almost see the look that must have been in Jason’s eyes, “I’m sorry.”

_“That’s alright. I’ll be seeing you soon, beautiful boy.”_

Mello shut his phone and sighed, his eyes falling back to Matt’s orange juice and quickly catching on to the silhouette of Matt’s body in the doorframe.

Matt could see Mello’s head peering back at him from behind their bed. It was like a spirit of their past. He looked like the little boy he grew up with.

“Hey, you…How’s it going?”

Mello could finally take a deep breath. It was soothing to hear Matt’s voice.

“Hey, Matt.” Mello let his phone slip out of his hand and onto the carpet, his lethargic hand pushing it away. Pushing Jason away.

Matt walked closer, stepping carefully over the little piles of clothes and shoes all over the floor.

“Hey, I got something for you.” Matt knelt down and joined Mello on the floor. “I know this can’t make up for it but I’m sorry for yelling. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I feel horrible.”

Even in the absence of what seemed like all light Mello could make out the bar of chocolate in Matt’s hand. Mello smiled and took it from him. “Thank you."

They sat in the silence of the dark room for a while. Mello stroked his thumb over the candy. He loved the texture beneath the wrapping.

“Come here.” Matt’s sweet voice broke the quiet tenderly. Mello could tell he was holding out his arms. The contact he had deprived himself of was being offered up after hours and hours of avoidance.

“Matt…I smell so bad,” Mello admitted in a fruitless attempt at dismissing himself from Matt’s embrace.

Matt chuckled softly, shaking his head, “Come here, baby.”

Mello crawled into Matt’s warm lap before he could convince himself that he didn’t deserve to. His head fit comfortably in the crook of his neck as he breathed deeply. He felt secure, but Jason’s words ran on and on in his head.

“Everything’s gonna be okay, right?” Mello asked in a whisper, as if Matt’s assurance would make it so.

“Yeah. Yeah of course it is.” Matt squeezed Mello, his own doubts coming to the forefront.

“I’m sorry I smell…” Mello sighed.

“I don’t mind it really.”

Mello smirked and looked up, finding Matt’s eyes. He could see that he was still letting his stubble come in. It was almost a short, red beard. Matt brought his head down close and touched Mello’s forehead with his own. He was so cold. Mello’s lethargic hand took Matt’s cheek and he kissed him, their lips brushing and smacking in long, lazy kisses. For a few moments, nothing else mattered…

Mello worked open the bar of chocolate and bit into it. The satisfying crack bringing a grin to his face that twisted as the flavor combined with the orange juice that stained his tongue. He broke off another piece and fed it to Matt. They giggled together, Matt’s hand stoking up and down Mello’s back.

“Mello can I ask you one thing…about what happened to you when you got home the other night?” Matt couldn’t keep telling himself this was fine until he learned more. He couldn’t shake the buried memory of Mello’s body, red and bruised, from his mind.

Mello nodded his head against Matt’s shoulder.

“Did he force himself on you or…”

“I knew it was coming…I actually told him he could.”

Matt nodded, his head finally clearing of the worst imaginable scene. One that Mello had already gone through before. He pleaded with himself to accept Mello’s answer. To be okay with it.

“Matt the money he gave me—”

“Hey, no you don’t have to explain yourself. It was a lot. I get it…” Matt’s heart pounded despite the calmness of their bedroom, “So…You’re some kind of escort?”

Mello suddenly turned his head, his lips speaking right into Matt’s neck, “Matt…I couldn’t get out of it. I tried to. I promise I tried. I fucked up…I just have to deal with it now…I’m sorry.”

Matt’s lips slipped into Mello’s hair, “I just need to know that you’ll be safe with these guys. That it’s just work.” Mello nodded again and dropped the chocolate, his arms wrapping around Matt’s neck. He could feel his heart racing just as fast as Matt’s.

Matt finally had a clearer picture of what Mello was up to. What he had been trying to figure out ever since he met Mello at the river the day they started living together. The day that Matt didn’t have to stare at grey walls and eat shit for food anymore. The day he could finally be with Mello the way he wanted. Even with how far they had come in their relationship together, he had never been able to find out what Mello had been doing during their separation.

“We’ll stay for a while but then we need to get you cleaned up and find something for you to eat…Maybe go down to the river for some fresh air.”

“Okay,” Mello squeaked.

Matt’s shoulder was becoming wet, but he didn’t mind. “It’s gonna be okay,” Matt determined, his body moving in a lazy, rocking motion. It was an instinct he didn’t realize he still had. Mello’s body weighed on him, but he didn’t carry him as a burden. Mello and his breathing lungs were a gift.

* * *

Mello couldn’t avoid it any longer. He had to get ready to see Jason. It baffled him that he was still having to deal with this man. The man he thought he could just run away from the first night they met.

He had snuck out of bed and into the bathroom, but only not to disturb Matt’s sleep as he got ready. He planned to wake him when he was leaving. He could at least let Matt know when he was going out even if the _where_ and the _with_ _who_ were still pieces of information he could not disclose without hurting him. He wasn’t ready to hurt him yet. He feared it.

Mello studied himself in the mirror. Just as always, he couldn’t see the appeal. His skin clung to his face a bit tighter lately. He was losing weight. Matt’s t-shirt that was usually only a bit too big nearly fell below his thighs. He couldn’t lift it up. He would be too upset by the sight of his body.

Matt had shuffled his way over and peered at him through the open door. Mello turned his head and smiled.

Matt returned his smile and joined Mello inside the small room, hugging him from behind. Matt was still so warm from sleep. Mello wanted more than anything to join him back in bed. To pull at him under the covers to thank him for bringing him back to life once again.

Matt breathed into Mello’s neck, dropping little nibbles before Mello turned around, Matt’s lips pressing over his in a dry kiss.

Matt knew what Mello was struggling to do as he had studied himself harshly in the mirror. He helped him out of his shirt and let it fall to the ground, warm hands tracing over the empty bruises on his back, still kissing him softly; their touches saying more than words could. It always seemed easier for them to touch than to talk. It was a comforting language that had gotten them through their toughest memories.

Mello melted into their kisses, his knees slumping as Matt’s arms gripped his waist...

Mello finally stepped to the front door, his mind scrambling as he attempted to prepare for Jason. His hand was on the doorknob when Matt appeared once again. He wasn’t ready to give him up just yet.

Matt despised whoever Mello was going to see looking so gorgeous. His ivory hair was lovely against his black top, though Matt had thought it was just as gorgeous full of sweat when he’d held him to his chest on the floor. “You’re beautiful,” Matt whispered, finally breaking the silence of their morning together as his body moved in closer.

Mello’s heart swelled. He couldn’t stop the grin that erupted on his face.

Matt was so close that Mello’s back was against the door. This time, Mello initiated their last hungry kisses at each other, his arms wrapping around his neck, his voice like silk in Matt’s ear, “It’s just work.”

Matt squeezed him into a hug. “Just work.” He held him a bit too long. Still not long enough.

* * *

Mello’s heart sank as he rode in the cab. They were making all the familiar turns that led to Roger’s club. He didn’t understand why he would have to meet Jason there. Did they have something planned to punish him for the missed calls? He still couldn’t predict Jason’s behavior, but if what was coming was up to Roger, he knew it wouldn’t be good.

As the cab pulled up outside of the building, Jason was there waiting at the door. He didn’t look angry, but that could have just been because they weren’t inside yet. The large man walked up to the door and opened it, holding out his hand so Mello could pull himself up.

Jason’s eyes darted around before he took Mello’s face and kissed him, “I’ve missed you.”

“Why are we here?” Mello asked right away, tilting his head away. He couldn’t hide his anxiousness.

“Everything is going to be fine, Mihael. I just have to have a few words with Roger,” Jason kissed him again, “Don’t worry yourself, I’m going to take care of it.”

Jason’s arm moved around his waist to lead him inside. Just as they made it through the door Jason stopped and felt at Mello’s hips, “You’re getting so boney. That boy isn’t feeding you?”

Mello was taken aback, “N-no its not him…Sometimes I just don’t feel like eating.” Mello stared at the floor. How could his weight have anything to do with Matt? It was like Jason was unable to acknowledge his independence.

“We’ll have to be sure to get you plenty to eat today. Can’t have you wasting away.”

Mello felt incredibly insecure. Jason’s words stung him in his gut, “I’m really sorry. I know I look bad.”

Jason seemed confused by Mello’s response. His large hand squeezed his shoulder, another tilted Mello’s head back up at his chin, “You misunderstand…you are a gorgeous boy. We just need to get you a big meal is all.” Mello nodded. It seemed impossible to translate Jason’s words. He had just arrived and he already couldn’t keep up.

Jason moved as if to keep walking, but he shook his head and stopped again, his large body turning to face him, his hands taking his arms. “Mihael there is something I need to make explicitly clear to you.” Mello’s eyes widened. The kind expression on Jason’s face barely suited him. “I have no ulterior motives. You are a special young man, and I am pushing myself into your life to protect you. You are safe with me.” Mello couldn’t find anything to say. Something about Jason’s words made him want to fall into his body, a surprising feeling he couldn’t describe pooling in his stomach.

Jason cleared his throat. “You’re blushing…” His hand slipped up to hold his face. Mello turned his eyes away. He couldn’t look at the awkward smirk that he knew was on Jason’s lips.

“Let’s get going then.” Jason walked him all the way to the back. To the tiny room Mello hated more than any other place in the city. But he had to admit that it was easier to walk in when he was tucked at Jason’s side.

“Returning him already? What did the spoiled brat do this time?” Pathetic Roger was ominous where he sat at his desk in his shitty chair in the little room.

Jason stood tall. Mello realized that his head only reached just above Jason’s shoulder. “Mihael did not return any of my calls for days out of fear. I believe your arrangement with him expired long ago when you did nothing but make him afraid of you.” Jason held him like a vice as if Roger could snatch him away at any moment. While Mello couldn’t help but appreciate Jason’s grand gesture to stand up for him, the whole situation felt strange. It was like Jason was trying to put all of the blame of Mello’s distress on Roger, when Jason had his own role to play in the harmful feelings that clouded his head. Mello’s reasoning for ignoring the calls had been fabricated in his desperate attempt to make an excuse for himself, and seeing Jason step up for him over his disingenuous words made him feel guilty as he leaned into him.

Roger chuckled, his arms crossing over his chest. It was clear that Jason’s response was unexpected. “Well if that’s what you think, Jason. If you want to let him walk all over you be my guest. I was just trying to show him that there are consequences to bratty behavior.”

“Regardless of what you tried, it’s not working for him. I believe it is best that I take your place when it comes to Mihael. He’s much too beautiful to be so on edge.”

Roger’s cool demeanor could not prevent the shock that came over his expression. Mello caught a glimpse of the man who had once fawned over him, who had tried desperately to get others to see the value in spending an evening with his little blond boy.

Roger cleared his throat, “Listen man, aren’t you leaving town again?”

“I’ve planned to stay much longer than expected. I believe I’ve found a reason that is worthwhile.” Jason squeezed Mello’s hip.

Roger sighed, “If that’s what you want. I’ve had him for a while now. He’s not used to the more sexual favors yet. That’s what we were working on last time you showed up. You’ll have to teach him his place when it comes to meetings…He seems to think he’s too good to bend over a desk.”

Mello fumed where he stood. Roger’s words couldn’t be more overdramatic. Mello had never been able to reject Roger’s countless advances over the last year or so. He had always followed his wishes in order to earn his money. He wasn’t too good. He wasn’t good enough to be too good.

Jason seemed to ignore Roger’s leud explanation. “I hope to support Mihael exclusively. I don’t see anyone else being involved at the moment. I’m willing to pay you for him, at least until you find someone else, as he won’t be seeing clients.”

The smallest weight fell off of Mello’s shoulders. His surprised eyes fell on Jason’s face. He couldn’t believe the man he was looking at had actually caused some relief to come over him. He never would have been able to leave Roger on his own. At least, he couldn’t imagine working up the courage to do so. But now, it had been done. The invisible chain around his neck faded from Roger’s hand. He wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. He wouldn’t have to worry about anyone else. He had a strange and painfully confusing urge to kiss Jason’s stubbled cheek.

“Mihael…”

Mello was shocked to hear his name on Roger’s tongue. Roger looked at Mello in the eye for the first time since he could remember. The eyes that had once undressed him with their gaze and plucked him from his oblivion and into this mess now shone not with adoration, but with malice.

Roger kept his eyes locked on Mello, but it was clear that he didn’t have anything respectful to say after all. “…Okay then, enjoy the brat…If he ever lets you fuck em let me know.”

Mello looked away as Jason pulled him toward the door. “Now that I think about it, we actually have somewhere we need to be. See you around.”

Mello’s head raced with the implications of what had just happened. Jason really had him all to himself now. Could he really be trying to help him? Jason’s declaration replayed in his head…

He couldn’t ask. He couldn’t do anything to upset him. Without Jason, he would have no one to give him the money he and Matt needed.

When they walked back outside, the cab was gone and replaced with Jason’s limousine. Mello climbed inside to find a woman already seated in it, adorned in a luxurious dress. She smirked at him before greeting Jason. Mello could see wrinkles that sagged around her otherwise luminous eyes. She was definitely closer to Jason’s age, but he didn’t have the first clue of who she could be or why she was there.

Jason whispered something in her ear before taking her face and kissing her red lips. Mello didn’t understand what he was supposed to do. He couldn’t ask. He couldn’t interrupt. He could only look at the floor and be the good boy that Jason had just plucked from escort hell.

* * *

The extravagant, open room they sat in had been decorated floor to ceiling for some kind of lavish banquet. They were seated at a round table full of unfamiliar faces. Mello had initially wondered if it was a reception for a wedding, but as the hours dragged on with no dramatic announcement of a bride and groom, he lost faith in that idea. It had to be some kind of event for the business Jason was involved in. That was his best guess.

He didn’t ask Jason where they were and why because he didn’t think he was allowed to, or it seemed that he was too insignificant to be worthy of that information. Jason’s body language was distant and avoidant, his full attention on the woman who had been in the limousine with them. It was the strangest thing to Mello that he could be so engrossed in conversation and intimacy with this woman, but still have a stray hand squeezing at Mello’s thigh under the table. He wondered who she could be to Jason, and if she knew who he was to Jason.

It was strange watching Jason kiss her with the same hunger that he had kissed him with before. He wondered if it could be genuine. If it was genuine, then why did Mello have to sit there and be witness to it? Couldn’t he have just taken her to this event and had him wait somewhere? Mello wasn’t sure what he was supposed to think as he watched Jason’s tongue plunge into her mouth. As he cut up her food and fed it to her. Why did he have to be there?

Mello ignored the plate in front of him. He tried to avoid it like Jason was avoiding him. Just a little while ago Jason had been so concerned with his eating habits, but now he said nothing. The room was booming with loud voices and music, but he felt exposed with no one to talk to. He couldn’t believe that he was actually craving Jason’s attention.

The woman excused herself from the table and began walking toward the bar at the back of the room, Jason close behind her, holding her waist just how he held Mello’s. His face was buried in her hair as they waited for their drinks, his lips on her neck.

Mello couldn’t understand. The way Jason devoted his energy to this woman seemed like an audience wasn’t warranted. It felt like he shouldn’t be watching as he poured her drink down her throat and slipped a hand over her breast. Watching him tip the glass to her lips made him recall the first night they met. A lot was hard to recollect, but now he realized that he had forgotten that Jason had forced him to drink alcohol. He felt naked watching Jason handle her like he had handled him. Did it really appear that controlling and sensual? It was becoming frustrating just sitting with his own thoughts. He needed to step away and clear his head.

Others at the table had gotten up to socialize or dance to the now lame, lulling music. Mello decided to empty the table completely and remove himself. He got up and started making his way to the door, but Jason’s tall body caught his eye as it moved through the crowd and straight over to him. He was finally paying him attention.

Jason’s hand took him at the back of his arm. “Not so fast, little one. Where are you going?”

Mello couldn’t hold it in any longer, “Who is that woman? What am I doing here?”

“Never mind who she is. She’s just for appearances.” Jason steered him back to his chair of isolation.

If Jason’s behavior hadn’t already been so erratic, the show he had been putting on being so affectionate with this lady would have made sense as an act. It didn’t sit right in the pit of Mello’s stomach.

They reached the table and Jason was quick to walk away again, but Mello pulled at his sleeve. Jason looked around almost frantically, as if it would have been the worst thing for someone to see Mello tugging at him.

“Jason, please. Then why am _I_ here?”

Jason sighed and placed his hand on Mello’s shoulder. He stood behind Mello’s chair, his body language appearing casual, but his words causing the hairs on the back of Mello’s neck to stand up, “So I can look at you.”

“But you haven’t,” Mello insisted.

“But I have, Mihael. Please know I wish it could be you in her place…You’re so special to me that I can’t show anyone else.”

“I don’t know what you want from me…” Mello admitted. Jason bent down as if to pick something up from the floor, a sneaky hand grabbing between Mello’s legs. Mello’s heart rapped against his chest.

“You have to be patient. Show me you can be good and wait until this is over…And you need to eat something. Be a good boy and eat something for me…Don’t worry I’ll play with you too.” Jason squeezed him a few times before standing up, straightening his suit, and making his way back over to fetch the woman.

Mello couldn’t rationalize to himself why he wanted Jason’s hand back over his groin. Arousal threatened to tent his pants as Jason moved back over to the table with the woman glued to his side.

Their mouths smashed into each other the moment they sat back down, and sure enough, Jason concealed his hand under the tablecloth and found his way back to Mello.

Mello stared at the table and tried to hide the redness that colored his cheeks. This felt so wrong. All of the people around could catch on at any moment. While others at the party were not shy about public affection, Jason was out of control.

Mello gasped as he felt Jason’s fingers slip into his waistband, forcing their way down to touch his sensitive skin. This couldn’t go on any longer. He wouldn’t give Jason the satisfaction of making him lose himself in public like this.

Mello shook his head and pulled Jason’s hand out of his pants. He stood up quickly, not caring who noticed or stared, and stalked off to the door again. He didn’t stop to look back at Jason. He kept walking until he was out in the hallway, the door to the men’s restroom a safe haven to hide away and finally breathe.

The bathroom was just as polished and grand as the rest of the building. He was so out of place.

He couldn’t know how Jason would react to this. Would he act on his misbehavior here? Or would he wait until he brought him back to his home? Could he even be mad at him?

It wasn’t long before Jason joined him in the empty restroom. He didn’t stop for a moment as he pulled Mello into a stall and locked the door.

Jason pressed him against the wall, his larger body behind him. “You hate this. You want it to be you. I do too, Mihael.”

“I don’t understand. I don’t know what this is.” Mello didn’t know what to expect. The possibilities of Jason’s cruelty dominated his mind and sent panic into his chest.

Jason grabbed his hips, pressing him against himself. “You wish it were you. You want attention. You want _my_ attention.”

It was getting hard for Mello to breathe again. Fear visibly consumed him, and he attempted to fix it the way he knew best, “I’m sorry, Jason. I’m really sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

Jason’s arms slipped around Mello’s middle, “Hey,” he whispered kindly, “Mihael listen to me…There’s nothing to be sorry for. I’m not going to hurt you…” Jason’s hand found him between his legs once again, the squeezing calming Mello’s anxiety but keeping the pace of his labored breathing.

“I shouldn’t have teased you. I need to do the right thing and give you what you need…Running away like that…This is what you need from me.” Jason unfastened Mello’s pants, his underwear the only barrier to his embarrassment. “You were trying to get me to punish you…”

Jason did not waste a moment before sliding his hand into Mello’s briefs. “This is what you want, huh?” Mello gasped, his hands falling over Jason’s pumping fist, but he did little to stop him from yanking down his underwear completely. Mello’s pants were like shackles around his ankles.

“No, no…please,” Mello begged, but even he couldn’t convince himself that he wanted Jason to stop pulling at his throbbing skin. He was crumbling in Jason’s hands.

“Come on Mihael, you know you need this.” Jason squeezed his fist, his fingers brushing over Mello’s tender head.

Mello whined, his back arching against Jason’s body. “You love this,” Jason’s dark voice cooed in his ear, “Don’t fight it.”

Mello felt so tight. Jason’s touches were working, and he wanted to hate him for it.

“This is what you wanted…You’ve been so patient, waiting so long for me to make you come.” Jason was relentless. Mello groaned at his words, his body compliant under Jason’s control. Jason’s hand was so big around him. He felt like melting to the floor and holding his body in place at the same time.

This wasn’t like the time in Jason’s bed. This was something different. Jason’s trained hands were talented in their forceful touches. He knew just how to use him.

One of the cruel hands crawled up to Mello’s chin, large fingers sliding into his mouth, becoming coated in his saliva. Jason slid his fingers across Mello’s tongue, as if to be sure to get them as wet as possible. Mello knew what he was planning, and he couldn’t stop the anticipation that went right to his belly, making his hips wiggle against Jason’s pants, his mouth gaping open, his fluttering eyes watering.

Jason’s cold, wet fingers teased Mello from behind, swirling and prodding before his body accepted them. Mello couldn’t stop his hips from rocking in between Jason’s malevolent hands. He despised how good it felt.

Jason let out a low chuckle, “You like this?”

 _“Yes!”_ Mello whined.

“You want me to stop? I can stop right now.”

 _“N-No!”_ Jason had clearly used the opportunity to mess with him.

Mello felt so stimulated he could only think about working himself up to the edge on Jason’s hands. His hips moved as if on instinct.

“Look at you, filthy boy. You can’t stop fucking yourself on my hand,” Jason growled, pressing Mello harder into the wall, increasing the force of his thrusting fingers and pumping fist.

It seemed that the added feeling of confinement only helped to keep Mello’s member straining, his release brimming, threatening to burst at any moment.

“You hold it,” Jason hissed through gritted teeth, his fingers squeezing Mello at the base of his taught skin.

“I c-can’t!” Mello cried. His heart pounded as the anticipation of his release caused his legs to shake.

“You’re drooling and making a mess. It’s disrespectful,” Jason tormented him as he shifted his body. Mello’s head was suddenly suspended above the toilet bowl. “Grab on to it,” Jason ordered.

Mello’s wobbling arms stiffened as he gripped the toilet seat, his bottom now at a higher angle. Jason brought his groin close up against Mello to use his hips to thrust into him against his buried hand, his other fist still restricting his orgasm.

Mello’s aching breaths began to sound like laughter as he lost himself under Jason’s control.

 _“Please!”_ Mello begged, his shaking body squirming, Jason’s tight fingers stubborn where they stayed latched onto him.

Jason only laughed. “I want to put my cock in you so badly. For now, it can’t be helped…What a shame.”

 _“J-Jason, please_ ,” Mello groaned, his hips straining in limbo.

Mello wailed as Jason finally relieved him of the pressure of his cruel fingers. His cheeks burned red as he came, his lips open in a silent cry as he slicked Jason’s hand. Jason smirked as he stroked him through it, wiping his palm across Mello’s tender stomach.

“That was cute, Mihael. You’re adorable.” Jason’s lips kissed along his neck, licking and sucking at him. Mello turned his head and allowed Jason to kiss his lips as he caught his breath.

“I told you I would take care of you. You liked that?”

Mello hummed in approval, groaning at the loss of Jason’s fingers.

Jason retrieved Mello’s pants and pulled them back up, “I want you to remember how good you felt…” Mello grimaced at the wet between his legs now concealed by his pants. Jason was sick.

Jason’s belt buckle jingled as he opened his own slacks. “I’m sure you can repay me, but let’s make it quick.”

Mello nodded and found himself turning around and lowering his body, his knees resting on the cold floor.

“That’s a good boy.”

Mello closed his eyes and put his mouth over him, initiating an act he had only done with Roger before. He felt ashamed that he never could work himself up to giving the same treatment to Matt. It just reminded him of the man that scared him. It was something that made his stomach hurt every time he did it, but this time felt different. There was no fear. At least none that could penetrate his fatigued, erotic state of mind.

He couldn’t believe himself. Did he _want_ to repay Jason?

It was clear that he was doing something right. Jason let out groans of his own and grabbed a clump of Mello’s hair, “Roger doesn’t know shit. You’re pretty great at this…So eager.”

Mello couldn’t disagree. He _was_ eager. He couldn’t stop thinking of the stack of cash in their apartment, his separation from horrible Roger, Jason’s voice in his ear; his soiled pants.

He was eager to be useful. Eager to make Jason like him. Eager to repay his debts.


	6. Humiliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: explicit sexual content, coercive touching, light bdsm, unhealthy food habits, & public humiliation
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

As months had gone on, Mello began to feel more and more uncertain about what was to come. The days had grown shorter and colder, and so had his time spent with Matt. When it was just work, his double life with Jason was no longer a subject of contention between them. If anything, he only battled himself about it. But now, it seemed any day Matt could discover his terrible truth. That he had been spending all of this time with the man that Matt had found him with in that dreadful, dark alley.

“Where’s all this money coming from that’s going straight to the rent?” Matt had asked, a bewildered expression about his voice. Mello had explained the problem away saying that Roger had become especially sneaky with his generosity, while in reality, Jason had been wedging himself deeper into Mello’s life, and had promised him he would somehow be taking care of his expenses as long as he kept himself available to him whenever he requested. He was a demanding man, but now that the initial hurdle of understanding each other had been overcome, Mello had fallen into a tumultuous routine being Jason’s possession. He told himself he had to be grateful. He told himself that it could be worse.

While he grew used to Jason’s behavior, being with him was never a simple encounter. Even though he had gotten better at meeting his expectations, every day with him was both mentally and physically draining as he navigated the confusing relationship.

Being the boy Jason wanted took a lot out of him, but he loved being able to bring money home for Matt. He and Matt had more food in the apartment than ever before, even if they barely ate it together. It was getting to the point that it seemed unnecessary for Matt to stay involved in his own taxing work, though Mello had no room to judge him for his decisions when it came to that. He worried about him, but he couldn’t beg him for answers when he wasn’t willing to give up his own.

While he was growing closer to Jason, with every passing night he spent away, Mello longed for Matt. He was always nearby whenever Mello was home, but it was hard to allow himself the contact with him that he craved. The guilt that came over him with every touch weighed heavy on his heart and conscience.

Matt would be better off without him complicating his life, but the desire that consumed Mello at the sight of Matt had grown louder than the thoughts that usually steered him away. He couldn’t stay away anymore. Just for tonight he would break his own rule. He would let himself touch him.

He had been wanting to make Matt feel good. While their sexual relationship had many entries, he never was one to initiate things. To make Matt fall apart. His mouth watered at just the thought of taking Matt into his lips.

The bedroom seemed quieter than usual now that Mello knew what he was about to do. The night was chilly where he stood at the window, and he needed to warm up.

Matt’s body lay peacefully asleep in their bed. His face was always beautiful while he rested.

Mello hovered over him, his legs straddling him, his hands taking his scratchy face, “Matty?”

Matt stirred, “Hm?”

“You awake?” Mello whispered, his forehead resting on Matt’s.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

Mello smiled, “No, everything’s okay…” Mello kissed at his lips softly, slowly deepening his kisses before pushing his tongue into Matt’s mouth. Matt chuckled as he sleepily accepted it, Mello’s hair around his face like a curtain. He didn’t know what had come over Mello, but he was happy to find that the distance between them had been closed once again, even if it was just for this brief collection of moments.

Mello kissed and nibbled down Matt’s neck, Matt’s scent igniting something in him, warm and smokey. He had a hunger for more of it.

Cold fingers crept below Matt’s shirt, lifting it up above his nipples. Mello couldn’t stop kissing him. He kissed down the middle of his chest, Matt’s body tensing as goose bumps poked through his skin. Mello kept the same momentum as he licked at Matt below his bellybutton, causing Matt’s hands to fall into Mello’s hair on instinct.

Mello could feel Matt growing excited. His approach was working. He tugged at his boxers, but Matt moved as if to sit up, “Woah!” he gasped. He was shocked by where the encounter seemed to be heading.

“Hey,” Mello leaned over him, pressing Matt’s strong shoulders back down, “It’s okay Matty…Just wanna take care of you.” Mello planted a wet kiss on his lips.

“Okay,” Matt couldn’t take how adorable Mello was. He never quit when it came to surprising him.

Mello’s stomach swooped at the sight of Matt all grown for him between his cute, pale thighs. He wanted to feel him inside, but he would have to wait.

Mello’s impatient tongue licked Matt’s length before he slipped him into his mouth, his head bobbing as he sucked. He didn’t want to be too fast all at once, he needed to work him up to the hungry pace he was dying to go at. His mouth felt so full, but it was a welcome sensation knowing it was Matt.

Noises that Mello had never heard before began to string from Matt’s lips, his voice moaning in a higher octave than normal. Mello came up to take a breath and giggled, “You’re cute Matty.” He kissed at Matt’s neck, but Matt’s arms wrapped around him, restricting him from moving.

Matt had never felt so vulnerable. Mello was exposing a side of himself that even he wasn’t familiar with, and he wondered what circumstances had caused Mello to learn of his apparent talent when it came to what he was doing, “It’s really good Mello, but you don’t have to…”

Mello pushed himself up, Matt’s arms loosening, his fingers playing in his soft hair, “I want to. Please let me…” Mello hid his face in Matt’s chest, “It’s all I could think about…” He was glad the darkness was there to hide the blush that burned his face. Matt smiled and patted his head, “…I love you.”

No matter how many times Matt uttered those words, they never failed to make Mello’s heart want to explode into painful bits.

Matt’s back arched as Mello returned his lips to his throbbing member, his hand fumbling between his own legs to tug at himself.

Matt could get used to this. It was an incredible feeling with Mello’s lips around him. He had to repress the urge to thrust his hips into his mouth; he didn’t want to hurt him. As Mello’s warmth brought him closer and closer, Matt grew restless, his hands itching to touch him.

Mello slipped off of Matt, his low voice vibrating against his straining skin, “Matty, I wanna put you inside…” Matt needed to take action.

Matt sat up, making the angle that Mello worked at him even lower, his bottom rising higher, with nothing but crooked underwear concealing it.

Matt moved to rumble in the drawer next to their bed, but Mello latched onto his arm, making Matt align his hand with his pulsing member. Mello sucked at his fingers with the same merciless pressure, coating them thoroughly in his mouth. Matt couldn’t look away. Though he could have just watched him to achieve his release, he couldn’t waste time, especially not after Mello had told him what he wanted. He reached over Mello’s body, wet fingers sneaking into his underwear.

Mello let out a longing whine around Matt’s member as he felt his prodding fingers press inside. He loved having Matt in his mouth, but his teasing fingers made it difficult to concentrate.

Gently, Matt took Mello’s chin and lifted his head off of him, bringing his face up to kiss him, his fingers becoming more persistent. It was like Matt could sense his fatigue. Mello groaned and turned his head away, burying it in Matt’s shoulder, Matt’s free arm holding him to his chest.

Matt’s body was so warm…and stiff against his thigh. Laying against him only made his body ache more for him to stretch him open. Soon Mello’s hips rose up, his back curving as he stayed in place for Matt’s hand.

“…C’mon,” Mello whined, wiggling his underwear off of his legs. Fingers weren’t enough anymore. He needed him inside.

Matt smiled and slipped his fingers out, curious to see what Mello would do.

Mello pressed Matt’s back down on the bed. His soft hands sliding Matt’s arms up over his head before taking Matt in his hand and lining himself up. Matt was so firm that Mello sank easily over him despite the lack of lubrication, a whine escaping his sore lips as he took him in. It felt tighter without the little bottle Matt liked to use on him, but the sting almost made it better.

“You feel so big…” Mello murmured, panting as he held back, “It’s deep.”

“You okay?” Matt asked, his hands sliding to hold his bottom, “I’ll get you wetter. Don’t want you hurting.”

Mello shook his head, a whimper catching in his throat as he began to move, the urge to speed up rapidly becoming too overwhelming to ignore.

 _“Fuck Matt,”_ Mello groaned, his hips rocking, his hands slipping up to Matt’s chest as he fucked himself.

“…You’re so hot Mello,” Matt whispered. He felt negligent just lying there, but it was an amazing sight watching Mello work so hard, his beautiful face twisted up and flushed as he concentrated. Matt’s hands crawled up to hold onto Mello’s hips, keeping him steady. It was new having Mello do most of the work.

Matt’s grip on his hips grew tighter. Mello was mercilessly warm as he clenched around him.

Mello grew harder as he filled himself with Matt.

It was an exciting feeling being able to take as much of him in as he wanted, but it was becoming too much to bear alone. Mello’s thighs began to feel like jelly. Frustration set in as it became difficult to keep up his own fervent pace. He had underestimated how hard it would be with his body tingling from the intense stimulation.

While Mello’s desperate efforts to keep filling himself fueled his arousal, Matt needed to relieve him before he overworked himself.

Matt pushed himself up and took Mello under his knees, letting his body fall back on the bed. His hips pumped as he took over, bringing them into a position he knew well, his hungry fist taking Mello between his legs and pulling at him.

“Hey M-Matt!” Mello cried out, his eyes watering at the satisfying pressure, drool spilling from his lips. Matt had caught on and kept up his intense rhythm.

Matt let his head hang low next to Mello’s cheek, “I’ve been dying to fuck you…Couldn’t stop myself,” Matt confessed, dropping kisses and licks all over Mello’s neck, his teeth and tongue leaving his mark on Mello’s collarbone. No matter who else got to see Mello this way, he was his. Matt wanted to die inside thinking of the relief that would overcome him the day when Mello was free from his mysterious, wealthy tormentors, “You’re so precious to me…Please be safe, Mello.” He couldn’t let himself believe the day would never come.

Mello squeezed his eyes tight. He was so full he couldn’t even burden himself with his usual thoughts of how he had ruined Matt. He couldn’t even remind himself that he had started this, and he was once again using every last bit of Matt’s energy. He just smiled, letting his tears run into his teeth, wincing as Matt snapped into him. If happiness like this never came over him again, he could be content. He had taken everything Matt had over the course of their short lives, and the least he could do was never let such a smile cross his lips with anyone else.

* * *

The artificial light in Jason’s office made the men around the table appear even more pale and unpleasant than they had been outside where Jason met with them. As Mello had been able to gather pieces of information from context, it seemed clear that these businessmen were involved alongside Jason in something to do with the nightclubs. This would explain Jason’s connection to Roger, who was definitely in the business, but not a fellow aristocrat worthy to attend Jason’s parties and gatherings.

Mello didn’t study their faces for too long, as his current position made him somewhat self-conscious. It was strange to be in the room during what couldn’t be more of a foreign conversation to him, but it was made worse by the fact that Jason insisted that he sit perched on his lap the entire time. It was heavily implied that he was not to say a word, which made Jason’s demand that he be present confusing. He wasn’t expecting to contribute to the meeting, he just wished it didn’t feel like his lips were sealed shut.

Jason’s hands seemed to gravitate to his inner thighs, his large fingers making it challenging to sit still as they brushed against his sensitive skin. It was clear that Jason liked this sort of thing, but Mello was still testing the waters in terms of how far he was supposed to go in his response to Jason’s provoking. While this wasn’t a crowded dinner party, they were still in public, and Mello didn’t like the way Jason was borderline rubbing at him between his legs as he spoke about budgets and quarters and breaking ground. It was humiliating.

It was still surprising to know that Jason had a whole meeting space in his rented penthouse. Mello could easily break away from him and wait somewhere else until he was finished, but he could only imagine how irritated that would make him. He knew now what things made Jason upset, and that would definitely be something he would get in trouble for.

It wasn’t often that Jason got mad at him. He only tended to get rough with him when he rejected him for sex. Mello understood now that he didn’t really get to have a choice when Jason was paying him for it.

Mello had to be more accommodating to his needs. He should feel lucky to have someone like Jason taking care of him, or at least that’s how Jason told him to feel.

Consciousness flooded back into his brain as he noticed several of the men getting up from their seats. It was finally over. Mello wanted to stand up too, but Jason’s arm stayed hooked around him, his fingers stroking over him, making Mello twitch in his lap as his nonchalant voice bid farewell to his partners. He wanted to grab Jason’s hand and pull it away, but he knew that to be out of the question. His palms became sweaty as he refrained.

Jason became more and more unhinged as the number of men in the room thinned out, the last few departing together in one final cluster, the shutting door an invitation for whatever Jason was going to get up to now that they were alone.

Jason’s hooked arm lifted Mello slightly, his other hand quickly swatting over his bottom. Mello’s stomach seemed to drop to the carpet. Embarrassment colored his face. It was suddenly difficult to breathe.

Jason spoke right against the back of his neck, “I had to punish you for wiggling around like that. I was so distracted…” Jason rose from his chair, his body still sandwiched against Mello’s as he bent him over the table, “Was this what you were thinking of?” Jason rutted against him. Mello couldn’t stop the whine that escaped through his lips. “This is what I was thinking about the whole time,” Jason growled, his sturdy hand slapping over him once more.

Mello was ashamed of his arousal. He hated the way Jason could make him feel so hot yet so pathetic at the same time.

“Answer me, Mihael,” Jason demanded, his fingers clawing under Mello’s waistband.

“Yes, sir,” Mello spoke, his voice hoarse from what he couldn’t decide to be shock or just his lack of using it.

The air was cold on his skin as Jason exposed him, a freezing liquid pouring down his legs. He couldn’t believe Jason had brought it in with him. He must have been planning to use it in some capacity after the meeting. His large hands rubbed it around, coating Mello between his thighs. Mello arched his back up as his fingers grazed past his tightened skin, but he didn’t touch him.

“You keep your thighs nice and tight now, or you’ll be all red when I’m done,” Jason ordered, his voice low and mean as he slapped over his skin again. Mello wanted to die. The anticipation threatened to kill him as he squeezed his legs together obediently. He knew Jason was only putting on an act for his own pleasure, but reminding himself of that did little to stop the fear that swirled in his belly. He felt so miserable.

Jason only delayed things a few moments longer before he was quick to force himself between Mello’s legs, his hands gripping his hips as he used him.

Mello was no stranger to this situation. Jason liked to torture him like this in order to get him to beg him to touch him or put it inside of him, but he wouldn’t today. Despite his burning face and splayed fingers, he was more annoyed than turned on. Jason had been so stiff underneath him nearly the entire meeting. He knew it couldn’t be long before Jason would finish.

Mello’s muscles strained as he stayed perfectly in place. He didn’t want Jason to hit him again, but he seemed to do it anyway, doubling his blows to intensify the pain. Mello hissed into the wood, the sting was getting to him.

Not before long there was a mess all over his back. It always made him nauseous. The only thing keeping him from protesting was the fact that Jason never failed to tuck in a bit of extra money when things got out of control like this. At least now it could be over.

But Jason’s hand suddenly latched on around him between his fatigued legs. Mello whimpered, he felt so tight it was almost painful. He hated that he needed Jason to make him feel better.

“You were so still for me and I hit you anyway…but look how hard you got,” Jason whispered right into his ear, his tongue licking at him as he stroked him.

Jason’s fingers plunged inside of him and Mello couldn’t hold back his moaning anymore. He cried out as Jason finally touched his patient skin.

“There’s that pretty voice,” Jason acknowledged, his large fingers filling him, stretching his skin open. “Your skin is so pink, I wish you could see it.” Jason seemed to love spilling irritating words into his head when he had control over him like this. “You must like the pain, it isn’t stopping you from bucking your hips.”

Mello groaned in annoyance, his release at the forefront of his frazzled mind. _“Shut up,”_ he whined, his voice barely audible.

“Hm?” Jason hummed, his fist squeezing him relentlessly, “I can’t hear you, Mihael, though you better be nice or I’ll keep spanking you.”

Jason’s fervid knuckles slipped deeper inside, and Mello couldn’t keep his voice in. He didn’t recognize the raspy moans that vibrated through his neck against the table. His cries seemed to scratch the back of his throat as his whole body stiffened in Jason’s hands.

“There’s a good boy,” Jason cooed, “I can’t believe you’ve got me going again. I’m gonna really fill you up now.”

Mello squeaked at the loss of Jason’s fingers, his other hand no longer pumping at him. He felt suspended and teased.

“Tell me you want it,” Jason ordered. Mello could barely form a coherent thought let alone speak. He felt so primal as his hips raised in the cold air, searching for friction.

 _“Fuck me,”_ Mello whined, his voice settling deeper now that he could catch his breath, “Please, Jason. Please fuck me.” Mello knew what he wanted to hear, but he couldn’t deny that he was writhing in the suspense.

Jason chuckled as his large member pressed through him, making Mello’s toes curl as his legs opened wider. Mello’s loosened skin clamped around him. Tears ran down from his glazed eyes and snot dribbled from his nose as his body jerked through his brutish thrusts. Mello cried out as Jason bashed him deep. He felt so numb and overstimulated he could barely feel it as he came, Jason’s renewed stamina overworking his aching body and striking his skin, making it singe like a burn.

He felt like a husk, but he remained compliant as Jason continued with him. He was in the very least grateful for how slippery it all felt, as Jason’s force could have easily caused him great pain if it weren’t for how wet he was.

Mello could only wait for Jason to finish once again, his skin pulsing as his resilience diminished. He was like putty beneath Jason’s hellish current. He wanted to disappear beneath it, his body too heavy to come up for air.

* * *

“I told you I’d bring you somewhere nice. What do you think?” Jason purred across the table, the lighting from the centerpiece making his black eyes glow. Mello could finally get a clear glimpse at the hunger in them. He could actually spot his pupils. It was almost invasive being able to look into them so clearly.

“It’s lovely,” Mello agreed, breaking his gaze and admiring the ornate restaurant.

Mello had spent the remainder of the day trying to recover from the morning, but a long bath did little to stifle the pressure that throbbed inside him even as he sat still. It could have been worse, but it was bothersome nonetheless. It certainly destroyed his already compromised appetite.

It was strange sitting so calmly with the same man who had caused the discomfort he was in; it was like a scandalous secret to everyone else in the room. It was so unspoken that it was the only thing he could dwell on. A fact that was so loud in his mind that it had to be something Jason was thinking about as well. He couldn’t stop himself from imagining what the same scene would look like in the wide-open room they sat in. The silverware would clang as Jason pressed him into the tablecloth. Heads would turn as he cried out until his throat was raw…

“What’s on your mind?” Jason interrupted his thoughts. Mello caught his eyes once again. He couldn’t believe how relaxed Jason was.

“Nothing. I’m just tired.” Mello spoke as honestly as he could without giving Jason anything to go on. He didn’t want his racing, distracted mind to be the subject of their conversation.

“I know this morning was unexpected. You’re good at getting me fired up like that.”

Mello’s eyes widened as he looked away.

“You can tell me if it was too much.”

Mello couldn’t possibly stare harder into the glass of water in front of him, “N-No it’s not that.”

“I should have stopped,” Jason smirked, “But I wish you could have seen how greedy you looked, I had to fill you up as much as I could.”

“I _really_ don’t want to talk about it here,” Mello interrupted, his nails digging into the palms of his hands.

“Very well,” Jason chuckled, downing a gulp of wine.

A sudden chime halted Mello’s train of thought. It was his cellphone. He instinctively reached for his pocket, but he quickly remembered that Jason had it. Mello couldn’t pinpoint the exact time he had started taking it from him upon his arrival; it had just fallen into their routine. Jason always said that he didn’t want Mello to be distracted. He needed to take their time together seriously.

Mello felt foolish watching Jason take out his phone. His large hands flipped it open and thumbed at the buttons, his brow raising in interest.

“So his name’s Matt, huh?”

Mello’s heart fluttered at the mention of his name.

“W-What did he say?” Mello asked earnestly, leaning closer to Jason. He sucked his teeth in frustration as he could feel the used parts of his body aching at his movement. “Let me see!” he begged, his arm reaching out.

Jason’s smile never disappeared as his eyes stayed focused on the little illuminated screen. It was clear he was reading more than the most recent message. The button clicked as he scrolled. It was the only sound between them as Mello waited for Jason to answer him. He wanted to snatch his phone out of his intrusive hands.

“Does he know you have sex with me?” Jason asked, the question hitting Mello in the pit of his stomach. “You have sex with him, right?”

Mello wanted to scream. If it weren’t for their public setting, he might have yelled his response at Jason.

“I…”

Mello felt gutted being reminded of what a terrible person he was to Matt. He could still see how broken his face had looked as his words had lashed across Mello’s heart.

_He fucked you didn’t he?_

His hand that had been reaching out to his phone shriveled up as he sank into his chair in defeat.

Jason merely let out a short laugh, aloof to Mello’s serious reaction to his question.

“So it seems he _doesn’t_ know what you get up to with me. Maybe he doesn’t even know it’s me you’re with right now.”

“Please stop.”

Jason didn’t know anything. He didn’t know how patient Matt was. How accepting he was of his mess. Matt would let him drag him through the dirt forever.

“He better not be giving me any diseases. Should I pay for him to go to the clinic as well?”

Mello’s hands curled into tight fists. How dare he suggest that about Matt. How dare he speak about him like this when he knew Mello couldn’t stand up for him properly. Jason had to know that this agitated him. He was playing with him as usual.

“You’re getting so upset. You’ve been a bad boy lying to him, Mihael. Shall we call him and set things straight?” Jason’s hand around his phone was suddenly even more threatening.

“It’s not funny.”

“I wonder…What’s he like for you in bed? If you’re letting him sleep with you, there must be something he’s doing. I know very well that you don’t grant that luxury to anyone.”

Mello was so angry he felt like he could implode as he held back. How could Jason say such horrible things so calmly? How could he _let_ him say those things about Matt? Mello could only stew in his chair. He hated the control Jason had. If he had an outburst now, he would pay for it later, and his body was already worn down. He couldn’t come stumbling home to Matt again.

“Mihael, there’s no need for you to be so upset. These are only questions.”

Mello shut his eyes. He couldn’t handle it anymore. “Leave him out of this. This has nothing to do with him so stop it already.”

Mello was almost shocked at the way his words stung as they fell from his tongue. He was immediately full of regret. He had never spoken to Jason with such a nasty tone of voice. He could feel his face coloring in shame.

Jason’s expression was gray with annoyance. Mello’s mind scrambled trying to figure out what to say to him, but he couldn’t be so quick to apologize when it came to Matt. He could at least do that much for him.

Jason shook his head, “Either you’re angry with me or you must want me to hit you again,” he finally retorted. It was clear that he was trying to lighten the conversation to his own sexual advantage.

Mello could never have a valid emotion. It was always on Jason’s terms.

Mello sighed, Jason’s coy reaction quieting his worries, “You’re really awful you know…”

Jason only scoffed. Mello wondered what was in Jason’s drink that seemed to keep him so relaxed. Typically, Jason preferred whiskey, which tended to bring out the worst in him. Wine was becoming a welcome change.

“Just answer me one thing…” Jason spoke, his voice hushed but cunning, “Can you still feel me as you sit there?”

Mello’s eyes widened, an incredulous look spreading over his face. He couldn’t stop his lower belly from tightening at his perverted question. He was certain now that Jason had been thinking about that morning just as much as he was. It was tiresome navigating Jason’s surprising conversations, but he decided he wanted to keep him satisfied. He looked straight into his eyes and nodded, his bottom twitching at the look he got back from Jason. He looked as if he could easily come on to him again, like a beast anticipating his attack.

Before the conversation could go any further, the waitress had appeared, and Jason ordered for them. Mello grimaced as he could hear Jason requesting too much food. There was no way he could eat now. He wouldn’t be able to bring himself to do it.

Mello waited for the kind woman to walk away before he attempted to get out of the mountain of pasta that would be arriving in front of him.

“When we got here I said I wasn’t hungry.”

Jason was quick to shut him down, “And I chose not to listen to that. It’s bullshit, Mihael. You’ve been with me for the last few days and you have barely eaten a thing.”

Mello couldn’t argue with the truth, or Jason’s tone of voice. He was at a loss for what to say. Jason couldn’t understand him when it came to eating. One of the few things he found himself able to control in his life was food, and recently Mello found himself turning it away or just picking at bites more often than actually nourishing his body. He felt he didn’t deserve to eat it, especially in the presence of Jason. The man he was going behind Matt’s back with.

As his time spent with Jason had gone on, even when he felt hunger pain, he didn’t want to be quick to stifle it. He wanted to feel it. His appetite had conditioned itself and waned in the process. The thought of even trying to eat at this current moment made him nauseous.

Mello remained quiet as they waited for their plates. He attempted to mentally prepare himself, but something about the hot pasta sauce and how it would slide down the back of his throat only made him dread it more. Maybe if Jason hadn’t responded the way he did he would be more willing to try, but now that he knew Jason was well aware of his lack of eating, he felt even more exposed.

Now more than ever he wanted to be home. He wanted to get away from Jason. He couldn’t even look up at him anymore, and he couldn’t stop himself from feeling guilty about it either.

Matt never pressured him or judged him the way Jason did. It was clear that Matt was too gentle and understanding with him. He was wasting his angelic energy on a terrible person. Mello shamed himself for feeling like he deserved Matt’s tenderness. He would have to try and get used to the way Jason handled him.

Mello’s mind had become so loud he began to feel disoriented. His panic crawled up from his belly to his chest and labored his breathing. He fought himself to keep it at bay.

He hated the way he felt imprisoned under Jason’s gaze as the food was placed on their table. He could smell it now, and it only sickened him more.

He would try his best. He had to make an attempt to avoid whatever Jason would do to him if he just sat there like a brat. He felt so stupid holding his fork like a foreign object. His head suddenly felt like it was flooding and he could see himself much smaller sitting around a full table of children, holding his fork the same way, Matt’s little brown eyes watching him. His hesitation with food had followed him longer than he had been able to remember.

“You’re just picking at it,” Jason pointed out, his eyes heavy with wine and irritation.

Mello shook his head, “…Just don’t feel like eating.”

“But you haven’t even tried.”

Jason couldn’t even tell that he _was_ trying. His efforts must have appeared too subtle. Matt would have been able to see his attempt. He would have acknowledged it and praised him before letting him off the hook.

Mello felt silly for still thinking of Matt. For wasting his resources even when he wasn’t there. But he was desperate to try and remember how he had felt the night Matt took him to get burgers. He didn’t have a problem eating then. Matt had even gotten him to drink juice and feel excited about chocolate…

If Matt was the key to his problem he would rather starve than waste his energy anymore.

“I’m starting to think you’re acting a bit ungrateful.”

Mello’s eyes shot up in disbelief. He should have expected such a dramatic response; Jason was never good at interpreting his odd behavior.

“It’s not like that…” Mello attempted, but he was at a loss for how he would try to explain himself further. It would be a waste to try and get him to understand.

Jason ignored him, “I’ve made many sacrifices to keep supporting you. You can at the very least eat the food I’ve put in front of you.”

Once again, it was true. Jason had stayed in the city in his rented home much longer than he had planned. He lived hundreds of miles away across the country, and was using lots of extra resources to keep things running from a distance. He liked to hold this over Mello’s head when he could. Threatening him with the inevitability of his leave. Making it clear that his support came from his desire to have Mello, but still had to be earned. Their relationship was a transaction at its core, but it had become full of confusing emotions and expectations.

“I’m sorry,” Mello spoke quietly, nausea creeping up his throat. The smell was getting to him. He couldn’t understand why Jason was so stuck on this. If he only knew how uncomfortable he was. Maybe he _could_ tell. Maybe he was misinterpreting it? Maybe he didn’t care?

“Show me you’re sorry and eat. You’re acting like a child.”

Mello stared at the hot, slimy plate in front of him. He couldn’t believe how quickly Jason had switched his demeanor. Perhaps it just took a little bit longer for him to get mean when it was wine.

“We’re not leaving until you finish,” Jason added.

Mello felt foolish hearing Jason speak to him in such a way. He closed his eyes, his eyebrows knotting together as he stabbed his fork into the mound on his plate and shoveled a bite through his lips. His body worked to reject it, but he fought the urge to spit it out.

Tears poked from the corners of his shut eyes as he continued, the steaming noodles slithering on his tongue like worms. Mello sniffled as he gulped it down, his face wet as he couldn’t stop himself from crying. He wanted more than anything to stop. He was beyond humiliated. But he couldn’t. He had to keep going until he was done. He had to do as Jason said.

Mello managed to feed himself several bites despite the fact that he could feel the pasta coming back up his throat as soon as it went down. He hoped Jason would be satisfied.

He swiped his sleeve across his eyes and tried to continue, but his shaking hand caused his fork to slip and clatter on his plate.

“Mihael?”

Mello finally opened his eyes. Jason’s face was twisted up in concern. Or was it shock? He was too uncomfortable to tell.

“Please,” Mello begged, clearing his throat, “Please don’t make me…”

“That will be enough, Mihael. Wipe your face.” Jason’s voice was low and defeated. A rare tone in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” Mello continued, “I’m sorry I can’t have any more.”

“That’s alright…Sit up straight, we’ll get the check now.”

Relief seemed to dry Mello’s eyes. He hated that Jason had just seen him react like that. He was so worn out that he couldn’t help it. His eyes felt heavy as he found himself staring at Jason’s hands…

The night was chilly on Mello’s face, the wind whipping though his hair as they stalked up the sidewalk to Jason’s limousine. Mello was so spent that even the cold air did little to pull him from his exhaustion.

Jason was oddly quiet for the number of drinks in his body. Worry amplified in Mello’s head. Was he angry? Was he going to abandon him now? Jason’s arm around him was just as secure as it always felt, but he had to be sure that he didn’t upset him more.

“I’m really sorry…” Mello attempted, Jason’s arm jerking him up as he stumbled over a crack in the pavement.

Mello received no response from the suddenly reserved man. It wasn’t until they reached the limo that Jason took his chin and kissed him deeply. Mello’s legs buckled under the force, his exhaustion eating at him. Mello gasped for air at Jason’s release before his lips were quickly muted by the larger man’s once more, his back pressing into the slick car door. Mello knew what kind of hunger was behind his kiss. He couldn’t believe that Jason didn’t seem to be tired at all.

Jason dragged him into the backseat and shuffled over to the close the partition. Mello could feel the limousine pull out into the road as Jason met his lips again, his large hands working open Mello’s pants.

Mello turned his head away, “What are you doing?”

“Quiet now,” Jason growled, yanking Mello’s pants down to his knees. The seat was freezing on his bare skin.

“I can’t. I can’t even…”

“Can’t what?”

Mello wanted to tell him that he was still sore from earlier that day. He wanted him to know that he felt embarrassed with someone else in the car, even though he couldn’t see. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t want to have sex again, especially after Jason’s cruelty…but Jason’s words repeated in his head.

_Ungrateful._

“I’m sorry. Never mind.”

Mello shuddered as Jason slid his fingers between Mello’s legs, his fist sweaty as it pumped at him. Mello latched his arms onto Jason’s back, the fabric of his suit jacket slippery in his weak grasp.

“Don’t worry,” Jason nuzzled his head into Mello’s neck, “I’m bringing you home to _him_ now, and I’ll be traveling for the next few days. I have to take all I can from you just so I can make it through…I won’t be rough again…Unless that’s what you want?”

Mello shook his head, Jason’s thumb stroking over his lips and pushing through his teeth.

“Look at me.”

Mello listened right away, his quivering eyes jolting up to look into Jason’s dark circles.

“I’m not mad at you if that’s what you think.” Jason’s thumb swirled on Mello’s tongue. Mello couldn’t answer even if he knew what he would say. “I will be though if you pull something like that again. Do you understand?”

Mello could feel his throat tightening as Jason’s other thumb toyed with his tender head. On a reflex he closed his eyes, a moan slipping out of his mouth. He wanted to bite Jason’s finger off and shove him away. He wanted him out of his face and off of his body for the way he had treated him. After all of that, did he really still think that he reacted that way on purpose?

_Ungrateful._

“Open your legs more,” Jason grunted, his fingers tickling as they teased behind his member.

Mello whined as he obeyed, his most sensitive areas becoming even more accessible.

Jason slipped his finger out of Mello’s mouth, “I need to hear that you understand, Mihael.”

“Yes, sir,” Mello appeased him. He hated the idea of sex in the car. Just the fact that it was going to happen seemed to be shutting off his mind in preparation.

“Good boy,” Jason praised, bringing his pointer and middle fingers up to Mello’s lips, “Now you suck on these real good. The more you suck the better it’s gonna feel. You’re a bit swollen here,” Jason instructed, his other fingers spreading open the taught skin around his hole.

Mello groaned as his mouth became full of Jason’s long fingers. He grabbed his wrist with both of his hands and coated them in his mouth. It became hard to concentrate with Jason’s fist latching back around him and his heart banging on his chest. His body wanted him to be afraid.

Jason’s unkind fist knew how to bring him right up to the edge. Mello’s whines buzzed on Jason’s fingers, his voice hiking up as he reached his peak.

“Are you gonna come?”

Mello nodded, his hands batting at Jason’s. He didn’t want to do it in the car. He couldn’t handle it in the car.

Jason chuckled and slid his hand off of him, his other sliding out of Mello’s mouth.

“Turn and show me your ass,” he ordered.

Something about the command strengthened Mello’s arousal despite his hesitance. His knees wobbled as he obeyed, the moving car making it difficult to hold still as he put his head down on the seat.

Jason’s thumbs pried at his skin before he poked in his slimly fingers, quickly working to loosen him. The sting was nearly unbearable.

Mello could hear his belt buckle jingling. It was only a matter of time.

Now that he was in such a position, Mello’s body seemed to fall quicker into shock at every uncertain heave of his chest. He had gotten better at accepting sex without slipping away into silent panic, but this time it couldn’t be helped. It was all too familiar, even down to the leather car seat rubbing at his cheek as he jerked with Jason’s thrusts. He couldn’t stop himself from going numb. It didn’t smell like the man he once knew, but his other senses brought him back to a memory at the core of his troubles. One that would forever haunt him.


	7. Perversion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: homophobia, homophobic language, pedophilia (kissing), implied r*pe, & r*pe aftermath
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

FOUR YEARS AGO

Being seventeen had proven to be tough for Mello. The constant, teetering balance between having to follow rules and the desire to gain independence was a battle he fought nearly every day. He couldn’t wait to leave the group home. Or rather, he couldn’t wait to leave the group home with Matt. Being less than two months apart in age had its benefits when it came to getting pushed out into the real world at the same time. Once they were through with their last year of school, it would be time to get away.

But for now, high school started in thirty minutes.

Mello stared into his blue eyes in the mirror. He studied under a harsh microscope what Matt could see each day. He kept his hair long to his shoulders. He had grown to prefer it. Some people commented that it looked girly, but he didn’t mind the fact. It seemed like a lot of things he liked caused him to be laughed at for acting like a girl. Mello didn’t see what was so funny about being a woman, but people picked on his preferences so much that he had begun comparing himself to them. He had bigger lips than most of them at their nowhere school. So why was Matt wasting his time not noticing him?

Mello hated himself for the perverted feelings he had about Matt. There had been a turning point in their young lives where he had realized that he wanted to do things with Matt that only boys and girls did. Or at least, that’s what they had told him at the church youth program. Whatever he had shared with the bullshit volunteer who had promised to keep his secrets must have gotten back to the group home staff and he had been removed from Matt’s room over a year ago. He was all by himself in the smallest room they had. Not even a possible roommate in his future. They wanted him isolated with his horrible, disappointing thoughts. They couldn’t have him being a pervert to anyone.

It was frustrating and insulting because the last thing Mello wanted to do was hurt anyone. Especially not Matt. He tried to be good and show the adults that he didn’t have a disgusting bone in his body, but as the days grew closer to his exit from the house, he had begun to give up on that. It didn’t help that he kept getting caught sleeping in Matt’s bed. He could never find the right words to explain why it wasn’t gross that he wanted to be in there. His childhood was a swirling pool of terrifying memories, but he could still smell the crunchy, stained carpet that he would have to curl up next to Matt on.

Matt was the best thing he had in the world. Matt had saved his life.

Matt always came to his defense. He never called him perverted, but Mello had to remind himself that Matt didn’t know about the feelings he was having. That every time he saw his face, he wanted Matt to kiss him. He wanted Matt to hover over him in bed like in the movies…

The thoughts in his head threatened to spill tears down his face. He couldn’t go to school crying again. He had to accept that Matt deserved better than to love him like that.

He crept down the hall, trying not to let the obnoxious floorboards wake the younger children who still had a few hours to rest before they had to get up for school. Matt’s room was the farthest away from his on purpose.

When he reached his door he opened it quietly. The empty beds along the wall were an insult to him. They had moved Mello out but never moved anyone else in. The hole punched through the wall always brought a quiet laugh into his throat. Matt had done that the day they forced Mello out of the room. If he only knew the real reason he had been kicked out.

Naturally, Matt was still asleep. Mello needed to get him up or they would be late.

His fluffy red hair had curled up in his sleep. His freckles like tiny stars giving his face the angelic glow it always had. But Mello would never kiss him or touch him in that way. He would never. He was literally incapable of taking advantage of Matt. Didn’t they understand what a special person Matt was to him? Didn’t they remember why he was still alive?

Mello tapped Matt’s shoulder, “Hey Matty. We gotta go.” Mello blushed. He hoped Matt wasn’t awake to hear him calling him his old nickname.

It was a gift getting to watch him wake up.

This first thing Matt could see upon opening his eyes was Mello. It brought a smile to his face. He couldn’t help it. He grabbed Mello’s arms and pulled him on top of him, wrapping his arms around him in a hug and rolling around. Hearing Mello’s laugh made his cheeks blush.

Mello couldn’t stop laughing. Matt held him as if he was his teddy bear.

“Mm…Mello you’re so warm. Let’s just stay here and sleep today.”

“Matt we can’t…” Mello wanted more than anything to get some rest with Matt’s arms around him. He would finally be able to sleep.

“Why not? We can go down to the gas station store…I’ll even buy you some chocolate!”

Mello giggled at Matt’s disregard for the obvious, “Matt we’ve gotta get to school. We need to keep up our attendance so we can get out of here.” Both of them had found school less challenging once they were free from the abuse of their past, so it had become a matter of meeting the graduation requirements outside of academics to ensure their freedom. Mello was in the running for top of the class and Matt could have been a step behind him if he wasn’t so unmotivated about homework. Even so, his grades were still excellent.

“Your bribes won’t work this morning.” Mello tried to sit up, but Matt held him down, smirking in his playfulness. Mello twisted his body around to try and free himself, but he only achieved bringing his face as close as possible to Matt’s. Their eyes locked but Mello didn’t try anything. He would never try anything perverted on Matt.

Matt’s lips were supple and pink. He could be content just staring at them and imagining what they might feel like on his own.

Stomping feet approached down the hall and they flew out of Matt’s bed. Matt pulled on some jeans and stepped into his sneakers before they left his room and joined the other teenagers as they trudged down the stairs. Mello looked at Matt’s sleepy face, a hidden smile on his own. He could steal glances at him forever.

* * *

School was always so mundane. While conversation with others came naturally to Mello, he didn’t care about being anyone’s friend, especially when he was so focused on not creeping anyone out. He couldn’t have any more news getting back to the staff at home. He could only imagine where they would send him next. Maybe some place horrible. Any place would be horrible if it was away from Matt.

He meandered in the hall on his way to one of his last classes of the day. A few late entrances here and there would do little to hinder his education. There was only so much the school could do to penalize him when he always got top grades.

He was approaching the hallway full of senior lockers. A slamming door caught his attention and his head snapped to look down the wall of little doors and combination locks. There he was. He was far away but he could tell it was him.

Matt was up against the wall, his lips tangled up with some girl. Mello could feel his cheeks flush.

Mello honestly wished that she was just some girl, but in reality he knew who she was. She was Megan.

The three of them used to play together when they were little. She was the first friend they had let in as wounded kids. Now she had gone and made things horribly awkward by pursuing Matt in this way. Mello couldn’t talk to her anymore.

Matt wasn’t one to have girlfriends, though as they had gotten older, his attractive looks caused him to gain some attention from her under a whole new light. She had been so persistent, but Mello understood her feelings. The same had happened to him…

Her little hands held his face as she seemed to suck all the air from his mouth.

It wasn’t the first time Mello had seen Matt kissing her, or rather, her kissing him. This had been going on for a long time, but it never failed to remind him of the fact that he would never be in her position. He would never know what his lips tasted like. He wondered what could be so special about her that she got to find that out and he didn’t.

Megan had been too determined for Matt’s weak attempts at rejection. He would spend the whole school day with her and never mention one word of her at home. He had to know that Mello noticed them. If they were so special, wouldn’t Matt want Mello to know all about what they did together?

He couldn’t look anymore. He didn’t want to see his hands in her blonde hair. It hurt too much.

* * *

Once again, it was finally time to leave school. Every late afternoon, Mello met Matt in the same spot in the front yard to wait for the bus. Some days the staff would pick them up in their giant van and bring them to the church programs or whatever organization that wanted to pat themselves on the back for giving them free dinner, but today was just a regular, boring day.

Boring until he could see Matt’s bedhead bouncing as he ran up to him. Mello often had a sensation that he could only describe as remembering to breathe again when he looked at Matt. It warmed his heart and crushed his spirit at the same time.

“Hey Mello!” Matt leaned over as he caught his breath, “I forgot I told Megan I would go to her cheer practice! I’m sorry I didn’t remember before. I meant to come up with some excuse, but she caught me.” Matt chuckled.

Mello could tell that he was uncomfortable. He wondered if he was the source of Matt’s discomfort. They were together so much that maybe Mello was starting to become a burden on him, but Mello couldn’t help but feel selfish. It felt like Matt had stabbed him in the gut. Wasn’t kissing her while he should have been in class enough? What were they planning to do after her practice?

“Oh. Okay.” Mello gave him a weak smile, “I hope you have a good time.”

“Not too sure I will.”

The school bus hissed as it crawled up the road. Mello jumped, his eyes widening as Matt took his hands and rubbed them in his mittens.

“Your hands are gonna freeze off if you keep cutting the fingers off of your gloves!” Matt laughed, “But I’ll see you later!”

Mello nodded, his sorry grin blooming into a genuine one as he watched Matt’s coat ripple in the chilly wind. He could still smell his warmth from earlier that morning. It was amazing to him that Matt could exist in the clothes he had literally jumped out of bed in, while Mello had analyzed himself in the mirror for longer than he wanted to admit. Matt never failed to lighten his chest. Mello nodded again, to himself. He would have to try to be okay with this. He turned away, repressing the urge to scream.

“Oh, wait! Hey Mello?”

Mello stopped in his tracks, “Yeah?”

“I forgot to tell you this morning, but your hair looks really nice today!”

His words stabbed him in the back. Mello couldn’t look at him. He wouldn’t be able to hide his burning cheeks. Matt couldn’t know what kind of a sneak attack he had just played. How could he say something like that?

“…Thanks,” Mello spoke so softly he wondered if Matt could even hear him.

“It’s cold out, stay warm!” Matt called as he ran away. As he left to find Megan.

Mello’s heart raced. What had gotten into Matt? Telling him he was going to hang out with that girl and then giving him a compliment. What was he supposed to think? Had Matt caught on to the feelings he had tried so hard to hide? Was he just saying that to appease him? To make fun of him?

Mello had to tell himself that it was just Matt being friendly. Megan, apparently, was where his heart belonged.

Mello opted to skip the bus. He couldn’t be confined right now. He couldn’t risk crying in front of everyone.

Even though he had decided to walk, he wouldn’t walk back to the group home. Fuck them.

He couldn’t stop walking. The school was a speck on the horizon now. He didn’t know where he was trying to go, but he just had to get away. Maybe if he walked far away enough, the sting of rejection in his stomach could start to hurt less. He just had to understand that Matt would never like him that way. But he didn’t want to yet.

Mello stopped in his tracks as realization hit him. In a few short months, they would get to leave, but where would Matt go? They had always lived together. Before Mello could even remember, Matt was already in his life. Mello had not considered that Matt might want to live on his own once they left. Once they were free from the shackles of their childhood in the system. Or maybe he’d live with Megan. Mello shook his head.

He would have to come to terms with his denial even sooner. He would have to be apart from Matt even sooner. He would have to lose his only family.

His feet, now numb in the cold, had carried him into the city. The nightlife was bustling even for a weeknight, but his mind was elsewhere. Matt must be watching Megan by now. His eyes all over her in those short uniforms.

Even though he couldn’t have felt more alone, Mello didn’t want to cry in public. It was hard to keep it together when the urge was so powerful on his chest that he couldn’t walk anymore. He had to stop to focus on not melting into a puddle in the middle of the sidewalk.

A dark brick wall called out to him. He sat against it and let the city crawl into a chilly sunset.

Maybe Matt would have liked him more if he wasn’t so emotional. If Matt didn’t have to risk his own life to come to his rescue. Maybe there was nothing he could have done differently. Matt wasn’t a pervert like him. Matt didn’t want to kiss a boy. That was clear to him now.

He didn’t know where he was, but he found comfort in his isolation. So much comfort, that he couldn’t stop himself from letting his tears go, his shoulders shaking as he wiped his eyes on his stiff sleeves.

Once he let himself cry it was hard for him to stop. He just had to let it play out, Matt’s smile flashing across his brain like a constant reminder. There would never be anything more than a friendly joy behind that smile. Mello’s heart ached. He was in love. His body mourned for a love that could never be. A love that had kept him alive and killed him at the same time.

“Are you alright, little one?”

Mello’s head shot up, his knees tightening against his chest. A man stood over him, his tall body blocking the streetlights. It was hard to make out his face, but he could tell from his gravelly voice that he was much older.

“Are you lost?”

Mello scowled and shook his head, “No I’m fine…please go.” While Mello wasn’t sure where he was, he at least had a general sense of direction as to where he had come from.

The man crouched down in front of him.

“What are you doing crying?”

Mello looked away from him, “Not crying,” he squeaked out as he sniffled. His tears were always so ugly.

“You’re much too pretty to be crying out here. You never know what kind of men could take advantage of you, little blondie.”

Mello’s eyes shot back up to the man’s face, an incredulous look crossing over him, “I’m not some girl you know.”

“I’m aware…” the man said as he placed his hand on Mello’s knee, “Come with me…Whatever it is I’ll help you feel better. My car is nice and warm.”

Mello groaned and scooted away, the man’s long fingers falling off of him, “I’m good here, thanks.”

The man chuckled, “Then I’ll join you. You’ll come to find that it can get cold quickly with all of this cement around.” He sat down next to Mello, grunting as he stretched out his lanky legs.

It was true that with the early sunset, the ground only grew colder, but Mello couldn’t go with a stranger. He couldn’t possibly be so reckless…but who would care?

“You know, I really hate to see such a pretty face so sad.” The man wasn’t going to give up easily.

Mello put his head down in his arms. He couldn’t stop himself from sobbing. It was odd, but even with the man right next to him, he couldn’t get himself to quit it. His vulnerability was on display. It was like the man wasn’t there anymore.

“Boy you’re starting to annoy me with this. You’ll catch a cold if you keep crying like that,” the man grumbled, “Tell me about the boy who broke your heart.”

“I don’t know you! Get the fuck away from me,” Mello growled, his voice strong but muffled in his arms.

“Ouch! The little blondie is so rude!” The man scoffed, putting his long arm around Mello. He wanted to shrug it away, but he had to admit that he was freezing. The man smelled like smoke and peppermint, his body leaning into him like a sandbag. Mello kept his head tucked as his shoulders heaved. He really couldn’t stop, and he was growing weary thinking about how he would manage to get home.

“Listen little one, that’s enough,” the man spoke through the silence that had come between them.

Mello gasped as he could feel the man’s hands inching into his arms and cupping his face like a delicate prize. The cold air froze Mello’s tear-stained face.

The man had brown eyes. Brown like Matt’s.

His throat tightened as the eyes came so close to his face that he couldn’t see them anymore, thin lips mashing into his own. Mello was perplexed.

Mello’s face was so numb he could barely feel it as the man deepened his kiss, his finger hooked under Mello’s chin. Something deep in Mello’s stomach swooped. His hands pressed on the man’s chest, but he felt too weak to push him away. If he tried his fingers could snap off.

He could feel the man’s breathing shaking against his lips as he laughed, his scratchy face pulling away, “Wow look at that. Where did the tears go?”

Mello grimaced and shoved him, his strength finally coming to him now that his lips were no longer smashed onto his. He couldn’t believe what he had just done. Mello jolted up from the ground and moved to stomp away, but the man was quick behind him, his hand clamping over his upper arm.

“Let me take you home. That way you’ll get there safe.”

Mello stared at the ground, his stomach turning as he realized what he was about to do. His lips felt clammy and cold, but he had already given up. His shoes settled on the ground as he stopped resisting, his body no longer leaning away in the man’s grasp.

The man pulled him closer, carefully pressing his back against the brick wall.

“You’ve never been kissed before, huh?”

Mello couldn’t speak. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat as the cold fingers latched onto his chin again.

An instinct Mello didn’t know he had bubbled to the surface as he moved his lips against the man’s. He couldn’t stop. He was kissing him back.

His heart kept pounding but he wasn’t afraid. It was strange having someone he didn’t know be so kind to him.

The scratchy lips broke away and Mello caught his breath. The man’s thumbs wiped under his eyes.

“I’m sure you’ve been told you’ve got beautiful eyes…” His breath was hot as the man leaned in yet again. The inside of Mello’s mouth felt slimy.

“Your cheeks are so red, let’s get you home.”

Mello looked into his face properly for the first time. He could see him clearly now that tears weren’t spilling from his eyes. He was definitely much older than him, but something about that made his hesitant fondness grow. He had such a kind face.

Mello didn’t understand the urge that came over him, but he was done repressing himself. He let down his guard and latched onto the man around his middle, burying his face in his warm chest, his arms holding him tight as fresh tears spilled into his coat. The sense of security that came over him in the man’s embrace was a feeling that he had been deprived of for too long.

* * *

In what had seemed like no time at all, spring had melted the winter away, and Mello found himself eighteen years old. One milestone closer to independence. It was hard to believe that graduation was so close. It didn’t feel nearly as satisfying as he had thought it would, being so close to the end. He had even grown to not care much at all about it. It wasn’t anything exciting; it just was.

George had told him all about when he was in high school between the many kisses they shared in his black car. He had so many stories and experiences. Mello wanted to hurry up and have something he could tell him too.

Mello liked spending time with George. He was someone who was there for him. Someone who understood his feelings. Someone he trusted.

George was always so careful with him. He didn’t treat him like a child like the other adults around him, but he let him cry too. Lately though, it seemed George was needing more from Mello than he knew how to offer. His long hands had begun to feel his skin in ways that cramped his belly, but Mello was good at turning him down just before things turned heavy. Mello didn’t know much of anything about being with a man, but he knew he wanted to take things further and he wasn’t ready yet.

The last several months had been filled with so much of George that Mello could distract himself from Matt. No matter what, he couldn’t remedy the stabbing pain in his chest when he saw Matt with Megan at school. Or when he ran into him in the bathroom at home. Or when Matt tried to visit him in his bedroom. He couldn’t handle it anymore.

Mello had gotten so much practice that he knew he could kiss Matt well. He often thought about it while he was alone in his bed, but he always felt guilty afterward. It was perverted to think of Matt that way, but he knew that he could probably kiss him better than Megan could. Even so, that alone couldn’t turn Matt away from her. He couldn’t compete with a girl.

Just as she had crossed his mind, there she was, approaching him from down the hall.

He expected to just walk past her like every other time, but instead, she stepped in front of him.

“Hey.”

Mello just stared down at her. It was strange seeing her speak to him.

“I know you like him.”

Mello’s eyes widened, “What?”

“Matt…I know you like him,” Megan took a shaky breath, “But Matt’s a guy so just quit it already!”

It was like a gray cloud had suddenly cast its shadow over Mello’s head. His teeth clenched. He wanted her to walk away. He needed her to walk away before he made the mistake of saying something he shouldn’t. The last thing he wanted was for Matt to hate him. Megan didn’t know how deep her words had hurt him, or maybe she trying to provoke him?

“Did he put you up to this?” Mello could feel his throat closing in anger as he asked.

“No.”

“Then…” Mello balled his hands into fists, “What the fuck would you know about me?”

“Matt thinks you’re mad at him. But I know why you avoid him! Y-You’re a fag or something. You’re a creep!”

“Shut up!” Mello barked at her.

Bodies began spilling into the hall for class change, but they were just background noise.

“I’m right! You’re getting so pissed so I’m right! I knew it!”

“Shut _up_ you fucking bitch!”

Megan screamed at his vehement words. Mello couldn’t control himself. He wanted to push her, but he held back. It took too much will to hold back.

Mello jumped as a hand clapped on his shoulder.

“What are you doing?!” Matt’s voice hollered. Mello turned his head to look at Matt, his throat going too dry to speak, but he was surprised to find that his question had been directed at Megan.

“Matt you don’t understand!” Megan attempted to explain.

Matt was visibly annoyed, his lip curled up as he spoke, “What are you doing to him? Go away!” he demanded.

Megan huffed and stomped off. Mello was glad to see her go, but he needed to get away too. He couldn’t bear to hear what Matt had to say to him now that he’d heard him yelling at her.

But just as he moved to step off, Matt’s hand slipped down to his wrist and pulled him down the hallway toward the back door of the building.

“M-Matt!” Mello tugged his arm, but Matt’s grip was too strong, “Hey! That hurts!”

The spring air whipped through their hair as Matt jogged across the blacktop and to the back corner of the building, away from the windows.

“Matt I’m sorry!” Mello attempted, but Matt only yanked him closer.

Before he could try anything else, Matt’s arms had found their way around Mello’s waist, his fluffy head buried in his shoulder. He squeezed him so tight he could barely breathe, but Mello found comfort in the warmth that made his heart flutter.

“Matt…” Mello slowly brought his arms up to hug Matt’s back, “What’s wrong?”

Matt’s head nuzzled into Mello’s neck. He loved the way Mello smelled. It had been too long since he got to be this close to him.

“Hey, I can’t breathe,” Mello squeaked.

“Sorry,” Matt mumbled, loosening his grip.

Mello smiled. It was safe to let it show when Matt couldn’t see his face. Feeling Matt so close to him never failed to remind him of their childhood. Matt had been so clingy then, worried that something horrible could happen to Mello if he let go even for a moment. It was burden he was sorry that Matt had to carry.

“You don’t have to protect me like that anymore…She’s your girlfriend, right?”

“What?” Matt finally let him go, his feet stumbling backward as he gave Mello some space, “No! No way!”

Mello shook his head, his brow furrowing in annoyance, “But you kiss her all the time!”

“I broke up with her!” Matt’s breath trembled in his lungs, “I should have a long time ago.”

“So she _was_ your girlfriend.”

Even with it being in the past, it still hurt Mello to know that their status had been official. Matt had been able to show himself in public kissing someone he liked, and Mello was hiding in a car with a grown man.

“Honestly, I can’t remember when that happened. It just happened and I didn’t really have a say. I just didn’t want to upset her for the longest time, but…”

“But what?” Mello wanted to cross his arms over his chest, but he didn’t want Matt to see how upset he really was at his foolishness. He was either a fool for stringing her along or cruel for lying to Mello’s face about his real feelings for her.

“She started saying horrible things…about you.”

Mello looked down. Megan’s insulting words echoed in his head. Matt had to know how he really felt about him. She had ruined everything.

“Like what?” Mello asked, his bangs like a veil over his eyes.

“It doesn’t matter now. I’d rather not talk about it.” The last thing Matt wanted to do was discuss her horrible words with Mello. He cared about him too much to upset him more with the hateful things she had said in her efforts to distance him from Mello.

Mello sighed. Matt didn’t want to think about his perverted feelings. It was clear now that how he felt really was disturbing to him.

“I know I’m a creep.” Mello spoke quietly. He couldn’t look in Matt’s eyes. He didn’t want to see any kind of affirmation in them.

“What?” Matt asked, taking Mello’s hands in his own, “You’re not a creep, Mello.”

Mello looked down at his hands. Matt had begun tracing over his skinny fingers. He was so gentle with him. He was good at hiding his disgust.

“Are you sure it’s over with her?” Mello asked. Now that the truth was out, he could at least ask him what he needed to know before he would leave Matt alone for good.

“Yeah. For sure.”

“I think you’re lying. I’ve seen you with her.”

Matt smiled. If only Mello knew where he felt his heart really belonged. He would need to work up the courage and show him as soon as he could.

“…I’m sorry,” Matt whispered, pulling Mello into a hug once again. He couldn’t find any more words to say how sorry he was that he didn’t show Mello how much he loved him sooner.

* * *

Mello had expected Matt to keep his distance from him, but in the next few days that passed, he couldn’t shake him. He was attached to him at the hip, constantly walking him around the school and giving him that glowing smile. Mello wanted him to hurry up and fix things with Megan. He couldn’t keep getting his hopes up each day. He couldn’t keep spiraling in his head, overanalyzing Matt’s every move. He was tired of it.

“Hey Mello!” Matt called from across the lawn, the grass crunching under his sneakers as he pounded his way over to him. Mello couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey, you wanna sleep over in my room tonight?”

Mello knew why he was asking. Most of the staff at home were going to be gone for some conference, so there was a good chance they could get away with it. Maybe Matt was finally going to let him off easy now that they could get a moment to be alone.

“Okay,” Mello agreed.

Matt could only return his smile. His hesitation to say anything had been born out of his happiness.

The bus moaned up the street like always. Mello’s stomach flipped as Matt took his hand. He looked away as he allowed himself to hold Matt’s hand back. He could imagine for this brief moment that Matt was his.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Matt spoke kindly, “If anyone says anything I’ll beat the shit out of them.”

Mello giggled, his eyes flashing to Matt’s.

“No I’m serious! No hesitation!” Matt announced, punching his fists into the air. Mello laughed, his shoulder jerking around as Matt played. The bus couldn’t open the doors sooner. They needed to climb on the bus before Mello couldn’t stop himself. He wanted to kiss Matt square on the lips in front of everyone.

“You know I always thought it was so lame that we can’t drive ourselves!” Matt whined as he pulled Mello into a seat, “I could see us in a cool red sports car, don’t you think? Something vintage.”

“Keep dreaming,” Mello cooed, resting his head on Matt’s shoulder. It was nice to bask in the natural intimacy they had once shared every day.

“I’ll make it happen just you wait.” Matt promised, his lips getting dangerously close to Mello’s head. He could feel his silky hair on his chin…

Mello couldn’t conceal the groan that trailed from his lips as they stepped off the bus. George’s car was up the sidewalk, parked at his usual spot waiting for him.

“There’s that car again!” Matt shouted, his hand still latched on to Mello’s.

Mello would have to try and avoid George. He hoped that he wouldn’t be disappointed with him. He just needed to be with Matt for tonight.

But as they walked passed, Mello couldn’t ignore George’s voice as he called out to him, “Mihael!”

Matt was shocked. He couldn’t believe the car that had been showing up at the house had been for Mello. He hated himself for not realizing it sooner. He hated himself for being so caught up with Megan for so long.

Mello broke away from Matt’s grip, his stomach turning as he walked up to George’s window, the smell of cigarettes attacking his nose.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I can’t go tonight.”

“What?” George scowled playfully. “You’re avoiding me little one!” he yelled through a smile on his teeth. “How will you make it up to me?”

“I…” Mello couldn’t promise him anything. He couldn’t trap himself in something he wasn’t prepared to do.

“You know I told you I’ll be gentle—”

“Shut up!” Mello cried out suddenly, shame immediately washing over him at the unfamiliar look in George’s eyes. He was definitely angry.

“Everything alright?” Matt asked, suddenly appearing behind Mello.

“Y-Yeah,” Mello stumbled. “This is just a friend.”

“Nice to meet you,” George purred. “Wow you’ve got pretty hair too! What’s with the kids from this place?”

“Please go,” Mello begged George, pushing Matt toward the house.

“You’ll have to make it up to me!” George cried out as he pulled away. Mello didn’t know how he would avoid it anymore now that George had this excuse to hold over his head. He had been asking him for months and now he had a reason to make him do it. He couldn’t think about it now though. Now he had to focus on what Matt wanted to tell him.

“Who is that guy?” Matt asked, holding open the door as they shuffled inside.

“I told you he’s just a friend.”

“You have a friend that’s like fifty years old? Since when?”

“Matt, he’s _just_ a friend! And he’s in his forties!”

Matt rolled his eyes as they stomped up the staircase. What had Mello gotten himself into? He wanted to help him out of it, but there was only so much he could do if Mello wasn’t going to tell him anything. Right now he had to focus on what he needed to say to him. Maybe getting his words out in the open would help the situation.

His eyes shot up to Mello’s tight jeans as he walked behind him. He had always liked the way they looked.

Matt let Mello lead the way to his bedroom. For years it had been _their_ room. Their safe place to live together. Just like with many other challenges they had in their lives, they just had to keep on making the best of it when people took things from them.

Matt collapsed onto his bed. “So tired!” he yawned, stretching his arms and legs.

Mello smiled down at him, “You’re like puppy.”

“C’mere,” Matt mumbled, pulling Mello into the bed with him, his arms holding him to his chest.

Mello’s lungs expanded to an extent that he didn’t notice he hadn’t been reaching. The calm that came over him from being able to lay with Matt this way could have made him fall asleep.

“You okay?” Matt asked softly, his fingers stroking through Mello’s hair.

If Matt was going to break his heart, why did he have to be so sweet to him first?

“…Yeah.” Mello turned his head and adjusted his ear to hear Matt’s heart. It had been treating him so kind lately, not giving Matt much trouble at all. It beat with Matt’s youthful spirit. The sound soothed him.

They basked in the warm embrace, just breathing with each other. There was something deeply comforting in the peace they could feel. They could have stayed that way for hours, but Matt’s fingers itched to touch Mello. He couldn’t stop himself anymore.

Matt bit his lip as he began tickling Mello’s sides. Mello found himself so shocked that he could only laugh. Laughing was the only way he could breathe as Matt rolled over and mounted him, his relentless fingers dancing on his sides and digging into his armpits.

 _“Matt!”_ Mello cried out, wiggling his body in order to flip over. But his plan had backfired, as laying on his stomach only gave Matt easier access to his tender hips. His limbs fought aimlessly against Matt’s arms.

 _“Please! Please!”_ Mello’s stomach felt strained from laughter, “I’m gonna puke!”

“S-Sorry I couldn’t resist!” Matt admitted, his fingers slowing down.

Mello winced in anticipation as Matt’s hands grabbed hold of him again, but instead of tickling him, he turned him back over.

Matt could feel his heart banging in his chest. Mello looked so pretty. His blue eyes sparkled with little tears as he stared up at him, his face flushed from laughing, his chest heaving as he caught his breath. Matt’s timid hands slipped up to hold his cheeks. He brought his head down to Mello’s, as close as he could get it.

Mello could see right into Matt’s eyes. Shining with joy and swirling like dark honey.

The moment had finally come. Matt pressed his lips to Mello’s, his eyes closing as he felt him moving back against him. It made his stomach dip.

Mello felt ignited as he kissed Matt. It was a feeling he never had before. It felt like his heart was going to burst. But he couldn’t possibly be…

Mello sprung up and dashed to the furthest corner of the room. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he cried out.

“Mello! What’s wrong?” Matt stepped carefully toward him. He didn’t understand Mello’s reaction. Maybe he had moved too quickly.

“I’m sorry, Matt.” Mello looked at the carpet. “I’m a pervert…”

Matt latched his hands onto Mello’s arms, his grip causing Mello to shake as he spoke, “No! No you’re not!” A passionate darkness washed over Matt’s face, “Someone says that to you, you just don’t fucking listen to them! You’re no pervert! You’re…”

Mello stared at him incredulously. This wasn’t the reaction everyone had told him Matt would have.

Matt felt so nervous his head became light. “I…I think you’re beautiful, Mello.”

Mello jumped, his body instinctively trying to pull away, but Matt wouldn’t let him.

“No no! No you’re just saying that!” Mello turned around as he tried to get away, but Matt squeezed him from behind.

“I love you, Mello.”

Mello let out an exasperated laugh, _“No!_ You just think that because we’ve been together so long!” Matt couldn’t love him. There was no way. Mello had been telling himself for too long that he would have to let Matt go. That his own love was one sided.

“I love you,” Matt said again.

“You can’t love me,” Mello whispered, his cold tears from Matt’s tickles warming up into fresh ones. Despite his insistence, Mello couldn’t stop himself from turning around and wrapping his arms around Matt, “You can’t.”

A troubled smile came over Matt’s face as he took Mello’s chin and kissed him again. Shaky air rushed out of Mello’s nose, but he didn’t pull away. Matt’s lips were so big and soft. Even better than he had imagined. He could kiss them all day if he allowed himself.

Mello’s hands gripped the back of Matt’s shirt. He felt like falling over. His pounding heart had made his knees weak. It felt so right.

Mello turned his head away for a brief moment, his throat tightening in anticipation of his words, “Matt…you’re beautiful, too.”

Matt’s heart threatened to leap out of his chest as he smashed his mouth back on to Mello’s, his arms holding him tight against his body.

“It feels so good to kiss you, Mello. That’s how I know.”

Matt had waited too long to do this with Mello. He should have worked up the courage and figured things out sooner, but at least now he could treasure him. At least now he could know what an amazing feeling it was to finally give in.

A tightness began to grow in the pit of Mello’s belly. His breath hitched as he buried his head in Matt’s neck, “Matt if we don’t stop I’m gonna…” he spoke as he panted.

An exhausted chuckle escaped from Matt’s mouth, “Yeah me too.” His soft hands held Mello’s face. He wanted to see him. He wanted to see what this was doing to him, “I’m sorry it took me so long…You’re so cute like this.”

Mello pounded his fists on Matt’s chest, “You can’t say things like that!”

Matt laughed as he titled Mello’s head back up again, “One more time, okay?”

Mello nodded, his eyelids growing heavy as he met Matt’s reddened lips once more. A profound, bright warmth pumped through his veins. He could feel happiness.

* * *

He should have told Matt.

Mello still couldn’t feel his legs. They had felt like lead ever since George dropped him off two days ago now.

He was buried in his bed. While being on his stomach comforted him, he couldn’t help but feel exposed in the position even when he was under his blankets. His face stung where it had rubbed against the leather on George’s backseat.

He should have told Matt about George.

Mello had tried to keep ignoring his car, especially after what Matt had confessed to him, but he just couldn’t keep away from it anymore. He even found himself feeling guilty for making George wait for so long. For avoiding him.

When they had parked in their usual spot under the bridge and George told him to get into the back, he didn’t expect him to be pleasant, but he could have never predicted his sudden aggression. It made sense now. His unstable and questionable mannerisms must have been concealing his true intentions all along. He had been holding back from taking advantage of him this whole time. The image of his kind face burned behind his tired eyes. They were so in need of sleep that he wouldn’t allow himself to fall into. He was too scared. He couldn’t even get up to clean himself.

It had all been a façade. It had to have been the way George had hurt him. And he still had the nerve to tell him he couldn’t wait to see him again.

He had never been exactly sure what George had been wanting from him. He could have asked, but he had been too embarrassed. Now the pain pierced him at every move of his legs. This couldn’t be the way it was supposed to feel. George had done something wrong.

Tears welled into his eyes. The fear was still there. It had happened too suddenly that he wasn’t able to feel afraid in the moment. It was all coming to him after the fact in unexpected spurts. He could smell it still. Leather, mold, smoke. George’s peppermints.

He had never felt so full of fatigue. He winced as he placed his hand on the back of his head. It was still so tender. George had always complimented his hair, so why did he pull on it like a monster?

The worst, most confusing part was that George didn’t seem to know that Mello didn’t enjoy it. Maybe Mello wasn’t supposed to. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he liked that he had hurt him. It felt strange that George seemed to expect to keep on seeing him. That this wouldn’t keep Mello away from him. Maybe it really wasn’t so bad, and Mello was overreacting. He tried to convince himself that it was okay, but it was challenging when he couldn’t even walk without grabbing at the wall.

Matt had come in several times to check on him. Mello had insisted that he was horribly sick. He had told Matt not to get too close so he wouldn’t catch his cold. His plan had worked for the staff, but he could tell that Matt knew something else had to be wrong. It was always hard to hide his pain from Matt, especially when it was physical.

Matt had been so sweet to him in the last few weeks. He had tried valiantly to get answers out of him about the man in the black car, but Mello didn’t know where to begin. Matt had told him that he loved him. The one thing in the world Mello had wanted. The one thing he thought he would never hear. Letting Matt in on the details of his relationship with George could have turned Matt away from him and he didn’t want to risk that.

But now that this had happened, all he wanted was Matt. He couldn’t keep him out any longer. He wanted Matt to know what happened to him. He didn’t expect Matt to fix it, he just didn’t want to take it on all alone anymore. He had no one else he could turn to. He couldn’t even find the courage on his own to get out of bed let alone do anything about it.

Just like every other day, he knew Matt would come and check on him. He had been going back and forth in his head as he waited for Matt to come home, but now he knew he had to tell him soon or he would keep it from him forever. He didn’t want to keep this from the person he loved, but he didn’t want Matt to be hurt by it either.

His door suddenly creaked open. The anticipation that it could be Matt made his chest flutter, but it was another familiar voice instead.

“What are you still doing in bed, young man?”

It was one of the older women who worked at the house.

“Not feeling good.” Mello didn’t even care to look at her. He stayed exactly how he was, concealed beneath the covers.

“Have you even bathed? What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m fine. Just sick.”

“Get up and get in the bath. That’s enough of this from you,” she tugged on his blanket, but he held it tight. He couldn’t stop her from revealing his face. He could only imagine how horrible he looked.

She scoffed, “Always so dramatic, Mihael!”

“Hey! What’s going on?”

Mello perked his head up, it was finally Matt.

“Oh no no no _you_ can’t be in here,” she admonished. Mello could see her pushing him back out of the room, but Matt stood his ground.

“I’m fine in here,” he spoke in a serious tone. He was going to be the one to figure out what was wrong with Mello even if it got him in trouble.

“You need to leave!” she ordered.

“No I’ve got this. I’ll help him.”

“I told you to leave, Matthew!”

“You can’t make me do anything anymore!” Matt spoke back to her as he stepped further into the room. She could only grumble at his words, it was clear that she was surprised by what he had said.

“Please go,” Mello croaked out, “Please, I want Matt.”

“What happened to you, Mihael?” she implored, genuine concern in her eyes. But it was way too late for Mello to ever trust her. He hated her for isolating him and telling him the way he felt about boys was wrong.

“I said I want Matt. Go away,” Mello spoke up, his tone of voice dark and hostile.

She finally gave up, slamming the door as she left.

“Can you lock it?” Mello asked Matt as he struggled to sit up.

Matt nodded and clicked the lock on the doorknob. He shrugged off his backpack and stepped out of his shoes as he moved to sit on the bed.

Matt could tell by the look on Mello’s face that he wasn’t going to say anything first. Mello looked like a ghost of himself. He was sunken and drained of all color.

“Mello…I know you went with that man. What did he do to you? You can tell me anything.” Matt spoke kindly.

Mello didn’t reject him or his words like he had been for the last few days. Matt took this as a sign that he wasn’t going to refuse his help anymore. Matt scooted closer to him, a dark mark around Mello’s neck catching his eye. His timid hand swept Mello’s hair off of his shoulders. Purple markings stained his neck and collarbone. Matt’s eyes widened as shock set in. He had a feeling it was going to be bad, but his worst nightmare was being confirmed.

Matching bruises lined his small wrists. A deep sigh rushed out of Matt’s nose as he carefully took one of Mello’s arms. It was like someone had been holding him down with all of their strength. The more he studied them the more he could see exactly where the man’s hands were positioned as he attacked him.

Mello watched Matt’s expression as he examined him, his heart beginning to race. It was clear he was hurt by what he could see. He felt guilty for revealing the truth, but he didn’t know what else to do.

Mello’s cold hands shook as he took Matt’s and placed them over his pants.

“Mello?” Matt looked into his eyes. They pierced through to him, pleading for help, “What does this mean? What did he do?”

Mello couldn’t open his mouth to speak. He just let tears fall down his cheeks as he hooked one of Matt’s fingers under his waistband.

“Can I look?”

Mello looked away. His tears were slipping down his neck as he squeezed his eyes shut. He trusted Matt, but he was still so ashamed.

“…It’s disgusting…I know it…” Mello whispered. He couldn’t look at Matt. Seeing his face would make him lose it. It was hard to resist breaking away from him to sob into his bed.

Matt’s gut felt ripped to shreds. He wrapped his arms around Mello’s shoulders, holding him to his chest tenderly, “You’re not disgusting. He is…You’re not disgusting…” Mello’s body was so cold.

Being so close to Matt made it easier to cry. Mello’s lungs heaved as he drenched Matt’s shirt.

“It hurts,” Mello spoke as he cried. Matt couldn’t stop his blood from boiling. He felt helpless not being able to make Mello feel better.

“I’m so sorry Mello.” Matt spoke into his hair, “I’m here okay?”

Mello sniffled as he moved to use his sore wrist to wipe his eyes, but Matt intercepted his hand and used his own to clean his face.

Matt almost began to rock him, but he feared that any movement could cause him more pain.

“I won’t look long. I just need to see what he did so I can help, okay?”

Mello nodded his head. He was a complete shell of himself. Crying had exhausted him even more.

Matt cradled Mello’s body and lifted him gently in order to lay him on the bed. As he moved the sheets out of his way he couldn’t deny the flash of red he saw on one of them. His mind spiraled but he wouldn’t let Mello know he was scared.

Mello covered his face with his arms as he could feel Matt’s careful fingers slipping down his pants. His hips were just as bruised as his wrists. It felt like a fist was squeezing Matt’s heart.

Matt placed Mello’s pants off to the side and moved to his underwear. He gasped as Mello’s hands slapped over his own. His eyes flashed up to Mello’s, his drowned blue eyes full of fear.

Matt didn’t know what to say to him anymore. There was only so much he could say to try and reassure him. He could only look at him and how broken he was. He wanted to kill that man. He thought for a moment how easily he could do it if he tried.

“I’m gonna look now,” Matt spoke quietly. Mello’s frightened hands loosened on his wrists as he slipped his underwear down.

Mello winced as Matt took him under his knees and opened his legs.

Matt did his best to hide any kind of reaction, but he was enraged by what he could see. How could someone be so cruel? How could he let someone be so cruel to Mello? He had never seen this part of his body. He was so beautiful and slender, his creamy skin pulled tight to his bones. Someone evil had tarnished him.

Matt blamed himself. He couldn’t forgive himself for not pushing Mello further about who he was going with. He had vowed to himself that he would protect Mello. While he never thought Mello would surround himself in such company, he should have tried harder to find out what he had been up to.

Matt laid Mello’s legs straight on the bed and began wrapping him up in his sheet. He pulled Mello up and held him again. He wouldn’t let go for awhile.

“I’ll take care of it.”

Matt’s voice had never sounded so serious. Mello could hear Matt’s heart beating. It was loud and angry under his skin.

“It’s okay,” Mello spoke distantly.

“No. You listen to me. That will never happen again. I will never let that happen again,” Matt promised, his own eyes threatening to cry, “You’re safe now.”

Mello couldn’t deny the feeling of security he got hearing Matt’s words. Matt was like a lifeline as his body slumped against his. He did feel safe. He finally let the feeling consume him and he began to calm down for the first time since he had stepped into George’s car.


	8. Devastation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: alcohol consumption, drunk behavior, sexual assault, unwanted/coercive touching, explicit sexual content, homophobic language, minor character death, & drug usage
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.

The shower was comforting on his heavy bones.

For once, Mello had woken up with the sunlight. He had been too exhausted to clean himself after Jason had dropped him off the night before. He could only do what he could with a wet cloth before collapsing into bed. Matt had been gone, most likely smoking somewhere, so he wasn’t motivated to wash the smell of the other man off of his skin.

He’d left the bed as soon as he woke up, afraid that his mind would imprison him beneath the covers again. Matt had looked so peaceful in rest. It was strange that the first time he had seen him had been while he was asleep. The space between them in bed had been as far as it could have been, and Mello wondered if Matt had held him at all.

Mello shut the faucet off and squeezed the water out of his hair. It was so long now. He could really see the length in the mirror now that it was wet. He almost thought he looked pretty.

He didn’t bother finding clothes to put on with his skin so wet. He slipped a pair of briefs on and wrapped his towel around his shoulders before stepping out of the bathroom and immediately slamming the door shut again. He could see someone else in the apartment standing next to Matt. One of Matt’s customers. What was he thinking?

His chest heaved as he recovered from being so startled. The stranger had definitely seen him.

It wasn’t long before a soft knocking sounded at the door, “Sorry Mello, he’s gone now.”

Mello shook his head and sighed. He waited a few more minutes before stepping out once again.

Matt was glued to the couch playing a video game. Mello couldn’t stop his eyes from rolling.

“So, they’re coming to the door now?” he asked.

“They’ve been coming for a while now you just wouldn’t know.” Matt shocked himself at his tone. He paused his game and turned to look at Mello. “I’m sorry that was rude.”

Mello gave him a weak smile, “Don’t be sorry.” He couldn’t blame Matt for being angry that he was gone. It was nice to catch a glimpse at his feelings, even if it made him sad.

“It’s your work…you bring home a lot…I shouldn’t say things like that.”

Mello looked down. Matt was being too hard on himself. He didn’t even know what a liar he was.

“Would you come here?” Matt was sick of the space between them. He had missed him.

“That’s okay.” Mello smiled at the floor.

“Come here, Mello,” Matt pleaded, his arms stretching out, “Come on you look so cold…Please?”

Mello gave in and stepped closer to the couch. He was glad to know that there was still a glimmer left of the childish Matt he had fallen in love with.

Matt’s goofiness seemed to fade once Mello sat on top of him. He turned Mello’s body so he could hold him against his chest. There were so many things Matt felt he needed to ask, that he needed to control about Mello’s life, but just holding him after being apart for so many days was enough for him. He was still working at accepting the fact that he couldn’t keep Mello from leaving, or seeing other people for his work.

“You’ve been smoking a lot…It’s on your clothes more,” Mello spoke quietly, a powerful calmness washing over him in Matt’s arms. He loved the smell on him, but he didn’t love thinking about what the smoke could be doing to his body.

“Yeah…just can’t help it. I get worried and it keeps me calm.”

“I’m sorry,” Mello said into Matt’s neck. He wanted to tell Matt that he had nothing to worry about, but he couldn’t even convince himself that that was true. Not with the secret he was keeping. Not when he had spent countless days with the man Matt had rescued him from.

“Don’t be sorry…” Matt smiled, working the towel through Mello’s thick hair, “Just tell me I’m overreacting.”

Mello closed his eyes, his body melting under Matt’s gentle hands. He preferred this so much more than Jason’s iron grips and tugs, but he knew he didn’t deserve Matt’s tenderness. Even this simple interaction was flooding guilt into his head. He needed to reassure Matt. He couldn’t have him stewing in this even when he wasn’t home. If he told him now, would Matt push him away or squeeze him tighter? He tried to form words, but they wouldn’t come. He couldn’t get out of this without hurting Matt beyond repair when so much damage had already been done.

As Mello fought with himself, Matt remained patient. He knew he would have to be content even if Mello never answered him. He would have to keep being strong.

“It’s…it’s just the same man every time. He has sex with me and buys me things I don’t need and then when he’s done he takes me home. That’s all it is…”

“He’s not hurting you?” Matt asked, his quiet breathing becoming labored as he ran his fingers through Mello’s damp hair, his nails grazing over his naked back. It was nice to see Mello’s skin. His creamy complexion was only purpled by small bruises at his hips. Bruises he hadn’t left on him. Matt felt queasy but he didn’t dare let Mello know.

“No…I promise.” Mello found comfort in the fact that his words were the truth. While Jason could be an abrasive man, he didn’t consider him to be hurting him.

“As long as he’s kind to you that’s all I can hope for…You’re so beautiful. Creeps out there won’t control themselves…Like that guy months ago…My mind just goes all over the place, you know.”

Mello squeezed Matt around his middle, his head buried against his chest. He wanted to cry, but he held it in. He couldn’t cry now, or Matt would know there was more. He couldn’t worry him more.

Matt wondered why it seemed like Mello was going to cry. He could only stroke his fingers down his spine, “I really want to kiss you,” he whispered.

Mello sighed and sat up. Matt smirked as he brought his head closer. Mello knew he was going for his neck. He closed his eyes as he turned his head away. Matt’s tongue was warm on his fresh skin.

Matt took Mello’s hips and sat him up, his tongue trailing down to his nipple.

Mello squeaked as Matt sucked at him, his hand pinching him on the other side.

“Th-this isn’t kissing,” Mello whimpered, his thighs tightening at Matt’s touches.

“My bad,” Matt spoke through a laugh, his thumbs continued playing with his chest as he met Mello’s lips for a wet kiss. Mello couldn’t stop the smile that came to his face as he kissed him back. Kissing Matt always felt so good.

Matt grinned at the look on Mello’s face. He looked so rosy and full of life. He was gorgeous.

* * *

Mello couldn’t begin to guess what time it was, but he knew it had to be deep into the night the way Jason’s huge windows appeared to shield them from nothing but complete darkness; the late autumn storm thrashing against the walls, thunder booming like an omen.

Complimenting the current hour and weather conditions, Jason’s typically neatly kept home was tossed about as a result of his friends, or at least who he referred to as his friends, who had made themselves at home for a night of heavy drinking and distasteful conversation. It was clear that most of them were so far gone they were beside themselves.

Mello sat on Jason’s lap, his large body warm with the stench of cologne and alcohol. He couldn’t help but rest his head against him in an attempt to at least pretend to find comfort in the situation. Sitting on Jason was like being separated from the rest of what was going on, and he wanted to block it out as much as he could. The loud laughter, the foul words, the spilling drinks.

Jason’s hands had wandered his body, but he was otherwise surprisingly tame with Mello being so close. Perhaps even in his drunken state, he really was working at controlling himself. Mello had to admit that he was in the slightest bit impressed.

His spine chilled as Mello couldn’t help but notice one of Jason’s guests staring at him with a threatening look in his clouded eyes. Every time his eyes worked up the courage to look around the room, there he was, completely creeping him out. He grabbed onto Jason shirt; his throat dry from his lack of talking. He knew that Jason rarely talked to him in the company of others. While he could interpret it as disrespect, he also was beginning to understand that Jason seemed to value their alone time over any gathering throughout the day. He often reserved his most tender words for just the two of them.

Mello’s ignorant bliss crumbled as his ears couldn’t help but pick out that the man with the scary eyes was talking about him.

“What’s he doing here anyway? What makes little pretty boy any different from the girls? Make em get up and fill our drinks!”

Mello stiffened where he sat on Jason, his discomfort only made worse when he could feel Jason’s fingers pinching at his hip, pushing him to stand up, “That’s fine. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

Mello felt isolated now that he was no longer attached to Jason, his worry coming on in waves. He clung to Jason’s arm as he got up with him, his large hand on his lower back shoving him lightly in the direction of the cluster of bottles on the counter.

“But no wait!” Jason’s friend shouted, a maniacal grin on his face, “No the girls are always in next to nothin’ at these things, take your clothes off, boy,” he ordered, sitting up and downing the last of the drink in his glass.

Mello’s imploring eyes flashed to Jason, his expression pleading for him to shut this down, but Jason only nodded his head.

“I…” Mello stumbled.

“Now,” Jason decided.

Jason’s friends roared, the room erupting in whistles and laughter. Mello felt exposed with all of their eyes on him and no one to protect him. Jason had betrayed him. He couldn’t move.

Jason’s body was suddenly right against him, his hands pulling at his clothes, taking them off and letting them fall to the floor.

Mello grabbed Jason’s wrist, “I’m sorry, please I can’t.”

Jason turned him around. “Get to it,” he directed distantly, his hand patting his bottom as he shuffled back to his seat. Mello was shocked that he was surprised to see Jason acting so cold, but it really wasn’t like him to display him like this. He wondered what stories he had told his friends about their unique relationship. It seemed painfully obvious to Mello that there was a harsh persona he was desperately trying to keep up.

His muscles felt rigid in the cold room as he served the men. He wouldn’t look at any of their faces. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

His heart pounded as he approached the man who had been the one to suggest this humiliating display, his stomach cramping in fear as he poured alcohol into his glass.

The man smirked and pulled at the waistband of Mello’s underwear. Mello gasped and nearly fell over their careless piles of shoes and briefcases. He didn’t bother looking at Jason. He knew he wouldn’t do anything about it.

As the night crept on and on, Mello found himself being painfully ignored. To make matters worse, it seemed that the weather was trapping the men in Jason’s home for some time to come.

His feet felt frozen on the kitchen floor as he watched Jason chuckle and drink, a scowl on his tired face as he sent all of the hateful energy that tightened his chest in the direction of the man who was supposed to be taking care of him. Who had claimed that he would take care of him. Even with the hate that pulsed through his chilled veins, he just wanted to sit on him again. He just wanted to play as his lap boy who didn’t have to think for himself. How could Jason let him be so humiliated in front of all of these strangers?

As the bottles emptied, the requests for drinks died down. Even so, Mello wasn’t sure of his place anymore. He was made out to be a servant, so surely it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to rejoin them on the couch. He didn’t want their eyes on him anymore either. He didn’t want questions about his back. It had been enough that he had to tell Jason about it. It had brought him back to a time he could barely remember, but in the same breath he had felt completely foolish pretending like Jason didn’t remind him of the man who had broken his tiny body…

Mello sighed and snuck away to the hallway behind the staircase where he knew an office to be. It at least had a couch where he could sleep while he waited for everyone to leave. He repressed the urge he had to call Matt. It would do nothing but worry him more. No news was good news. And he didn’t have the energy to go looking for wherever Jason kept his cellphone. 

Mello settled his cold body on the couch and put his head in his hands. He wanted to cry but he held it in. He tried to be strong, though strength was something he believed he was never good at keeping.

“So this is where you snuck off to…” Jason’s menacing friend spoke in a low, threatening voice. His drunken state had pulled a huge grin onto his face.

Mello jolted up, his muscles tensing as his body went into panic. Before he could think of what to do he was suddenly right in front of him.

The man charged at him and pushed him deep into the couch, holding his wrists behind his back painfully tight, “Don’t you worry, you’ll love taking my dick.”

Mello writhed under him, the man’s brawn was similar to Jason’s as he held him down, shoving his underwear away, and pressing his head into the couch. The familiar distress numbed his body, but his rage kept his brain awake.

But Mello was fed up. He couldn’t let this man degrade him anymore. He couldn’t let him take any more from him. He nearly twisted his wrist in the man’s grip as he freed himself, his fingers clawing at a decorative book on the table next to the couch.

The man’s arm hooked around his chest, but it didn’t stop him from grabbing at the book, it’s weight nearly causing it to slip through his fingers. Mello flipped under him and smashed the book into the man’s head, aiming the corner at one of his disgusting eyes.

“Fuck!” the man cried out, stumbling back and clapping his hands over his forehead, “Fuck look what you did!”

The door slammed open and to Mello’s relief, Jason stood there, a hint of what Mello thought could be anger glinting in his eye, but he didn’t act on it. Mello’s hands shook as he dropped the book to the floor and pulled his underwear back up. He wanted to run to Jason’s side, but he stayed put.

“My friend, what is going on in here?” Jason asked calmly. It seemed like only Mello could tell that he was upset by what he had walked in on.

Jason’s friend let out an exasperated laugh, “The little pretty boy hit me! Look at this shit!” The man pointed to his head where blood was trickling down from his temple, “He’s amazing!”

Jason’s eyes flashed to Mello as if they were scanning his body. Could he be angry at him? Or was he disgusted by the circumstances that led up to Mello defending himself?

“What are you gonna do about it, Jason?! _Huh?_ ” The man stomped up and got in Jason’s face almost playfully, “You do something now or I will!” he threatened, though there didn’t seem to be much weight behind his challenge.

Jason moved swiftly over to Mello and grabbed his arm, tugging at his body roughly to pull him closer. Jason did not take one moment more to hesitate before his hand slapped across Mello’s face. Shock consumed him as the sharp sting set in. If it was all an act, why did he have to hit him so hard?

Mello sank to the floor, the man’s laughter the only sound in the room.

Jason cleared his throat, “What comes next is just between us. Please excuse yourself!”

“Damnit, I don’t get to see!” the man cried out, scrambling to the door. “You’re mean mean _mean!_ ” he shouted, slamming the door as he stomped out.

Mello couldn’t hold back anymore. He couldn’t stop himself from sobbing, his crying becoming loud until it was muffled against Jason’s shoulder. He had been pulled into an embrace by the same man who had just hit him. He felt so broken and small, but he could finally feel warm too. He wanted to pound his fists on Jason’s chest, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to hurt him.

“Forgive me…Please forgive me, Mihael…”

Jason let Mello’s body lay on the floor, his large chest over him like a canopy, his head tucked into Mello’s neck, “This is my fault…I’m afraid I don’t surround myself with good company…I shouldn’t have let you around them.”

“It hurts,” Mello whispered, his voice cracking.

Jason reeked of whiskey as his head nuzzled into Mello’s cheek, his warm, wet lips kissing and sucking over his face where he had slapped him. He was like a beast hovering over him and licking his wounds. Mello struggled to breath though his trembling lungs.

“Where did he touch you?” Jason abruptly whispered, his tone dark, “…Here?”

 _“Jason,”_ Mello closed his eyes and whimpered. Jason’s drunken, clammy hand had found its way in between his tingling legs, “Don’t.”

“I’ll make it up to you…right now,” Jason slipped down Mello’s briefs and opened his own pants, “…Been looking at you all night. Can’t wait anymore. Even with the current circumstances, I’m at my limit when it comes to you. I’m sorry.”

Mello had never felt more used. His brain reeled as it tried to make sense of what he had just been through, but it was hard to focus with Jason’s dominating presence drastically shifting the situation.

 _“Mm,”_ Mello hummed in agony, his head turning as he gripped Jason’s shirt, long, sloppy fingers prodding inside of him. “I’ll…” he began, trying to catch his breath. He was blinded by tears. “I’ll run away. Y-You’re horrible. You make me want to run away,” Mello groaned through his quiet sobs, Jason’s hand making his legs melt open on the floor. He couldn’t tell if he had worked him past the point of discomfort or if he was so strained that he just couldn’t feel anything anymore.

“But you won’t,” Jason supplied, his lips sucking at him behind his ear, “I won’t let you.”

Mello’s breath hitched as his nails dug into Jason’s back. Jason’s size never ceased to be too much at first. He didn’t want the pain. He hated that he could do nothing about it. He hated that he felt like he deserved to feel it.

Mello felt pathetic thinking of Matt, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted him. He wanted Matt around him instead. He wanted Matt to come and fix everything.

He shamed himself for his poisonous thoughts. For even considering that Matt deserved to mend one of his problems yet again. He was a worthless liar who would soon break the quivering, benignant heart he treasured dearly. It was about time that he became a shell that even Matt couldn’t love.

* * *

Matt had arrived at DeAngelo’s door.

He hated being away from home, especially when Mello was out again. Loneliness had begun to eat at him as his mind raced with possibilities of what could be happening to his most precious person. He wanted to be home, where he knew Mello would always have to return. He liked staying as close to home as possible to be there when he arrived from his work, but in the current circumstances, he didn’t have much of a choice. He couldn’t hold it off any longer.

It was clear from the conversation he had with DeAngelo on the phone that this meeting was not optional. He would have to go or risk upsetting them. And he wasn’t ready to know what could happen if he pissed them off.

Rain had started pattering against the roof. He hoped Mello was somewhere safe and dry.

Matt’s shaking hand knocked on the door. It took a while for someone to start opening the several locks, a mysterious eye peering at him through the crack before letting the door swing open, a big, muscled arm grabbing his shirt and dragging him inside. What these men chose to be cautious about was almost comical.

“You’re late, faggot,” one of DeAngelo’s men grumbled, pushing him in the direction of the basement door.

Matt was so shocked by how forward he had been about insulting him that he almost forgot to answer, “Sorry.” While they had been unnecessarily rude to him before, this was new.

Matt’s stomach ached. He didn’t want to be there, but he felt dangerously unwelcome. He felt like his existence was already so much of an offense that nothing he could say would be in his favor. His heart pounded as he sank lower into the house, his head spinning in the dark smoke cloud of bodies.

Like he had expected, there were a couple of women sitting like decorations on top of some of the men. Upon seeing them, his mind immediately went to Mello. It made him feel sicker. He hoped that he at least wasn’t getting called horrible names.

“So little Freckles arrives after all, huh?” DeAngelo’s voice sounded from the corner of the room. It would have taken several seconds more to locate him if he hadn’t spoken.

Matt took a seat away from everyone else, “I’m sorry. I came as soon as I could.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it. If it becomes a bigger problem though, I’ll have to ask what you were up to and I don’t think anyone wants to hear about the shit that comes out of what you’re fucking at home.” DeAngelo’s words blurred into a hoarse laugh, some of the other men joining in. Several of them voiced their predictions about what Matt could have been doing, but he tried his best to block them out. He couldn’t sit and listen to them say things about Mello for much longer without making the mistake of jumping into a fight. He had to compose himself. He didn’t understand why they had to be so vulgar. He didn’t understand why they thought they could say things like that and get away with it. He didn’t want to let them get away with it. He would rather go broke than put up with their hateful words, but he knew they wouldn’t let him just step away. It would be too much of a risk for them.

Matt kept to himself as the meeting carried on. While it had been communicated to him as this important business conversation that he needed to be present for, all Matt could see was the other men getting completely messed up on their illegal substances of choice. Even with all of the different drugs around, none of them were using the new speed he had been threatened to push to their customers. There had to be something wrong about it, but he couldn’t ask without risking his own safety. He wondered where it could be coming from and what DeAngelo knew that he wasn’t sharing. The fact that they never used it could be easily dismissed as not wanting to dip into inventory, but it was suspicious how none of them wanted any of it at all.

Light feet padded down the steps as DeAngelo’s grunt man escorted someone else down to the basement. Matt’s eyes squinted as he studied the young man. He recognized him as one of his own new customers. Not before long he had noticed Matt as well and stepped over to him.

“Here man, what will this get me?” he asked earnestly. Now that he was much closer, Matt could see that his body was in distress, his nerves making his hand twitch as he held out more money than Matt had expected.

“Woah, I’m not sure if I can give you all that,” Matt admitted aloud, guilt weighing on him.

“You’re kidding!” the young man cried out.

DeAngelo’s head turned in their direction, “Is there a problem?”

“Yeah, he won’t sell to me!”

Matt cleared his throat, “No I just don’t think I can give him the amount he’s asking for. That’s too much for one person to have at once.”

DeAngelo’s dead eyes chilled his spine even though his silhouette was fuzzy and far away, “You don’t get to judge anybody. If he’s got the money, you give him what he wants. Argue and I’ll yank that mop off your head.”

Matt could feel sweat pooling at his lower back, he could already picture how the heat must have curled up his thick hair. He shook his head. It seemed like he was the only one who cared about sending a young guy away with so much of a potentially dangerous product.

But Matt had no choice. He had to sell it to him. Maybe the others weren’t sweating it for a good reason. They were more experienced with this kind of thing anyway. Maybe there really wasn’t anything to worry about and he was making a fuss for nothing.

None of these thoughts could stop his heart from banging in his chest as he took his money and gave him his handful of little white bags. He couldn’t look as the guy left, his body walking up the steps to a fate that Matt had sealed.

Before Matt could ponder too much about what could happen to the boy, whistles pierced through the darkness as one of the women made her way over to where he sat. His legs went numb in his chair as she straddled him, a coy smile on her red lips. It was clear that the men had told her to sit with him.

Her soft hands were cold as she took his face, her sticky lips kissing at his own. Matt was stiff, but not so far gone that he couldn’t gently take her shoulders and move her away from his face, “No thank you, you don’t have to.” He couldn’t look in her eyes as he spoke. He prayed that she would give it up.

“Don’t be afraid…” she cooed, turning his head to face her, “You’re so cute getting all embarrassed like this.” Her lips met his, the sloppy kisses making him want to scream. She smelled like liquor and vanilla, her thighs gripping him like a lock. He wouldn’t use force to get her off of him. He was trapped.

She giggled and took Matt’s hand in both of hers, dragging his fingers down her chest and pressing his palm over her breast. The men roared. Matt’s face had to be red the way it started to feel like it was burning. He hated where this was going to end up. He tried to keep breathing. He tried to stay calm.

Her lips dragged from his mouth to his ear, “They say you like boys…” she purred, her hands moving to his jeans, her painted nails unbuttoning them and teasing over his underwear, “But I think you’ll like me too.”

Matt felt like he was going to faint as she stroked him over his boxers. The men hollered and cried out in laughter. He could jump up and throw himself at them. His blood had boiled enough to do it now, but he wouldn’t push the woman off. He couldn’t bring himself to shove her away.

“Don’t be so scared, baby,” she whispered, “A woman’s supposed to make you feel this good.”

Matt was ashamed. He hated his body for responding to her cruelty. He couldn’t let himself be tormented anymore. These men were trying to break him, and he wouldn’t fall victim to it. He refused.

 _“Get off of me right now!”_ he demanded, his hand grabbing her wrist and tossing her arm away, _“Get the fuck off of me!”_

His heart fluttered in his chest as it pounded. He couldn’t take this anymore.

The woman wailed and finally got up off of his lap. A thought intruded Matt’s mind that he didn’t want to come to terms with. Was Mello capable of defending himself? Especially when his assailants were men…

Matt jolted up and kicked over the chair, his feet thundering up the stairs as he left.

The sky dumped on him from above, the city hidden in darkness from the storm. He didn’t care that he was getting drenched beyond recognition. It didn’t stop his legs from feeling feverish where she had been on him. One wrong footing and he would fall for sure. Could this be similar to what Mello was going through?

His sneakers sloshed through the street as water flew down the block, running into the drains where it would be dumped into the green river. Matt took shelter under a bus stop and screamed. He couldn’t be silent anymore. He couldn’t be appeasing anymore. The cracking thunder and rushing pavements concealed his cries as he ripped up his throat in excruciating frustration.

He knew Mello wouldn’t be there when he got home, but it would be better that way. He didn’t have to conceal his pain as he reeled from what he had just been through. As he prayed that the boy who had come all that way to buy a handful of poison knew what he was doing. As he crumbled under new understanding of what had slowly been breaking Mello down ever since he was a teenager. There was nothing like being in a position like that. It had a unique way of crushing your soul.

* * *

Even though it had been several days, Mello’s head still felt clouded by Jason’s slap across his face. It was like it had created an added layer of hesitation in his interactions with him, even causing him to flinch if Jason moved too quickly when he was near.

“Mihael?”

“Hm?” Mello hummed, his head jerking to face Jason from where he sat in the limousine.

“We have a meeting soon, that’s where we’re headed now.”

Mello was confused. Jason’s words didn’t make any sense. _“We?_ It’s dark out now.”

“I know that.” Jason clapped his hand over Mello’s thigh, his fingers squeezing at him. “He asked to speak with you.”

“Who did?”

Jason dismissed his question, “We’ll be there soon.”

Mello sighed and turned his head back to the window. They were traveling into downtown where Roger’s club stood among several others. As long as it didn’t have anything to do with that man he could probably handle it.

When they pulled up to the curb, he stayed put and waited for Jason to open his door like always. Jason’s chivalry had long lost its initial effect. Mello was no longer impressed with his efforts but had no choice but to entertain them.

The steamy bar was a surprising relief from the freezing cold night. Jason’s hand found its way to Mello’s lower back as he led him into the dining area, a familiar face standing out among the crowd. Jason’s creepy friend.

Mello stopped in his tracks, but Jason only pushed him further in the direction of the man. His eyes were just as intimidating, but there was something slightly softer about them. As they got closer, Mello could see a scar at the man’s temple. He didn’t regret hitting him with the book.

Jason stopped at the booth across from his friend and motioned for Mello to slide in first.

“Mihael, this is Tom. Please say hello.”

Mello wanted to shake his head in annoyance, but he held back. He didn’t understand why he needed to be at this meeting. He didn’t want to greet Tom without knowing what he was getting involved in.

“Hi,” he spoke, his body heavy with what he didn’t know to be anger or fear. It had to be a combination.

Tom sighed, his face twisted up in what appeared to be adoration as his eyes combed over Mello’s face and body.

“Jason you are lucky my friend,” Tom spoke through another sigh.

“He _is_ a treasure…” Jason acknowledged, a smile thinning his lips as beers arrived at the table.

“Oh yeah I just went ahead and ordered these, I hope that’s okay.”

“I’m always up for a drink,” Jason assured him, tipping the mug to his mouth.

Tom refocused as he grabbed his own glass, his eyes going back to Mello. They seemed to linger on his neck. Tom downed an impressive amount of beer and licked his lips.

“I asked you here so I could apologize. I honestly can’t remember much from the other night, but I know things got heated and I must have been acting like an asshole, so I’m sorry for that…” Tom trailed off as if he were trying to remember something, “I’m sorry for that, Mihael…You know your name is very different you don’t hear that one. But then again you don’t see a boy who looks like you too much either,” he chuckled.

Mello couldn’t look at Jason as Tom apologized. It was all too familiar.

“You see, Mihael when it comes to boys like you I can’t control myself. Can’t hold my alcohol either!” Tom grinned at Jason and they laughed.

As their awkward burst of laughter faded, Jason pinched Mello’s hip. A darting glance at Jason’s eyes told Mello all he needed to know. Jason wanted him to reply to Tom. Mello couldn’t imagine ignoring him, especially now that Jason was capable of hitting him…

“Thank you,” Mello supplied, his eyes struggling to meet Tom’s.

“Oh, Mihael…Mihael, Mihael, would you let me hear my name on your lips? Just once?”

Mello fought himself to keep a straight face. It had been enough that he had thanked him when gratitude was not warranted. Now Tom was messing with him yet again. His apology couldn’t be the only reason they had met him here. With men like them, there had to be a catch.

“Thank you, Tom.”

Tom cheered at Mello’s response, his pleasure causing Jason to sling an arm around Mello’s shoulders. It slipped down his back as Jason’s fingers fondled at the skin just under Mello’s waistband, “See I told you he can be a good boy.” It was clear that the drinks were getting to the both of them.

Jason buried his head in Mello’s hair, “You make me proud,” he whispered. Mello despised the way the praise lifted his chest.

Tom cleared his throat, his eyes becoming more invasive in their gaze as the alcohol set in, “If I could have you again, Mihael…I would take good care of you.”

Mello prayed that he had heard him wrong.

“How so?” Jason asked. Mello turned his head to him in shock.

“Well for starters I’d make sure to loosen him up,” Tom spoke darkly, the tone of the conversation taking a harsh turn. Jason’s fingers toyed between Mello’s legs, teasing him over his pants as Tom spoke. Mello shot a helpless look at Jason. Hatred coursed through his veins.

“I bet he’d swallow up my fingers real good, huh?” Tom leaned in closer, tilting his head to meet Mello’s gaze, “I’d make you feel so good…”

Mello twitched under Jason’s hand. He was fuming as he scooted as close as possible to the wall. What were they planning? Why wasn’t Jason stopping Tom from talking about him like this? Did this not upset him?

“I’d pay anything to have him for even just a few minutes. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him…I’d pay you anything” he repeated, “And you could watch Jason…Make sure your precious boy is being well fed...”

Mello could only stare at Jason, his expression pleading for him to turn him down, but the large man just kept on smiling.

“This is something quite difficult to refuse,” Jason replied. Mello couldn’t believe it.

 _“What?”_ Mello exclaimed, “I can’t…I can’t do that.” Mello’s voice became a mumble, “Jason, please.”

“No you _can_ and you will,” Jason decided, “We didn’t come all the way out here to disappoint my good friend.”

Mello ignored Tom’s desperate attempts to get him to make eye contact. “Listen, Mihael, I know I’m not the looker I used to be, but I can still show you a great time,” Tom added, “And I’d give you your own bonus…” he whispered, “We don’t have to tell the big man!” he smiled playfully.

Mello felt numb. He couldn’t speak. If Jason was okay with it the only thing his objection would achieve would be getting himself into trouble.

“What do you say, pretty boy?” Tom purred.

“Oh he’s doing it!” Jason scoffed, tossing back a swig, “He’s doing it or he’ll be over my knee.”

Tom gasped excitedly, “Oh wow! Wow that’s all good but I want to hear it from Mihael himself…Please tell me. Oh! And use my name again. Let me hear it again.” Tom propped his head up on his hand, his gaze melting into Mello. He was trapped.

Mello had to answer him, or he would face the consequences. “Okay, Tom,” he begrudgingly replied.

“Hm, yes,” Tom chuckled, “but _what_ is okay? What do you want me to do to you?” his voice adopted a seriousness that exposed his cheerfulness as a façade. Mello glared at him.

“Get that look off your face,” Jason spoke through gritted teeth. He was turning into the drunk Jason that Mello knew well.

“Sorry…” Mello sighed, his eyes becoming heavy, “Y-You can…You can fuck me, Tom.”

Tom roared in satisfaction, “Aren’t you cute? Jason you be kind to him it looks like he’ll cry if you keep being a mean daddy.”

“He’ll be fine,” Jason dismissed, finishing off his glass.

“Maybe you can just come him with me now! I’ll save you from this grump!”

“No. We will set something up for a later date,” Jason insisted, “And he may still need some training so he’ll behave for you.”

“Don’t go breaking him now!” Tom hollered, disappointment in his voice.

Mello sat in disgust as the men spoke as if he were a possession. He couldn’t believe that he would have to have sex with the man sitting across from them. Someone he barely knew, who had been violent as soon as he got the chance.

How had he overcome this disgust when it came to Jason? Maybe he didn’t notice it. Maybe it was buried under his confusion. Even in the current moment, when he looked at Jason he saw a man he wanted to please. He wanted to be good for him despite the way he made him feel. If this is what Jason wanted him to do, he didn’t have a choice. He could only hope that Tom would keep his word and be kind.

* * *

Matt had lost count of how many days Mello had been gone. His body was on the verge of crumbling from his anxiety. Not only because he hadn’t spoken to Mello in so long, but because something had happened. One of the worst things that could have happened.

Matt had grown restless in their tiny apartment alone. He couldn’t stay in one place anymore.

Walking aimlessly along the river had proved to be exhausting, especially when he fed himself nothing but half a pack, but he couldn’t be still. Even if he didn’t know where Mello was, he had to trick himself and keep moving. As if he would eventually reach him as long as he didn’t rest. He wouldn’t answer his phone. He couldn’t help but think that maybe the worst thing had happened to him too. Life was too fragile, and it wasn’t fair.

He walked past the diner and let himself take refuge from the cold inside. But there was the kid’s face again on the television. His name had ended up being Jonathan. Nineteen. The boy he had sent away with a handful. The boy he had sent on his way to his death. Matt wanted to gut himself.

It had been at least a couple of days now, but Matt had never stopped sweating. Even cigarettes couldn’t remedy his nausea.

DeAngelo and the others didn’t care. He was still numb from the phone call with them.

_“You shut the fuck up and keep selling.”_

_“Fuck that dumbass kid.”_

_“You won’t tell anyone it was our shit.”_

Matt felt hollow. He needed to get out of this. This wasn’t him. At least, he didn’t want this to become him. He needed Mello. He needed to tell him what he’d done and what he was planning to do. What he needed to do could very well get him killed. He at least needed to know that Mello was safe before he tried anything drastic. At least it hadn’t been Mello’s face on the screen.

Matt shuffled out of the diner, the bells on the door ringing in the distant wind as he walked deeper into the city. The night was harsh and frigid.

If Mello was being made to do anything like what those girls did, there was a good chance he could be in one of the clubs. Not only did it make sense, but the closer Matt got to the nightclubs, the more he could sense his tether. There had once been a time when he needed to know Mello’s location for their survival, and that instinct was emerging once again.

Matt felt like collapsing, but he pushed himself on, searching through waves of bodies in the dark. He didn’t leave a building until he had searched thoroughly. His brown eyes darted as he scanned. His mind kept putting Mello’s blond head into the scenes like a phantom, disappearing as soon as he tried to focus on it; a hallucination could not suffice.

He told himself that no matter what he might discover, his love for Mello could never break. He knew Mello better than anyone else. He knew that Mello had a way of letting his past control his decisions in the present. He knew he wasn’t perfect, especially in his mistakes. He knew that Mello didn’t love himself the way Matt wanted him to.

The streets were thinning out. It was impossible for Mello to be out in this weather at this hour. But Matt couldn’t give up. He was physically incapable of stopping his search.

The wind whistled through his hood, his vest flapping as he stalked up the street.

Another nightclub was just a few more steps ahead, but something caught his eye. A fragile snowflake melted into his sleeve. Matt looked up, his head growing light as he stared up at the black sky.

The first snow.

The sound of music was sucked briefly into the night as a heavy door opened and closed. Two voices vibrated over the silence of the snowfall.

Matt’s heart threatened to explode. He couldn’t believe it. There he was.

But it was nothing he could have ever predicted. It was such a stab to his heart that he could have buckled at the knees.

The ghost of Mello stared right back at him, but the shadow of the giant fucker from the alleyway hovered over his blond head like a beast.


	9. Rupture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: physical violence, referenced r*pe, explicit sexual content, & coercive touching
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.
> 
> Note: This chapter follows the events of Chapter 7.

THREE YEARS AGO

That man needed to pay for what he did to Mello.

Matt had been blinded the moment he had seen that black car.

The overwhelming anxiousness that had come over him still stirred in his chest. While he had been fearful of the outcome of his actions, his ferocity overpowered it. He needed to get revenge for Mello. Someone couldn’t be allowed to get away with breaking his body like that.

He had been shocked by the man’s weakness as his body hit the pavement. He was taller, but not stronger than Matt. It came easier than he had expected to keep him pinned to the ground as he pummeled his fists down over his face. He didn’t have anything else to use.

His scratchy chin had ripped up his hands. His teeth were stiff like cement. His voice had rumbled in his chest and cried out, his lungs spewing a trail of red from his chapped lips. His skin had tendered under his knuckles. His nose had cracked, the sound unnatural and nauseating.

George became a pulp of the man he had been when he violated Mello.

Matt couldn’t remember what he had been screaming down at him. He couldn’t remember when people had gathered. He couldn’t remember the police showing up. He couldn’t place the moment when his heart had set off beating like a motor gearing up to combust, powering his limbs with its abnormally fast beat.

It hadn’t been until he caught a glance at Mello’s face as he was taken away in the back of the police car that he snapped back. His soul had flooded with satisfaction before he quickly could feel the painful distance between him and his love. With every stretch of road, his body burned in a cruel sorrow. He had succeeded in his plan to take care of the situation, but it only separated them as a result.

He didn’t kill him, but Matt knew he could have.

Now he sat in a cell. He wasn’t a boy anymore. It had turned out that turning eighteen had achieved nothing for him but landing him in an institution.

Matt didn’t regret it. He would do it again if he had to.

He grew restless, but only because he couldn’t know what was happening to Mello out in the city. He was all alone now. They were supposed to be together, but he would have to wait thirteen more months. Even then, Matt had nothing to give him. He owned nothing but a few shitty cigarettes he had bummed off of another inmate. They helped to remedy his anxiety, but he could never shut it off completely. Even when he heard Mello’s voice over the phone, it wasn’t enough confirmation of his wellbeing. The darkest, most terrible scenarios kept him awake at night. Even when his pants tented at the thought of Mello, his only vision of his naked body was covered in bruises and dried blood.

Matt’s body ached to see him.

Matt never told anyone why he had done it. He never even said how he knew the man. He had to protect Mello. He had feared what could have happened to Mello if they went to someone. The things Mello had told him disgusted him. The adults treated him like a perverted menace, when in reality, he had fallen victim to one. They would blame Mello for what happened to him. They would never understand.

His hands still throbbed, but he was content with the pain. As long as he could feel it, he could pull himself back to the last moment he had been close to Mello.

* * *

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Ever since Mello had seen Matt attacking George, a numbness had gradually spread through him.

Once again, Matt had sacrificed himself to protect him, and the guilt had turned Mello into a shell of himself. He should have kept it to himself. Telling Matt had been a mistake. Now Matt’s life was ruined, and he blamed himself.

Matt didn’t graduate. Matt’s hard work and reputation had crumbled at his feet. Matt didn’t even tell anyone why.

Devastation crushed him with each day he spent without Matt…but he had to do something.

He couldn’t live with himself if Matt had nowhere to go when he was released. The money he had been left with from the group home was running out, and the tiny apartment he had been staying in needed to be paid for.

He had been searching for weeks to find a job. He was just a teenager with no experience, but he had applied and interviewed at what seemed like every fast-food place in walking distance.

The tiniest fragment of hope existed in the phone call he had made to a nightclub downtown. As long as he could convince the manager, they were open to hiring him. Even though it was a bit farther away, he still didn’t have to waste any money on a cab, and it seemed he had left early enough to make it in time on foot.

The unfamiliar streets welcomed him like a fresh addition to the hundreds of bodies buzzing as they traveled. As they lived their lives. Mello wasn’t sure what he was doing lately, but he knew that without Matt, he wasn’t doing much living.

It was hard to imagine that laughter had once hammered his lungs until his stomach hurt. He couldn’t smile if Matt wasn’t there with him, smiling first.

He hoped Matt would call him soon. It had been several days since their last conversation and Mello was craving more. Matt’s voice had a way of calming him down. Even though he should be the one trying to keep Matt calm, Matt always sounded so relaxed when they spoke.

Mello cleared his throat before stepping into the nightclub. Only a few customers bustled around the impressive space in the early evening.

He walked up to the bartender and explained himself. The man only nodded before his tall body quickly led him to the back of the building into a small hallway. Mello thanked him and knocked as he walked away.

“Come in! Come in!” a raspy, deep voice sounded from behind the door.

Mello timidly stepped inside. The bald man was well into a cigarette, his eyes scanning over the large computer on his desk. Mello thought to himself how much easier it would be to search for jobs if he could borrow it.

“Hello there, Mr. Burns. I’m—”

“It’s Roger, buddy,” Roger spoke, still without looking at him.

“Sorry, Roger. I know you put an ad out that you’re in need of a waitress, but I spoke with someone from here and I was hoping to talk to you about filling the position, even though I’m a guy…” Mello stepped forward, “I know I’m young, but I’ll do whatever you need, and I’m happy to work whenever you need as well.”

Roger’s eyes finally detached from the screen. They seemed to widen into an expression Mello did not understand. Was it surprise? Awe? It looked almost as though he was hungry as his eyes scoured his body.

“Could you take off that jacket?” Roger asked.

Mello was taken aback. The request confused him, but he was willing to do whatever he asked.

He pulled down the zipper and slipped his arms out of the sleeves. The summer was thinning out into a brisk fall, and Mello found himself doing his best to keep warm in the cold city nights. He only wore a black fitted shirt underneath. He didn’t own anything nice but an ugly suit he used to wear to church when he still lived at the group home, and he wouldn’t put it on ever again. He still needed to get rid of it.

“Wow…and your name is?”

Mello suddenly felt uncomfortable in the small space alone with Roger.

“It’s Mihael.”

“Mihael…I have to say I was expecting a pretty girl to come and work here, but I am just as pleased with a pretty boy like you…I’m sure our customers would love to take a look at you as well.”

Mello wasn’t sure what to say.

“Go ahead and sit down.”

Mello lowered his body into the folding chair in front of Roger’s desk. The intimidating man wheeled his chair around so he was right next to him, ditching his cigarette in his ashtray as he scooted. Mello could see just how sweaty he was. Roger’s nose whistled as he breathed, his presence was even more confusing when he was closer.

“Just how young are you?”

“Eighteen.”

“When’s your birthday?”

“December.”

“You don’t know much about serving?”

“I know pretty much nothing, but I’ll learn.”  
Roger leaned in closer.

“You always keep your hair like that?”

“Yes.”

A dark smile came over Roger’s sweaty lips. “You’ve got a boyfriend?”

Mello’s head jerked back in shock. What was he asking? Mello knew his face had to be red.

Roger laughed, “Well, you like to kiss guys right?”

“What?” Mello asked.

Roger placed his hand over Mello’s thigh, “You like kissing guys? You’re gay?”

Mello couldn’t answer him. His leg began to feel numb under Roger’s warm hand.

“You don’t know anything about being a waitress, but I’m sure there have been guys who couldn’t resist you. You’ve had experience with that, yeah?”

Mello’s throat went dry. There was no way he could answer him. George flashed into his head, his smile gone just as quickly as it had appeared.

Mello’s chair squeaked on the hard floor as Roger pulled him in. He could smell his breath now. He had to have eaten salami that day.

“Mihael, I have a proposition for you. Something that would bring both of us some good money.”

“I…I don’t understand…” Mello spoke quietly.

Roger’s moist hands took his face. Mello couldn’t get himself to pull away. His body wouldn’t move; his compliance seemed to come naturally. He knew what was coming. He closed his eyes in preparation.

Roger’s lips moved over his in a greedy passion. His breath was just as hot as the rest of him. It made Mello want to gag as he held his breath. To Mello’s relief, it was brief.

“Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“What are you saying?” Mello asked, his chest heaving as his body recovered.

“That’s all you’d have to do with them. My customers. You’d give em a kiss and they’d give you cash. You’d be earning it faster than you would letting them squeeze at you for free while you wait tables…I’d set it all up for you. You’d just have to answer to me and I’ll take care of everything.”

“I-I can’t do that. I…” Mello couldn’t think straight.

“Here,” Roger grunted as he fished in his pocket, “I’ll give you some incentive.”

His sweaty hand opened Mello’s and placed a one-hundred dollar bill on his palm.

“I can’t accept this…” Mello mumbled, but Roger closed his hand over the money.

“Then earn it,” Roger took his chin, “Show me you can earn it.”

Roger’s grimy lips kissed at him again, and Mello lost himself. He moved his lips back against his and succumbed to Roger’s lead, opening his mouth to accept his tongue. The money felt good in his hand. He wanted to bring it home for Matt.

As Roger let him go once again, Mello tensed himself in case Roger planned to try anything more.

“You’re cute, Mihael. You’ll be so popular with that blond hair…I promise these guys are harmless. No one will put it in you if you don’t want them to.”

Mello could only stare at the floor. The sweaty bill in his hand was hard to turn down. If what this man said was true, he could have enough to keep the apartment and then some. He didn’t want to kiss strangers, but if that meant he could take care of Matt, he couldn’t think twice about it. He had to give him a roof over his head after he had sacrificed so much to defend him. Mello couldn’t afford to dwell on the fact that he could be confining himself back into a similar trap. This was different. This was business. A real job…

“Okay…”

“You’ll do it?” Roger asked, excitement in his gurgled voice.

“Yes.”

“You made the right choice, Mihael…Now I need to make something clear before I let you go.” Roger took Mello’s chin once again, “It’s yes _sir_.”

Mello nodded his head, “Yes, sir,” he spoke softly. If he had to be obedient in order to hold more money in his hands, he would do it. And he would do it well.

* * *

Matt’s voice soothed his heart and made it ache at the same time.

“Six months is going to fly, Mello. I just want to know how _you’re_ doing.”

“Matt just don’t let anyone get you worked up…You need to come home with all of your body parts,” Mello pleaded, his mind imaging all kinds of worrisome circumstances. He had been unsettled about Matt getting into a fight ever since Matt had told him his things were getting stolen a few months back.

“I promise you I’m keeping to myself…How’s your new job been going?”

“It’s fine…” Mello had never worked up the courage to tell Matt what he had gotten into. He didn’t want to give him any reason to worry about him when he could do nothing but sit there. Even so, he couldn’t use that excuse to rationalize his decision once Matt was with him in person. “I’m actually going to work soon.”

“Oh, then I’ll let you go. Don’t let me keep you.”

“No I’ve got a few minutes…” Mello closed his eyes. He didn’t want to make Matt feel bad, but he couldn’t hold back, “Matt, I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too. I’m sorry I can’t be there with you.”

Mello resented Matt for his apologetic tone, but the anger he had for Matt about his rash decision was buried deep below his own guilt. If anyone should be sorry, Mello felt it should be himself for burdening Matt with his problems and not thinking about what Matt would do as a result. When Matt had insisted countless times that he didn’t know George, denying any kind of motive, Mello had let every opportunity to speak up go by. George was off somewhere, possibly with another teenager, and Matt was locked up.

“It’s gonna fly,” Mello replied, repeating Matt’s words.

Matt’s voice crackled on the line. Mello couldn’t tell if he was laughing or holding back a sob. He couldn’t ask. He couldn’t upset Matt in front of the strangers in there with him.

“I love you, Mello.”

Mello lost his voice. There that was again. What Matt had told him the night they kissed for the first time. He couldn’t find the right words to say back. He didn’t deserve to love Matt after what Matt had sacrificed for him.

“I…” Mello hated himself. He felt himself becoming emotional thinking how happy it would make Matt to hear him return his words, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“It’s okay, Mello. I’ll let you go now.”

“You’ll call me tomorrow?”

“I don’t have access to the phones tomorrow, but I will as soon as I do. Just wait for my call.”

“I will. Matty, er I mean, Matt I’m gonna have everything ready for when you’re out. I’ve got all of your stuff and I’ll have all of your favorite drinks. I’ll buy you cigarettes too. Just hang on for a while…”

“As long as I get to see you, I’ll be happy. Don’t work too hard.”

“I-I really miss you.” Mello could feel himself tearing up.

“I’ll call again soon. I love you.” The line clicked. Matt had hung up before Mello could stumble over his words again.

Mello did love Matt. He had loved him for as long as he could remember. He just couldn’t get the words to come out. It was hard to believe Matt could love him after what he had gone through for Mello. After Mello had ruined his life. Mello was unworthy of Matt’s love, and he couldn’t allow himself to say it back to him out loud. Just thinking about it made it difficult to stop crying.

Mello wiped his eyes as his tears spilled out. It was becoming harder to stay strong over the phone. He could only imagine how his body would react when he got to see Matt again.

Mello had to force himself to pull it together as he sat down in the cab waiting outside of his apartment. He had a meeting that Roger had set up for him at a fancy restaurant. He was going to see a man who owned his own law firm. He wondered what he would look like.

The last man he had been with was in his sixties, but he had been so kind to him. He had only requested a kiss on the cheek after taking Mello out shopping. Roger had kept his word and had been setting him up with harmless gentlemen. Lately, he had been going farther with Roger than any of the clients. As time had gone on, Roger had become more demanding of him, keeping him late to kiss him heavily as he squeezed at his thighs and bottom. Mello was in no position to reject him. Roger was always sure to call him a brat when he seemed uncomfortable at his touches, and he didn’t want to upset him any more. Mello had been trying to get used to it. He couldn’t disappoint him and lose this opportunity to keep money coming his way.

The restaurant was elegant, a quiet rumble livening the room as he greeted the attorney. He was another charming older man. Mello couldn’t complain as the man kissed his hand and enjoyed his company. Mello had learned to tell the men all about his past in the group home to earn their sympathy. A beautiful young man who was struggling after coming from nothing was sure to have his pockets filled after indulging rich devotees with kisses. Maybe he could buy Matt the videogame console he had always wanted.

* * *

The nights were so lonely without Matt.

While Mello had adjusted well to his life answering to Roger, he couldn’t fill the gap that Matt had left in his spirit. It had been so long since he’d seen him last. He no longer had any piece of Matt’s energy to hold onto to keep himself going. The craving had been getting to him more and more lately, and it made it difficult for him to lie in bed without his lower stomach swirling as a stiffness grew between his legs.

He was humiliated by it. Even though he wasn’t under the same roof as the adults who had called him perverted, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling that way. He knew it would only get worse in a few weeks when he could see Matt again. When Matt would be close to him.

Mello fished his hand under his pillow and pulled out his most prized possession. Matt’s sweater.

He had been desperate to collect Matt’s things and stash them with his own when Matt had been taken away. Most of it sat in a box, but Mello had been selfish enough to hold on to his striped pullover.

Mello slipped his own shirt off of his head and pulled on Matt’s sweater. Even though it had been months, he could still smell Matt on it. He was so used to the scent that it was hard to describe. He wondered what he would smell like now that he had picked up smoking.

Mello’s thin underwear did little to hide his excitement. It was becoming painful to ignore his erections. They ached and made his briefs sticky.

Once he had caught himself rubbing it on his blanket in his sleep, but since being out on his own he had yet to touch himself intentionally.

The darkness in the room made it easier for him to finally work up the courage. Mello placed his hand over himself and shuddered.

He turned his head to the side as he shrugged his underwear down. A groan escaped his lips as he bounced in the exposed air. The very top seemed to pinch in the cold; he was already leaking.

As long as he looked away, he could imagine it was Matt rubbing at his tip and smearing the wetness around, letting it coat the length of his member. Would Matt even want to touch him?

_I love you, Mello._

Mello whimpered as he slid his fist, his mouth watering as he pictured Matt’s warm body hovering over him. His scent fueled his illusion, and there was no turning back now.

Mello’s legs went stiff as he held them open, his hole twitching as he sped up his hand. He wanted to call Matt’s name out, but he was too ashamed to allow himself.

Mello bit his lip as he came, his back arching at the intensity of his release. He couldn’t believe how slippery he was in his hand. With every little jerk of his arm he teased his tender skin and he quickly realized he wasn’t done yet. He wanted more.

Mello coated his fingers and swirled around his hole. He had touched himself there before, but not since what George had done to him. He had been too afraid, but now he couldn’t resist it. He wanted Matt’s fingers to stretch him open, but he would have to settle for his own.

He wondered if Matt’s was big. He knew it had to be bigger than his the way he had seen him outlined under his pants. He wondered if it would hurt inside. Nothing could hurt him like George had, but he didn’t want to think about that anymore. Was Matt’s hair red there too? Or was it darker? He wanted to see it so badly.

His fingers slurped in and out as he stroked himself with his other hand. He wanted to be ready for Matt’s cock. He wanted to be open for him. He couldn’t stop thinking about Matt kneeling over him with his member throbbing, how he would slide it in him and buck his hips. There had to be stray freckles on the skin he had never seen.

He knew Matt would be gentle, but he almost wanted him to be relentless in his thrusts. Mello wanted to feel the pressure of being filled up by Matt.

 _“Matty!”_ Mello moaned, his handing speeding up as he dirtied himself more.

Matt’s sweater was ruined, but he knew immediately that he wouldn’t wash it. Mello felt so filthy, but he didn’t want Matt’s scent to be gone. He had to hold onto it for as long as he could.

* * *

Matt had been traveling since the early morning when he had finally been released. It took several busses to get to the subway, and then he had to stop to figure out when he would have to get off. Though he was exhausted, Matt couldn’t wait to see Mello. His heart leaped in his chest as he thought about it. After all of that time, they really were going to live together on their own. Matt was eager to start helping to provide for them.

Mello had helped Matt plan his journey over the phone, so they had a rough arrival time to go off of. Mello had told him that he would be waiting for him by the green river across the street from the subway. Matt’s leg bounced as he checked the digital clock on the wall. He was running a bit late. His anxiousness caused him to sweat under his prison release clothes. It was obvious where he had just come from. He tightened his fist on the clear plastic bag holding his few belongings. As soon as those doors opened he would be flying out to find Mello.

The sheer amount of people had been shocking, but Matt couldn’t let himself be distracted. His eyes scanned desperately, searching for Mello’s blond head. He could have cried out with joy when he spotted him.

 _“Mello!”_ he called out, his cheap sneakers slapping the pavement, “Mello! Mello!”

Mello turned around, his hair flying around his face in the wind. The largest, most gorgeous smile came over his face as he ran to Matt, their bodies smashing into a desperate embrace.

“Matt!” Mello cried, the warmth of Matt’s tight hug pumping his spirit with happiness. He could feel it again, but his mind brought too many other emotions into his head. He could feel himself falling into turmoil, his eyes growing heavy with blinding tears.

Mello pulled back so he could see Matt’s face. His bright brown eyes had become more sunken above dark bags. His face was filled out with a short red beard. The youthful Matt that had lived in his brain for the last fifteen months had evolved and hardened, but it was undeniably the boy he had been missing. It was undeniably Matt.

Mello clapped his body against Matt’s chest, his arms squeezing him.

 _“You idiot!_ You shouldn’t have done that!” Mello’s face was drenched in his tears, his sobs causing his lungs to heave as he screamed, “You could have killed him and then—”

“I wish I would have,” Matt spoke lowly, his hands stroking through Mello’s hair, his lips kissing at the top of his head.

“Then you would have been gone forever! What’s wrong with you?!” Mello choked on his words, the howling wind and roaring river concealing his cries, “Why did you do that?!”

Matt’s hands stroked Mello’s back. The feeling was so calming he could have melted to the ground. Mello’s knees gave out in his rage, and Matt sank to the sidewalk with him, their bodies still glued together.

“I’m so sorry Mello…” Matt sniffled as his own tears spilled into Mello’s hair, “I didn’t think. I just had to hurt him for what he did. I had to. I needed to. I’m sorry…I hurt you too.”

Mello slipped his arms around Matt’s neck, his eyes stinging in the wind. Matt’s hands took his face and gently lifted his head.

“Mello, you’re so beautiful.” Matt was in awe of him. It had only been just over a year, but Mello had matured more into his looks. His sharp features pierced into his heart; his blue eyes were lovely even as they cried.

Mello shook his head as he balled his fists into Matt’s shirt. He felt awful for yelling at him, but he couldn’t stop himself. He had never had the chance to be angry at him. He had spent too much time worrying about him that he could finally scream at him for being so reckless. Mello blamed himself, and he needed Matt to put himself first going forward. He couldn’t let Matt put himself in danger for him anymore.

Matt piled kisses on Mello’s head, letting a few slip down to his cheek, “So beautiful.” He would do it all over again if he had to. If someone else left Mello broken.

“I’m sorry,” Mello squeaked, Matt’s lips all over him turning him to putty, “Sorry…I’m sorry.”

“You’re okay,” Matt soothed him, “You’re okay, it’s okay now.”

Matt could taste Mello’s tears as his lips grazed over his skin. He couldn’t restrain himself anymore. He cupped Mello’s face in his hands and kissed him. Mello’s lips quivered against his but kissed him back just as deeply.

Mello was taken back to the tiny bedroom where they had done this for the first time. His heart pounded with the same joy. He couldn’t believe he had managed to function for so long without Matt’s kisses. He didn’t want to remind himself that he didn’t deserve it. He let himself be consumed by the precious moment.

* * *

It was nice to wake up in a soft bed again. While the mattress Mello had managed to get wasn’t the biggest, it was perfect for holding each other close as they slept.

Matt slid his body out from underneath Mello, gently tucking him back in to bed. He looked so peaceful. Pink lips and soft eyelashes. He wondered if his sleep had looked that way while he had been gone. Mello had been exhausted from crying. It was like he had held it all in until Matt was home.

The small apartment really did feel like home. Not only because Mello was there, but because Mello was everywhere he looked too. In every dish, blanket, and folded piece of laundry. He had really made it as special as he could to welcome him. Matt smiled down at him. He had worked so hard.

He had showered prison off of his body as soon as they had made it back the night before, so now he was free to explore.

Mello had begged him to play the videogames he bought for him, but Matt had been content just laying in bed. Now he wanted to check them out to appease him. He could get a head start while Mello slept. He had missed him so much, but just knowing he was in the same space as him was enough. He wouldn’t interrupt his rest. Maybe they could play together when he woke up.

Matt booted up the system and took the controller before lowering his body down into Mello’s beanbag chair. It served as a cute placeholder for a couch on top of several blankets to soften the hard floor.

It was amazing to own a videogame like this. At the group home they only got cards or Monopoly when they asked for games. The child that had been silenced inside of him was ecstatic.

The quiet morning was interrupted by the soft rumbles of his game, his fingers picking up the controls quickly.

He could hear Mello stepping in the bathroom in the distance, the shower head squeaking on; the water running down his bare chest. Matt’s mind became distracted. Mello was naked, and he was only concealed behind one door. He shook his head before it could become full of too many leud thoughts.

Mello’s shower had been quick, his bare feet thumping as they walked up behind him, his body lowering so he could watch over his shoulder on his knees. He wore nothing but underwear under his towel.

Mello still couldn’t believe Matt was home. He was mesmerized even just by the back of his head. He wanted to see his face again, and his beard. He couldn’t help himself, but at the same time, nerves kept him hesitant.

“You smell nice.” Matt smiled as his fingers clicked over the buttons.

Mello beamed. He was impressed at just how skilled Matt seemed to be at the game. His towel slipped down his back as he wrapped his arms around Matt’s neck, nuzzling his head into his cheek.

It had suddenly become impossible for Matt to focus. He tossed the controller aside and turned around where he sat, his hands grabbing Mello under his arms and pressing him down on the bean bag. His fingers danced in his armpits. Matt was eager to hear his laughter, and naturally Mello blessed his ears.

Matt’s eyes lit up as he watched Mello squirm beneath him. He was sure to pin Mello down as he struggled to break free from his tickles.

 _“Matt!”_ Mello wailed, his stomach cramping. He tried to summon any strength he had, but Matt made it too difficult.

Matt couldn’t bring himself to tease him for too long, but he couldn’t stop either. He loved hearing Mello’s laugh. It was too rare.

Mello couldn’t take it anymore. A sudden burst of energy allowed him to push up on Matt’s shoulders, the force knocking Matt’s back onto the floor.

“S-Sorry!” Mello managed to say as he caught his breath. His body was on top of Matt’s, his thighs mounting him. He could feel Matt under him.

Matt shook his head as he grinned. His hands slipped up to Mello’s hips, making Mello jump. He squeezed at his fresh, creamy skin. He was too beautiful.

Mello couldn’t hold himself up anymore. His body slumped, his hands beginning to shake where they rested over Matt’s chest.

Matt took Mello’s soft back and lowered him to the floor, his body looming over him, his hips flush to Mello’s bottom.

Mello’s fatigued eyes widened, the pain in his belly swirling deep and pooling between his legs. Matt’s hands took his face and kissed him, his lips pulling at Mello’s as they released. It didn’t take long for Matt’s tongue to push though into his mouth, and soon he could taste him. Mello couldn’t stop the whimper that crawled up his throat, his thighs trembling under Matt’s weight.

Matt kissed along Mello’s jaw, his hand trailing down between their bodies and resting over Mello’s groin. Mello gasped, his legs squeezing Matt’s hips.

“It’s okay…” Matt breathed in his ear. He wanted him so badly. He wanted to see him under his briefs. He wanted to watch his face redden with pleasure.

 _“N-no!”_ Mello insisted, his hands pushing up against Matt. This had been all he could think about, but when it came down to it, he wasn’t ready. He wouldn’t be good enough for Matt. He was too embarrassed. At least he wanted to tell himself those reasons were accurate. He had no one but George to blame for his hesitance. For his fear.

Matt sat up and gave Mello some space. His disappointment was pushed aside by his concern, “I’m sorry, Mello. That was too fast.”

Mello nodded, squeezing his legs together. It was impossible to hide how hard he knew he would get when he only wore underwear.

Matt shook his head. Mello looked awfully erotic the way he clamped his thighs together on the floor, his teary-eyed face staring up at him. Matt smirked. “You’re just too sexy.”

Mello turned his head away, “You can’t say that!” It was strange hearing Matt talk in such a way. He had matured so much while he waited for him. He wanted to give Matt what he wanted, but he couldn’t quiet the terror that rose up into his lungs when hands roamed his most sensitive areas. Mello stood up, his tingling legs making him wobble.

Matt jumped up and pulled him into a hug. “I’m really sorry.” The last thing Matt wanted to do was remind Mello of the man who had hurt him. He prayed that he hadn’t.

Matt’s hug had become tight, the heaviness in his voice telling Mello something was wrong. “It’s really okay…” Mello spoke quietly.

“I can’t let go…” Matt admitted, his warm arms grazing over Mello’s back. He wanted to feel over every inch of him. Every point and dip of Mello’s body tempted his wandering fingers.

Mello hummed into a weak laugh. Matt’s hands were so gentle with him he could fall back asleep. How could such gentle hands stir up such painful memories?

“Come on,” Mello whispered, pulling Matt back into their bedroom.

They assumed their favorite position; Matt’s heart thumping peacefully below Mello’s ear, his hand tracing over his spine.

Love swelled in Matt’s chest.

* * *

“You _will_ go, you _will_ do it, and you won’t have an attitude about it either,” Roger growled, his eyes threatening in their gaze across the desk.

Mello sat defeated. There was no attitude in the way he spoke to him. It was almost as if Roger wanted him to have one. Then again, he probably could have thought of a better way to voice his disinterest in taking on new clients.

He had grown used to the small handful of men that had become his regulars. Despite the shady circumstances, they were generous, kind, and happy with nothing more than kisses.

Roger wanted Mello to entertain clients who were willing to give him more if he let them get handsy. It had been almost a week since Matt had come home, and Mello didn’t want to raise the stakes in his work for Roger. He couldn’t have Matt getting the wrong idea and getting hurt.

“I’m sorry, sir.”

Roger’s fist slammed down on the table. “You better be! I’m working my ass off setting these things up for you. All you have to do is show up and here you’re getting snotty. All this shit I do for you…” Roger grumbled.

Mello’s head hung low, “I’m really sorry, sir.”

“Then suck my dick.”  
Mello’s eyes jolted up to Roger’s. He could never tell when Roger was serious, especially when fear swirled his thoughts.

Roger coughed into a fit of laughter, “Your fuckin’ face!”

Mello’s pulse elevated, his knuckles flexing as he balled his hands into fists. He didn’t think anything was funny. Roger laughed but he knew beneath his obnoxious behavior he wasn’t going to let him get away with this.

“Please don’t…I’ll see whoever you want.”

Roger shook his head, “That’s fine and all, but one of these days you’ll have to show me how grateful you are to me…with those pretty lips.”

Mello released a shaky breath through his nose. Disgust turned his stomach as he cringed at the smirk on Roger’s face.

“Can I please go now?”

Roger’s eyes darkened as he rose from his chair. Mello knew what would be coming. He struggled not to tense up as his sweaty hands grabbed his upper arms and stood him up. Mello choked on his breath as Roger smashed onto his mouth, his hot tongue forcing its way through.

“Stop resisting,” Roger snarled lowly.

Mello grimaced as Roger bent him over his desk, his groin rutting against his bottom. Even though they were clothed he felt disgusting. His body fell into a mute panic.

He hated keeping Roger’s wickedness from Matt. Matt didn’t have the first clue what his work entailed. He couldn’t tell him someone was violating him. Not again. There was no telling what Matt would do that would get his life ruined even more. Once again, Mello would be the cause of Matt’s hardship, and he couldn’t bring that on him. The fact that deterred him the most was that this time, things were different. He had made an agreement with Roger. He had completely brought this on himself. Matt wouldn’t be able to understand. He couldn’t expect Matt to understand.

Roger was stiff as he rocked against him, his unpleasant warmth suddenly jutting at him as he grunted through climax. “Fuck you’re hot…” Roger caught his breath and stood up, the pressure of his body finally lifting off of Mello.

He held his breath as he gathered up his coat and left. A heavy shudder reanimating his bones.

* * *

Matt had given him time.

It wasn’t long before Matt had been home for a few months. He’d found a job at a gas station and helped to fill their place up. Finding furniture for the main space had been a welcome distraction from his desire. A distraction that no longer existed.

Even though it had become painfully challenging, Matt was careful not to push Mello again.

On a silent, intimate night Mello had at last, tearfully relayed the specific events of his final visit with George, and Matt could completely understand why he needed time. He didn’t need the explanation in order to take things slow, but it felt good to finally know. He had been able to draw conclusions based on what he had seen, but now he didn’t have to wonder. He wouldn’t try anything. At least, he’d made a valiant attempt at holding back.

Even when Matt found his old sweater, the fabric stained at the belly, he didn’t try anything. He could only squeeze his fist tight around himself and pump his hips in the shower, imagining it was Mello, imagining what his face would look like all twisted up under his passionate momentum.

Mello was unmerciful at times, keeping his bottom pressed to Matt’s abdomen as they lounged, whining into their kisses, touching himself whenever he thought Matt was asleep…He couldn’t stand it anymore. It was like touching frightened him, but he wanted it at the same time. It was becoming excruciating to be witness to. Matt just wanted to show Mello how good he could feel.

Mello was so warm, his back up against Matt’s front, their bodies connected together naturally on the floor by the television. They had found themselves a secondhand couch, but still preferred to lay on the floor from time to time. Matt wondered if there was something comforting in the fact that their tiny bodies had once spent every night together this way.

Mello was thankful that Matt couldn’t see his face. He knew it had to be flushed the way he could feel his stomach dipping at every tiny movement Matt made. His arousal swirled his thoughts and made his hole twitch as Matt stretched from behind him, his heavy arm wrapping around his waist, his hand resting over his chest. Mello could feel his nipples peak as Matt’s head nuzzled on top of his, his lips brushing over his ear, his neck. His kisses hot on his quivering throat.

 _“M-Matt…”_ Mello whispered, the murmuring television background noise to his pounding heart.

There was a calmness in Matt’s eyes as his hand turned Mello’s head, his reddened lips kissing him delicately. Mello only grew stiffer between his legs. He couldn’t hide himself from Matt for much longer. It was becoming obvious just how excited Matt was becoming too, his cock firm against Mello’s bottom even beneath his clothes.

Matt’s traveling hand lightly squeezed at Mello’s hip, pulling it closer against his body.

Mello shook his head, his own hands piled on top of his erection, his body making a weak effort at wiggling away as Matt’s tongue slowly lapped along his pulse.

“Sorry.” Matt couldn’t stop himself. His mischievous hand wandered up to Mello’s chest, dragging over his stomach, gliding his shirt up.

Mello’s breath hitched, his eyes shutting tight as Matt’s fingers swirled over his nipple, stimulating his swelling skin.

“This okay?” Matt asked, his voice gentle.

But Mello didn’t answer. He couldn’t find his words. He wanted Matt. He wanted him so badly, but he couldn’t stop his body from growing afraid. He couldn’t stop visions of George, and now Roger, from flooding into his head and putting up his mental defenses.

Even so he wanted to try for Matt. He had made him wait long enough. He could at least give it a try. He felt safe enough to give him that.

Mello finally nodded, his eyes still closed. Matt’s heart grew in his chest.

Matt kissed his cheek, his warmth fading off of Mello as he sat up on his knees. His hands took Mello at his hips, turning his body so he was lying on his back, his heavy legs open, his shirt still pulled up to his collarbone.

Matt could clearly see how hard he was now. There was no more hiding it.

Mello’s eyes peeked open and he couldn’t stop looking up at Matt. His messy hair was fluffy on his head, his shoulders broader and fuller, his legs sturdy.

“Can I show you something?”

Matt’s hands lifted from Mello’s sides as he pulled his own shirt off.

He was beautiful. Mello had listened to the beautiful chest in front of him countless times as they slept but had rarely seen his bare skin. What a waste of time.

But what Matt wanted Mello to see was concealed beneath his sweatpants. Mello’s stomach dropped in strong desire as he watched Matt sit up taller, his body looming over him as he shuffled them off of his legs, his boxers taught over something quite sizable.

Drool came into Mello’s mouth and he swallowed it down hard as he took Matt in. His body was gorgeous. It was too dark to find all of his stray freckles, but the flashing lights from the television allowed him make out some of them. They were even more precious than in his visions. He wished he could tell him that he was beautiful. That he wanted him.

“I want to help you with this…” Mello gasped as Matt dragged his finger over Mello’s erection. “Looks painful…”

Matt could hear his heart in his ears as he slipped his hands up Mello’s legs and lined himself up against him. Their hardened skin felt feverish now that they were pressed together. It was incredible how warm it felt.

“I could just do it with our clothes on,” Matt explained, waiting for Mello to give him some kind of sign of his permission.

Mello’s eyes couldn’t look away from Matt’s concealed cock. The one he had pleasured himself dreaming about. It had to be just as beautiful as his chest. He wanted to know.

Matt couldn’t get enough of Mello’s creamy skin, his chest tightening and collapsing as he lay there. Impatience began to agitate Matt. Mello’s eyes avoided him. Maybe he still wasn’t ready.

“It’s okay, Mello. We can try another time…” Matt whispered, slipping his hands off of his legs.

“Wait! I…” Mello struggled with himself to speak. The only way he knew he would be able to get it out was if he covered his face. Boney arms came up over his eyes and mouth, his head turning away as he sighed, “…Can I see it?”

Mello spoke so quietly Matt couldn’t comprehend his words until they replayed in his head several times. His eyes widened as he looked down at him, his hands pulling Mello’s away from his face.

“…You want to see?” Matt clarified.

Mello finally allowed himself to meet Matt’s eyes. Brown and shining like honey. His heart beat wildly as he nodded.

“Here, yeah of course.” Matt took a shaky breath through his smile as he shimmied his boxers down, his member springing out.

Mello’s stomach sank, arousal pooling straight to his twitching groin at the sight of Matt. He _was_ bigger than him. His fantasy shattered and was replaced by the real thing. Soon all he could think about were dirty things. Like when his body craved his own hands. The craving was incredibly dominating with Matt’s naked body over him. He couldn’t stop now. He didn’t want to. It was exciting.

Mello took Matt’s hand and placed it at the waistband of his pants.

“Can I take them off?” Matt asked. Mello’s face burned red.

“Please,” Mello whispered, his hole clenching with Matt’s hand so close to his sensitive skin.

Matt hooked his fingers into Mello’s briefs as he brought his head down close to Mello’s neck, his warm lips kissing along his jawline, hands gliding up into the neckline of his shirt, slipping it off his head. Not before long Mello was exposed as well. Matt’s hesitant eyes glided over his body, his visions of blood and bruises vanishing. Pale, untouched skin stretched over his peaking bones, his erotic flesh leaking, begging to be touched.

Mello squirmed under the suspense. He couldn’t know what Matt was planning to do. He couldn’t know if it was going to hurt. He trusted Matt, but he didn’t want it to be like his first time. Before he could be swallowed by his anxiety, Matt’s hands held his face, his lips planting over his for a sweet kiss.

“I’m gonna try something,” Matt murmured, his voice deep and soothing, his forehead meeting Mello’s. “I won’t hurt you…won't let anyone hurt you.”

Mello whimpered, humming in approval as his hips melted open under the spell of Matt’s hungry kisses.

Matt’s warmth traveled down his heaving flesh, his face suddenly right over Mello’s straining cock.

“You just tell me if I need to stop,” Matt spoke softly, his breath hot on Mello’s sensitive skin.

Matt wanted Mello to feel good. He’d never had the chance to feel good in this way. He didn’t want to stir up memories of the man who had broken his body. He wanted to give him something so different that he might briefly forget the events that had to be racing through his mind.

Matt lowered his wet lips over Mello’s leaking tip, taking him into his mouth with ease, his hands holding Mello under his shaking knees.

Mello’s back arched, the sensation making him groan. It was like Matt was devouring him, his careful hands slipping down his thighs over his soft bottom, his thumbs spreading open the skin around his hole as he bobbed; slow and cautious.

Mello couldn’t stop his voice from crying out in a strained moan, his hips nearly raising from the floor as he came.

It was embarrassing how quickly he had finished, but Matt’s tongue never stopped lapping at him. Mello’s face was so red he couldn’t look down. He didn’t want to see what his mess must look like all over Matt’s face. Splattered over his cheeks like his freckles.

Matt smiled and wiped the back of his hand over his mouth, his hands returning to their position under his knees and pressing Mello’s legs to his chest, his skin writhing and accessible.

Matt’s thorough tongue wandered from his member down over his hole. Mello gasped as he attempted to close his legs, but Matt’s sturdy hands kept him open wide.

Matt kissed at him, his tongue carefully plunging inside, his hands tightening their hold as Mello shivered.

“W-Why?” Mello asked, his voice breathy with exasperation. Matt only chuckled, the vibrations of his voice like a tickle.

Mello covered his face in his arms, his chest heaving as he fell apart. All he could think about was where Matt’s warm tongue was and how it made his cock grow all over again. It was so good he couldn’t contain his voice.

Matt kissed the inside of Mello’s thigh, a slicked finger poking in where his tongue had left off. “This okay?”

Mello’s body shook. His legs couldn’t have been open wider. He wanted to blame Matt for his splayed position, but he quickly realized that it had mostly become his own strength keeping himself open for Matt.

“It’s good.” Mello’s burning face peeked out from his arms and watched Matt suck on his soft, tingling skin, his ravenous lips leaving a mark before trailing up to make another. Matt couldn’t help himself. He tasted too good.

Matt’s lips were so swollen. Mello couldn’t stop himself from pulling at Matt’s shoulders, bringing his head closer so he could kiss him. Mello moaned into Matt’s mouth as his fingers seemed to swirl deep.

Mello could feel him, hard and firm on his leg as they kissed. He was too nervous to touch Matt. He wished that he could. He couldn’t stand the fact that Matt wasn’t getting taken care of. Just like when he had been alone in bed, Mello’s body was ready to take his cock. He couldn’t believe how desperately he wanted it.

Matt’s lips nibbled at his ear. Mello’s face was so flushed and pretty, drool poking out of his open mouth. “You gonna come again?” he asked, jabbing his buried fingers.

 _“Matt!”_ Mello winced. Matt’s fingers filled him, but it wasn’t enough. It was cruel how he couldn’t bring himself to tell him, but suddenly Mello’s mind could only focus on one thing, his arousal dictating his every move as he stopped holding himself back.

Mello pushed his body up and turned, Matt’s hand slipping out of him as he let his chest and head lay flat on the floor, his hips raised and waiting, his bottom elevated, his flesh pink and dangerously erotic. Mello turned his head to find Matt’s face, “Please,” he begged, barely audible, “please, Matty.”

Matt’s heart raced in shock, the excitement that tightened his cock grew nearly painful as his eyes took in the sight before him. He quickly prepared his member, making sure to coat it until it almost slipped out of his hand.

Mello closed his eyes in frustration, a groan rasping through his stretched throat, “Please…I want you…” Why wouldn’t Matt hurry? What more did he need to do?

“Mello you’re so hot…” Matt finally answered, his hands taking his patient bottom and pulling him open. “Gonna put it in.”

Mello groaned as Matt finally pressed through him, the sensation stretching him tighter than he’d thought. Mello couldn’t stop panting, his lips pulling into a smile, his closed eyes growing heavy with pinching tears.

“God, you’re so warm. It’s like you’re pulling me in…” Matt breathed, his body falling on top of Mello’s, his comforting weight fitting over him seamlessly.

“Don’t move,” Mello pleaded, burying his head in his arms.

“I won’t…We’ll stay like this for a bit,” Matt assured him, his head jerking in surprise as he could feel Mello’s chest beginning to heave.

Mello succumbed to the heavy sob in his lungs as he began to cry.

“M-Matt…thought I’d never see you again…It hurt so bad. I was scared…Thought I was gonna die…It hurt, it really hurt.”

Matt’s arms winded around him so tight that Mello could feel Matt’s heartbeat on his back.

“I’ve got you,” Matt soothed him, “No one’s gonna hurt you.” Matt nuzzled his head into the crook of Mello’s neck. It felt awful hearing Mello speak about what happened to him. Matt could only keep kissing him, the movement making his hips jolt.

Mello’s eyes widened around his tears.

“It feels good when it’s you, Matty…”

Something sparked in Matt at his words, his hands sliding down to Mello’s hips. Mello liked the feeling of his strong hands there. Once again, the adjustment seemed to make Matt’s cock jerk where it waited, patiently keeping him full.

“Go slow…” Mello whispered.

Matt was more than ready to start his long, careful thrusts, dragging himself out and back in at an agonizing, pleasurable pace.

Mello’s cries became breathless moans, his voice reaching a high, unsteady pitch. Matt was so hard inside of him, but the fullness didn’t come with the abuse he had felt before. Matt was so gentle, but he couldn’t stop his head from going light as his body threatened to shut down. He couldn’t see Matt’s face. How could he be sure it was him? He was getting pulled away, separated from his physical awareness.

Matt could feel Mello’s once loosened muscles stiffening under him, his voice trailing off as he fell into panic. He had to pull him out. He couldn’t let it go on for even a second more.

Matt removed himself from Mello. The feeling of loss alone was enough to break into Mello’s mind, his breath hitching in his rigid chest.

Before he could process another thought, Matt had turned him over, his gentle arms cradling his body as he rested his back on the floor.

Matt took Mello’s hand and placed it over his heart, his fingers slipping to his numbed thighs, his hips lining up again as he pushed himself back inside. Matt couldn’t hold back. He pumped into him, taking Mello’s face and wiping his thumbs under his sparkling eyes.

“You’re okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

Matt’s hands latched onto Mello between his legs, pumping at him; his skin already firm and ready to burst. Matt could hear Mello’s voice again. He sounded beautiful as it hiked up and cried out.

_“Matt!”_

Mello pulled Matt close to his chest. He wanted to stay full and protected under him for as long as he could. His mind scrambled, his belly suddenly hot and wet as his back rose off the floor. He had never come so hard. His limbs felt like jelly, his fresh tears complementing the smile across his pink lips as Matt bucked faster. Mello’s chest swelled into a gasp as Matt’s thick release spilled deep inside of him, overflow seeping out as Matt gradually slowed himself.

Mello found Matt’s lips. He groaned into their kisses, his legs locked around Matt’s hips. He wanted to keep as much of Matt inside of him, but it oozed out as Matt’s body went limp on top of him. Tears gushed from his eyes. Mello could only smile, Matt’s mouth sucking at his neck. His body pulsing in secure bliss.


	10. Agony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter TW: coercive touching, punishment, physical violence, explicit sexual content, alcohol consumption, & drunk behavior
> 
> Author’s note: My focus with this story is how my personal characterizations of Mello and Matt would respond to traumatic events in their young lives that dictate their choices both in life as adults and in their complicated relationship with one another. Mello is more of the main character, with his completely diminished sense of self-worth getting in the way of his life and happiness. He feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He especially feels like he doesn’t deserve Matt. While the story is heavy at times, the goal is for them to overcome, and they will. While Mello has a life that he doesn’t let Matt into (involving other people), it is because he believes he needs to separate himself from the best thing he has, as he is undeserving. Unfortunately, victims of abuse and assault don’t always escape their abusers for a plethora of reasons, and Mello has several reasons. I wanted to explore how these situations can get dangerously complicated. If this is not your kind of thing, thank you for the click and please do not feel as though you need to read anything that makes you uncomfortable. The story and chapters are tagged and include warnings as needed.
> 
> Note: This chapter follows the events of Chapter 8.

Mello’s throat felt like it could bleed as the frigid air ripped through his aching lungs, his boots beating against the ground faster than he had ever run. He could still see Matt; his jacket billowing under his vest as he flew through the dark street.

_“MATT!”_

This is what he had wanted. This is what he had told himself needed to happen, so why was he fighting to stop him? Matt could finally run from him and his mess. Matt’s dangerous burden. The burden that had ruined his life.

Matt’s body froze.

Mello caught up to him, but he didn’t know how to move. He couldn’t reach his arms out to hold him, but he couldn’t walk away either. Matt’s shoulders fell, his body shaking. Mello couldn’t believe it.

 _“Why?!”_ Matt cried, whipping around to finally face him. Shock sealed Mello’s throat. He had never seen Matt sob so heavily. Even as a child, his tears that he had witnessed never afflicted him for long. Now he heaved into the cold air, his intense eyes pouring as they pleaded into the darkness. As they struggled to understand.

Matt winced into his heaving cries, his hand slapping to his chest as his heart set off. He couldn’t calm himself down. It was all too much. The monster’s shadow approached them, and he wanted to pull Mello away, to shout at him in warning of the danger that lurked behind him, but Mello was too far gone. He was farther away from him in the current moment than he had ever been.

“Mihael, let’s go.”

Mello ignored Jason, his shaking legs stepping closer to Matt, his lungs pinching as he caught his breath. But Matt only backed away.

“I’m done! I’m done, Mello!” Matt managed to scream, his words wrenching at his heart in instant regret. He was too upset to think. Too hurt to say anything he meant.

Heartbreak was all Mello could see in Matt’s eyes. So this is what he had been doing to him all along. He knew it was bad. He knew he had ruined Matt, but seeing it before him made his body want to crumble. Mello couldn’t comfort him when he was the source of his despair. Especially not with Jason behind him.

“Now!”

Jason tugged at Mello’s elbow, his body stumbling backward as he pulled him away. His grip was a painful vice.

Matt couldn’t look anymore. He couldn’t bear a moment more. Mello had been spending all that time with the man from months ago. Someone he never imagined he would ever see again was the man Mello would rather be with.

His mind raced, his stomach turning as Mello’s words echoed in his head. The man he’d been sleeping with for money had assaulted him. He’d tried to do what the beaten man in the black car had been successful at. Why couldn’t Mello escape?

Matt caught a gag in his throat as he tried to quiet his sobs, as he watched Mello get dragged away, his blond head fading into the darkness; the falling snow like a curtain closing him off from him. Matt’s legs couldn’t move in his direction. For the first time, he couldn’t run to his rescue. How could he save him from danger that he had been willfully walking right into, day after day? He didn’t know what to do.

Matt sat on the cold concrete, his hammering heart finally coming to the forefront of his mind. He struggled to breathe. He didn’t want it to be easy to breathe after what he had just come across.

_I’m done!_

Matt’s body jolted back up, cold tears slipping from his eyes as he ran in the direction they had gone. He wasn’t done. He could never be done. Not when it was Mello. But just as quickly as he had found him, he was gone again.

Matt grabbed at a brick wall, his hand pressing into his chest. His throat suddenly becoming hot as vomit dribbled from his lips, his stomach retching under his layers.

This time, he didn’t know how to help him.

* * *

“Your behavior was unacceptable,” Jason scolded, pushing Mello into his bedroom.

“You’re drunk,” Mello spoke back quietly, his throat dry, his body heavy and fatigued from crying all the way back in the limousine.

“Excuse me?”

“I said you’re drunk,” Mello replied, his voice stronger. All of the air left his lungs as Jason’s hand grabbed his face, large fingers digging into his cheeks.

Jason’s nostrils flared as his eyes bore down into him. He _was_ drunk. Drunk and angry.

“You were _unacceptable_. You were an embarrassment in front of my friend. Then you go off running out into the street to that idiot! _What’s wrong with you?!”_ His hand seemed to shake with every word.

Mello couldn’t meet Jason’s crazed eyes. “I’m sorry.” There was something strange about Jason’s energy. He had never been so outwardly vicious.

“But you’re not! You don’t understand. I’ve been living here for _you_. Do you know what I’ve had to sacrifice so you can keep living in the same city as that worthless kid?” Jason finally released Mello’s face, “…Sitting there with that disrespectful look. I wanted to punish you right there. Then you go and top it off by ignoring me. I can’t let this go on.”

“What are you saying?” Mello’s heart pounded. His mind spiraled through the last few hours. He tried desperately to remember what he had done. It must have been something bad to make Jason this angry. It had to be, so why couldn’t he remember? Matt’s broken face was all he could see. He couldn’t recall anything before he had noticed Matt staring at him in the street.

“Be quiet. Get your clothes off,” Jason grumbled, his large body stomping over into the closet.

Mello couldn’t move from where he stood. He didn’t know what was going to happen. Dread overcame him; his heart pounding in his chest.

Jason was quick to return. He held something in his hand as he sat down on the bed, a disappointed look on his face. He was furious.

“Take them off, Mihael.”

“Why?”

_“Now.”_

Mello’s watery eyes rolled, his weak arms bringing his shirt up over his head, wobbling legs stepping out of his pants.

“All of them.”

Mello slipped his underwear down.

“Now, come here.”

“…don’t want to,” Mello whispered.

“Right now.”

“This is crazy…I didn’t do anything.”

“I just told you what you did. There are consequences for acting like an ungrateful brat.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Too late for that.”

“I can’t move.”

“You get over here _now_.”

The air in the room was heavy as Mello stepped closer to where Jason sat, exhaustion making his limbs move like lead. Mello couldn’t tell if Jason was being completely serious or not. It was almost like he could be fabricating. Maybe Mello just hadn’t been paying attention. His scrambling mind tried desperately to replay their conversation with Tom. He couldn’t think of anything he did that warranted this, but he should have been more careful.

Mello spotted the object in Jason’s hand and his heart dropped into his stomach.

“Why?” he asked, his voice shaking; tired, baggy eyes darting to Jason’s.

“You don’t get to ask questions.” Jason’s hand slapped over his wrist, pulling him closer, but Mello stood his ground.

“This is some sick game…” Mello murmured, “You just want to hurt me.”

Jason jerked Mello’s arm down, yanking him over his lap, his giant hand squeezing his wrists behind his back. Cruel anticipation numbed Mello’s body.

“You whine and complain but you don’t resist.”

The paddle felt nothing like Jason’s hand.

It snapped over his skin, keeping tears flowing from his closed eyes, feeble whimpers streaming from his mouth as Jason grew unmerciful, his grip on his arms only growing tighter.

Matt’s sobbing face flashed across this mind and Mello could feel his head growing so light it was disorienting, his consciousness seeming to pulse. There was nothing and then there was sharp, singeing pain. Over and over and over. Matt’s streaming tears. Pain like fire. Darkness.

Jim’s boots; wet from the basement hose and squeaking as they charged at him. The burning was in his legs, but it didn’t warm his frozen flesh.

Panic set in as Mello’s chest heaved violently. He struggled to hold onto his awareness. His mind surged back to the surface as he hyperventilated, Jason’s grip finally loosening on his wrists, but he couldn’t move his arms. He wouldn’t.

Jason’s hand slid over his back. “Collect yourself, Mihael…” His voice was a flare in his lost mind, something for him to chase as he drowned.

“…didn’t think it would be so soon that you would break.”

Matt’s beautiful face smiled in the spring wind. His freckles like stars, glowing in the rain. His voice deep and scratchy like his face.

“…s-sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Mello sobbed, his words almost silent. There was no way Matt could hear him.

His body was suddenly lying over the edge of the bed, Jason’s presence behind him, callous hands lifting his hips, his skin stretching as it was filled; the comfort of emptiness dominating…

Mello gasped, his body lurching awake. His head had never throbbed so hard. His brain had to be splitting. He could only try to breathe, his body under the weight of his suffering as he sank down into the bed.

He could smell Jason. He was back over him, his chuckling unkind as he opened Mello’s trembling legs and pulled something foreign from his hole. Mello couldn’t even cry out as Jason forced himself in again.

“Don’t go passing out on me this time,” Jason grumbled.

Mello wanted to never feel again.

* * *

The next few days had passed in a haze of despondency.

Mello could only get himself to breathe as he slept, his fragile mind craving the blissful moment upon opening his eyes before consciousness set in, when he would forget the troubles that weighed on his soul. He would wonder why he had never felt more broken only to be crushed by his sorrow all over again, Matt’s smile flashing through his head. His anguish replacing his laughter.

He had told Jason that he was sick. That he should just leave him alone as he wasted away in bed. He had been surprised that Jason seemed to actually listen, but in reality his work had just become more demanding, keeping him busy and out of Mello’s sight during the day, while still using his body each night.

Mello still fought with himself over everything that had happened. He had told himself for the longest time that Matt needed to get away from him. That he was breaking him beyond repair. But it hurt too much to be without him. The hurt was bad enough without the guilt he had for the fact that he couldn’t forget him. He couldn’t let Matt be free from him.

_I’m done!_

Mello shook his head and burrowed deep under the covers, a blanket of darkness soothing his puffy eyes…

“…that’s enough of this.”

Jason’s voice made his eyes pop open, the sweat under his hair a clear sign that several hours must have passed.

“Mihael, it’s time to get up.”

Mello said nothing, laying still as if he were hiding.

Jason’s fist latched around his arm and yanked him up, his body going numb and pliant in his hands, his eyes vacant.

Large hands gripped his shoulders and shook his body. Mello’s head rocked around like a ragdoll.

“Wake _up_ , Mihael. He’s gone now. He’s done with you right? You need to wake up and get over it.”

“Where’s my phone?” Mello asked, his voice small and pathetic. Maybe Matt had tried to call him.

“Don’t worry about that now.”

Mello hated the sound of Jason’s voice. His clouded head prevented him from filtering himself. “I hate you,” he mumbled, his words weak but loud enough for Jason to hear.

“Watch it,” Jason threatened.

“No really, I hate you,” Mello whispered.

Jason’s arm clamped him against his chest, his other grabbing his legs.

“It’s time to get up.”

Mello couldn’t help it when his body got like this. Matt was always so good with him when he confined himself. Jason didn’t know anything. He didn’t know tenderness.

Jason stood up but Mello fought against him, squirming until he was free from his grip. He wanted to slither back into bed, but Jason snatched him, his fist clenching the back of Mello’s head, pulling his blond hair back until Mello cried out in pain. Even then he didn’t stop. Mello clawed at his hand, his fear seeming to pump blood through his limbs. At last, he was finally awake.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please!”

Jason forced Mello’s head down, his knees buckling on the floor, the pressure in the back of his head finally releasing as Jason briefly let him go to open his pants.

His fist took Mello’s hair again, snapping his head up and parting his lips with his thumb as he shoved himself into his mouth.

Mello gagged around him as he struggled to breathe.

Jason was harsh as he thrusted into him quickly, his hands crawling to the sides of Mello’s face, keeping him still even as he struggled.

“I don’t care what’s wrong with you. You don’t talk to me like that. I won’t be disrespected in my own bedroom.”

Mello’s tears stung, regret coursing shame through his veins. His limbs relaxed as he accepted Jason’s brutality. He didn’t have an ounce of fight left in him.

Mello coughed violently as Jason pulled out of him, letting his release dirty Mello’s face.

Mello shuddered but he couldn’t move. Humiliation consumed him.

Jason stared down at him as he fixed his pants. “If you’re not showered when I’m back it’ll be even worse for you,” he warned before stomping out of the room.

The door slammed shut and Mello bolted to the bathroom, barely missing the toilet bowl as he vomited. His body expelled all it had left inside of it until he was only heaving, snot dripping thick from his nose as nothing came from his mouth. The odor he had now that Jason had used him made it impossible to stop retching, his body doubled over as he shuffled into the shower.

This was going to be his life now.

Mello stared at the shower knobs, his mind slipping into darkness, his boney wrist turning on the cold water.

It chilled him to the core, but he wanted to feel the familiar discomfort. He deserved it for what he did to Matt. He couldn’t think about him selfishly anymore. It was only getting him in trouble. He had to stop.

He let every happy memory reel through his head as he tortured himself in the icy water, his legs shaking.

He let it numb his face, a smile barely flashing across his lips. Matt was so beautiful in his head…

The air was freezing on his skin as he cautiously stepped back into the room.

Jason was there waiting for him on his bed giving him a kind smile, his face free of his distant anger. The expression never suited him.

Despite Jason’s new, calm demeanor, Mello was on edge.

“You’re beautiful.”

Mello stood in the doorway, unconvinced. He never knew when he could trust him. He knew now that there was always a catch to Jason’s rare kindness. He only had a towel to cover himself. He didn’t want to get closer and feel Jason’s hands on him. He was still so weak and nauseous.

Jason sighed.

“I’m sorry…I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and seeing you like that only pissed me off more…and then your mouth…”

Mello looked at the floor.

Jason stood up and walked up to him, his large arms reaching out.

Mello flinched and backed into the wall.

“Please, I feel sick,” he whimpered.

But Jason ignored him, pulling him into a clammy embrace.

“Why is your skin so cold?”

Mello closed his eyes. He couldn’t stop his body from melting into Jason’s arms. He had gone without a gentle touch for so long that he couldn’t object to it. Jason’s body was so warm.

“I’ll have to start showering with you if you’re going to try and freeze yourself now.”

Jason’s hand tilted Mello’s face up and kissed him, his slimy lips only prolonging Mello’s nausea.

His thick arms slipped down and picked Mello up. He walked him over to the bed, Mello’s towel snaking onto the floor.

Mello braced himself as Jason laid his body down. He couldn’t refuse him no matter what he was about to do. He had been punished so much lately that at least he knew it couldn’t be that.

Jason hovered over him, sucking on his collarbone, his hands disappearing down his legs.

Mello’s eyes widened in surprise as something silky glided up his legs and stretched over his hips. It felt tight.

Mello struggled to look down, a gasp escaping his lips.

Black panties hugged his skin. It made his stomach feel strange.

“Why? Aren’t these women’s?”

Jason’s hands gripped his hips, his face in the crook of Mello’s neck.

“These were made for boys like you. They look gorgeous on you.” Jason’s hands slipped underneath him and groped his bottom. His skin had never been so exposed wearing underwear before.

“But why?”

Jason chuckled. “Something special for you. You’ll be wearing these from now on.”

Jason’s lips shut his mouth. He couldn’t protest. He couldn’t stop him.

Suddenly, Jason’s body lifted from him. Mello tried to sit up, but Jason’s large hand pressed his chest back down. “No, you stay here a minute.”

Mello sighed, a bundle of emotions frustrating his mind.

Jason returned shortly, his cellphone in hand as he walked up to where he lay on the bed.

A beeping noise stirred Mello from his spiraling head. “Did you just take a picture of me?” he asked, forgetting to hold his tongue.

Jason’s face never lost the coy grin over his lips, his eyes still on his phone. “I take many pictures of you.”

Mello couldn’t hide his annoyance. “When? You can’t. You never asked me.”

“I think Tom will like this one. He’s been so excited to see you again.”

Mello turned away. He didn’t want to look at Jason anymore. If he couldn’t get up he could at least make sure he couldn’t see him. He felt violated thinking about Jason taking photos of him and what opportunities he must have had. He had never seen him do it before.

Jason gave a haunting laugh, tossing his phone on the bed before looming his body over Mello’s, his hands returning to his hips. “You turned over…You’re too shy to ask for my cock, huh?”

Mello covered his face in his arms. The last thing he wanted was for Jason to use him again. He had been so exhausted from it, but he had to take it. He couldn’t risk finding out what Jason would do if he tried to crawl out from underneath his weight.

Jason’s belt jingled, his thumb slipping under the panties to pull them to one side, his other hand forcing him open; fingers slicked and cold.

“I’ll get you warmed up for Tom. You’ll be seeing him today. We’ve kept him waiting long enough.”

Jason’s mouth sucked at the back of Mello’s neck. “You practice what you’ll be like for him.”

Jason tugged Mello’s hair, his teeth gritting as he filled him. “Show me how you’re supposed to act when a cock is in your ass.”

* * *

In the very least, Tom had been kinder to his body than Jason.

His was barely sore as he sat in the limousine, the panties still clinging to him under his jeans.

The sun was blinding as it reflected off of the snow. The winter illuminated the life around them as they drove through the city. Mello had never felt more detached from the world. It was like Jason had a constant leash on him.

He wanted Jason’s bed to swallow him up again, but he wouldn’t be able to isolate himself anymore. Jason was onto him. He didn’t have any more excuses. He would just have to spend each day being the boy Jason wanted him to be.

Mello had been so determined to sabotage himself away from Matt that he had never considered what he would do once Matt could finally get away from him.

Mello was feeling the consequences of his fatal last straw. It was painful to realize that he couldn’t let Matt go without saying goodbye. He was selfish even in the end, but he needed to attempt to explain himself. To tell Matt that he would finally stop being a burden on him. Mello had failed him time and time again. He couldn’t fail him in their last moments. He just needed a chance to get to him.

Mello sighed, bracing himself to deal with Jason. He turned to face him, but quickly found that he couldn’t look up at him. It would be too difficult to speak if he could see his intimidating, empty eyes.

“Jason…I did what you wanted. Can I please see my phone now?”

Jason sucked his teeth. Mello could barely hear the disdainful laugh that buzzed in Jason’s throat. He wasn’t pleased.

“You just want to see if he called.”

Mello shook his head. “Please, Jason. I haven’t asked again all day.”

“It’s not like he’s been making any kind of effort for you…Where’s he been?”

“Please…”

“And what if he didn’t call? He finally doesn’t have to deal with you. You’re more high maintenance than you think, Mihael.”

Mello looked back out the window. He would have to give up for now, but he didn’t want to believe that that was it. There was no way for him to get in contact with him.

Mello couldn’t hide the sob that stung in his chest.

Jason groaned in annoyance.

“What’s with you when it comes to this kid? Pull yourself together…” He leaned over to fish in his pocket.

Mello’s heart raced when he could feel Jason placing his cellphone on his thigh.

“Th-thank you. Thank you,” he muttered.

Mello wasted no more time flipping the phone open. The battery was nearly gone.

Matt had texted him days ago. There was nothing from him since the night after he’d seen him last.

_If I don’t see you again, I love you._

Mello’s heart dropped into his stomach. He had to read it over several times before he could think again.

He’d also gotten a voicemail from an unknown number.

Fresh tears slipped down his face as he played it. It didn’t make sense. What had Matt done? He needed to go to him, but he had no idea how he would get Jason to listen. His heavy eyes made the brightness outside turn into a blur.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jason asked, snatching Mello’s phone from his hand.

“Please.” Mello couldn’t find the words to ask him.

“You’re not making sense. What’s the matter with you?”

Mello leaned over and buried his face in Jason’s lap.

“Please. He’s in the hospital. Please let me see him.”

“What did that idiot do?”

“I have to see him…He’s all alone.” Guilt weighed his body down thinking of all the time he had been away, keeping Matt lonely. It had been cruel of him, especially after Matt had spent so much time locked away for trying to help him.

It was clear that Matt had his own secrets he kept. Mello didn’t know what he did, but it didn’t matter. He needed to get to him. He needed to ease his mind. He could at least do that much.

“Please…” he whispered.

Jason sighed. “I’ve been needing a drink all day and now this bullshit.”

Mello slid his hands up to Jason’s chest, keeping his head down as he gripped his shirt.

“I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll never ask for anything again.”

Jason’s wide fingers stroked the back of Mello’s head. “I pulled your hair quite hard, huh?”

His head did feel sore. Mello could have become distracted under Jason’s gentle touch if it wasn’t for his current state of desperation.

Mello shivered as he felt Jason trace over where he knew to be the scar on the back of his head.

“No pretty hair grows here, hm?”

Even then, all that time ago, Matt had jumped in to protect him. He had fought with every ounce of his tiny life to save him. He would have died if it weren’t for Matt. Mello wondered where Matt could be now if he hadn’t been wrecking him all this time. He had to do better by him at least once.

“Please, sir…” Mello sniffled through his tears. Jason’s lap was warm, but he wouldn’t succumb to his exhaustion. Not until he knew he was on the way to Matt.

“No need to get so formal now.” Jason’s hand slid down to pat Mello’s bottom. “You really should relax…It seems it’s still too early for a drink anyway.”

Mello jerked himself up, finally meeting Jason’s eyes.  
“You mean it?”

Jason’s hand squeezed his bottom. “I wish you’d show me some enthusiasm like that…But yes. I mean it.”

Mello sighed, his arms wrapping around Jason’s shoulders.

“Thank you…”

* * *

Matt’s bones ached.

The pain he felt now was nothing compared to just a few days prior when he had first woken up. It had frightened him, his mind slipping back to years ago when he had woken up in a similar white room, his eyes desperate to find Mello. He still needed to find him.

He couldn’t keep himself associated with those men. He had to get himself out of it. And he couldn’t go about it by just ignoring them. He couldn’t predict what they would do to get to him. He had told them himself that he was out, making himself available to take the consequence of his decision. He had been prepared to face the worst.

DeAngelo had been dark, his men violent as they attacked him. Matt knew they intended to kill him. He just couldn’t give up his life so easily. Not when he needed to see Mello again. He had to tell him he didn’t mean the words that had carelessly poured out alongside his tears. He didn’t mean what he said. He wasn’t done. Even so, he was incredibly hurt. Mello had lied to him. He had been in the hands of danger all this time. With that man.

Matt worried that something bad had happened to Mello too. The nurse had informed him that his emergency contact had been notified of his arrival to the hospital, but he hadn’t heard back from Mello for days. He was supposed to leave soon. They had told him he could go later that afternoon as long as he remained in stable condition.

Matt flexed his fingers. They felt numb where they poked out of his wrist cast, his right hand swollen and aching.

Even though he had been beaten, he had surprised himself. His heart had thumped strong and steady, never slipping into anything abnormal. It was like a sign that he had made the right decision. Relief had consumed him when they left him to rot with the garbage. If it hadn’t been for his crooked wrist and battered stomach, he might have even smiled…Though he couldn’t remember much after they bashed his head into the ground.

Matt’s eyes suddenly jerked up to the door. He could hear footsteps approaching; his nurse, and undertones of a voice he knew well. His favorite voice. He couldn’t believe it.

The heavy door opened slowly. Matt could sense his cautious energy.

Mello appeared in the doorway and moved toward him like a wounded animal, the door closing on it’s own behind him.

Matt’s eyes widened. Mello looked depleted. Just one look at him and he knew he had been through one of his down swings. He knew the puffy bags under his eyes too well.

Had the man been unkind to him? Being there for Mello came with patience. It didn’t seem like that man had any.

“Are you okay?” Matt couldn’t stop himself, his voice crackling out of his throat.

Mello hated that Matt’s first instinct had been to ask him that. “Don’t worry about me,” he whispered, his timid hands taking Matt’s, eyes flashing to his IV and the cast on his other arm. Mello felt sick.

“Matty, what happened to you?”

Matt’s face looked hardened, but there was almost a freshness about it beneath the discoloration. He looked calmer than ever. Now that Mello could see his face, Matt’s energy consumed him in waves of relaxation that seemed to slow his heart.

“I don’t sell drugs anymore.”

Matt couldn’t bring himself to tell Mello the catalyst that had caused him to finally quit. He had been so determined to talk to him about the boy who had died. So determined that he’d come across the awful truth.

“They did this to you?”

Matt turned his hand to squeeze Mello’s.

“They couldn’t let me walk away…I honestly thought it would be worse.”

Mello could finally feel the tears that had been dripping off of his chin.

Matt wanted to pull him to his chest.

“He hurt you?” Matt asked quietly.

“Hm?”

“Did he hurt you?” Matt’s voice was clearer, his knowing eyes protective in their locked gaze.

Mello couldn’t believe that Matt was still so in tune with his body even in his state.

“No, I’m okay. I promise.”

Mello had made too many empty promises.

Matt’s hand slipped up to stroke Mello’s wrist.

“I’m sorry I ran. I didn’t mean a word of what I said.”

Mello’s stomach seemed to flutter at Matt’s words, but he ignored it. “It’s okay if you meant it…” he replied, “It’s okay to be done, Matt…I’ve been horrible to you.”

Matt sat up, concern pulsing though him. Was there more to the situation? Was there more than Mello’s guilt for hiding the truth? Did he want him to walk away?

“I’ll never be done, Mello…And now I can find a job. We’re gonna be okay, right?”

“I can’t get away…” Mello murmured. If only Matt knew what he had went through that morning. There was no way he could get away with leaving Jason. There was no way he could go home to Matt and burden him again. This had finally been the breaking point, but even now Matt was still willing to jump back in to pick up his mess. He couldn’t let Matt do that for him anymore.

“What?” Matt asked, grunting as he sat up taller.

Mello couldn’t bring himself to repeat his words.

“Matt, they said you came in unconscious. I couldn’t see my phone. I’m so sorry you were alone…I’m sorry for everything.”

“Mello…You can tell me if I did something wrong…Please. I know I got angry a few times.”

Mello shook his head. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Why him?”

Mello was at a loss. He didn’t know how to explain himself. Matt was making it too difficult for him to say goodbye.

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore…You can be happy…” Mello’s words were weighed down by his tears. He couldn’t convince himself that he truly felt that way. He didn’t want to leave him, but he had too. He deserved Jason’s malice more than Matt’s love.

“What are you talking about?” Matt couldn’t understand. He was afraid of what Mello could mean.

The door opened again. This time abruptly. Full of impatience.

Mello seemed to shrivel into himself the moment the man could be seen striding over to the foot of the bed.

Matt wanted to pounce on him and punch the sly grin off of his face.

“Always with the tears, Mihael.”

His name sounded so horribly wrong on such a man’s tongue.

Mello slipped his hand out of Matt’s and wiped his face on his arms.

“Glad to see you’re alright there, Matt.”

Matt despised him. He could only bring himself to glare.

Jason sighed. “Mihael, pull it together already. You look pathetic.”

Mello quickened his movements as he dried his face. Matt was shocked. His stomach turned, Mello’s behavior sending him back to the tiny room they shared as children. A large body looming over them, just as this man stood now.

This was the man that Mello would rather be with?

“You really are a lucky guy, Matt. This one really loves you.”

Matt couldn’t hold back for much longer. He didn’t need this guy to tell him what he already knew. What he had been waiting for years for Mello to tell him himself. Fear swirled with his anger as he doubted what he knew about Mello’s feelings.

“You’re not gonna talk? That’s quite rude of you, considering I was about to offer to cover your expenses.”

“I don’t need your _fucking_ money,” Matt growled, his anger bringing on a headache.

“No need to get so heated there. You look like you’re gonna charge at me again. You seem to be careless. I’ve been looking after him all this time while you’re running the streets trying to kill yourself.”

Jason looked at Mello and held out his arm. Mello felt uncomfortable walking over to him in front of Matt, but he couldn’t refuse him. He didn’t need Matt seeing Jason’s cruelty again.

Jason’s arm clamped around Mello’s side. “Whether you like it or not, he’s got an obligation to me…But you’re more than welcome to join us for drinks tonight. I hear you’re able to leave today.”

Matt felt helpless seeing Mello attached to his side. What could he do that wouldn’t get Mello into trouble? He knew what this man was capable of, but he feared that he could do even worse. That he had already done worse. He had to of, the way Mello acted…Matt’s stomach soured as he realized that this was something he couldn’t help Mello out of. He couldn’t fix this for him. He didn’t want to accept it, but Mello would have to find his strength to pull himself away from this man. Unless he didn’t want to. Matt couldn’t tell. Matt hated the thought that Mello could be trapped forever.

“What will it be then?” Jason asked.

“Just fuck off…” Matt mumbled, his heart wrenching at the submission on Mello’s face.

“Very well,” Jason scoffed, “But my offer still stands. If you ever change your mind, let us know…” Jason opened the door, his large hand pushing Mello’s back through it. “And don’t be an idiot. Tell the receptionist that Jason will cover it.”

Matt wanted to spit at him. He wanted to jump up and snatch Mello away, but he couldn’t risk the outcome for Mello when he was inevitably alone with this Jason again.

The solution had never been so unclear. He couldn’t help him, but he couldn’t just do nothing.

He would find a way.

* * *

Jason had ruined his goodbye.

He had completely interrupted. He couldn’t give him more than ten minutes with Matt before he had to insert himself into the situation. Mello wouldn’t dream of ever interrupting Jason during his private affairs. He had grown so used to living under Jason’s command that he hadn’t completely realized the consequences that came with not being considered an equal.

Mello’s blood boiled. There was nothing about his life that he could have for himself anymore. Not even setting Matt free.

He channeled his irritation into the many drinks that Jason kept putting in front of his face.

They sat together at the bar, but it appeared as though they didn’t know each other. Mello ignored Jason’s every attempt to talk to him. There was some luxury to being in public; Jason tended to have a bit more self-control.

Mello had never preferred the whiskey Jason liked, but he took it down like medicine. His puffy eyes finally stopped throbbing, a fuzzy feeling tingling in his limbs. While he felt better physically, his mind raced with his anger. Jason interrupting them couldn’t be his last moment with Matt. He had to get back to him and try again.

Mello barely noticed that Jason had been speaking to him.

“…He’s really a loser. He’ll never be able to take care of you. Can you see that now?”

Mello’s hand tightened around his glass.

“If he wanted you, he wouldn’t just sit there like a little bitch.”

Jason’s words stabbed at Mello’s heart. It was clear that he was piss drunk, but was he just speaking under the influence or was he purposefully trying to egg him on?

“He was stupid to turn down my money. The fucking idiot was stupid to act like he’s got morals. He’s just a sack of shit coward. I’m the one who’s still paying on that shit hole apartment.”

Jason pulled Mello close to him, his sweaty hand weaved into his hair, his breath hot over his ear, “That’s why you’re coming back with me. You’ll be mine.”

Mello held his breath as Jason’s other hand squeezed his hip. “You’re gonna fly home with me. You’re not going anywhere. You’re not going back with that pussy fucking kid.”

Jason pulled away slightly to down the rest of his glass.

“Shut up, Jason.”

Mello couldn’t restrain himself anymore. He was beyond over it.

Jason slammed his glass on the counter, the sound loud enough that heads turned in their direction even with the blaring music.

_“Excuse me?”_

Mello’s drunken blue eyes gleamed like daggers as he rose to the challenge.

“Shut up about him. You don’t know anything about him.”

Jason snatched Mello’s wrist. “What the fuck did you just say to me?!” Jason grumbled, his fist squeezing his soft skin.

Mello winced, but he wasn’t going to back down. “That hurts,” he whimpered, trying to push him away. He was no match for Jason’s strength.

Suddenly, his hair was being tugged back, Jason’s spit sprinkling his face as he snarled, “He probably fucked you like a coward too.”

 _“Fuck you!”_ Mello cried, his voice so loud he surprised himself. But he hadn’t stunned Jason.

Jason’s hand cracked over Mello’s mouth, his body falling back over the table. Before he could even realize what happened Jason had flipped him, his heavy body pinning him down over the bar, his hand twisting his arm and forcing it down behind his back. Mello yelped in pain, his lips pinching as they went numb, the metallic taste of blood on his teeth.

Just as quickly as it had happened, Jason’s body was pulled away from him as the public intervened. Mello slid to the floor and crawled away, ignoring anyone who tried to talk to him as he found his footing and stumbled out into the cold night.

Jason wasn’t far behind him.

“Where the hell are you going?!”

Mello didn’t answer him. He went as fast as he could, but the crowds of people moving through the pavement caused him to slow his pace, Jason’s vehement energy growing closer and closer until his arm was reaching out to grab him.

Mello cowered away almost violently. He slipped as he avoided him. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Mello struggled to stand, but as soon as he could he took off. Even with the alcohol slowing him down he was quicker than Jason.

He had to get to Matt. He needed his goodbye. In the present moment he couldn’t care less what Jason would do to him.

He didn’t stop until he was certain that Jason couldn’t be anywhere near him. He panted painfully as bile inched up into his mouth. But Mello had to keep moving. He couldn’t know when he would get another chance to get away.

Agony threatened to shut his body down, but Mello kept going. He couldn’t give up yet. He had to see Matt again first.


End file.
